The last guy I dated & who was also the one who me aware that I had a serious problem w/ dating recently got in touch with me through FB. I ignored his initial msg, but responded last week.
He was unavailable ( to me) but just got engaged. That used to be my pattern, they would abruptly leave me and end up marrying the next grl. He being the last one in a series of many left me seriously depressed, but a yr has passed and I now know that I am not some unlovable freak, but that I just chose unavailable men, however, still in knowing that, the old familar feeling of ,'"when will it be my turn" came over me when I learned of his recent engagement. Then, it was immediately followed by, how can HE be emotional stable to get married???
But then, I checked myself and reminded myself that I can't take his engagement personally, it will be my time when I am emotionally ready to handle such a commitment and such closesness & intimacy that a marriage would bring, I've had 3 opportunities to be engaged...I turned them down, so I know i am capable of attracting a man who wants to marry me, finally i had to remind myself that what I am doing for myself now through recovery is as meaningful as getting married. It is a big deal, life changing, and I can feel good about that.
So what emotions run through you when you first hear of someone's engagement, new relationship, or marriage? And what do you do to combat these feelings if they are negative and self depleting?
Post by Jacarandagirl on Sept 28, 2011 13:36:45 GMT -8
Hi Wingz, good question. My two of my three ex-partners have just had babies with their new partners. I was/am very happy for one of them, who I am close to, and I remember feeling a sting when I found out about the other one's pregnancy. The sting was... envy. But I have a new habit that has kicked in when I find myself going to that old chestnut of "oh they must be so happy" (cue sad music for me). I remember how many people are getting divorced. Nearly two out of three. I remember what a trip getting divorced is, how much it sucks. And I am grateful that I'm NOT getting married. Or even having to think about it.
Relationships are hard work. I like what Byron Katie says about it. It's something like this...my understanding is this- A relationship will give you everything you need to keep looking at about yourself- it'll reflect back all your undealt with, hidden issues, so they can be brought into the light. (And it's HARD.) And everyone else not in a relationship, your friendships and relationships with people at work are all you can handle right now.
Everyone laughed in the seminar at that point. But it's TRUE! I am a little baby toddler at relationships! I'm not ready for a grown up one. I'm working flat out with just friendships and work colleagues!
"You deserve better than something that may be comfortable for you but you already know doesn't work and that you'll be complaining about soon enough and hoping that something or someone else will do what you can't even do for yourself. You deserve better - you deserve change".
Excerpt from www.baggagereclaim.com
My 'first true love' married a woman that helped him build an incredibly successful business -- about 10 years after we broke up. She had the life I thought he and I would have, I was upset. But not jealous of her having him, more that he was willing to give her what he took from me.
With me he was a very cute, sweet and shy musician who enveloped me in affection, attention and acceptance -- stuff I didn't get from my parents. He was also a lazy guy who took advantage of others, living in their houses, their boats, working as little as possible.
Another woman tried to warn me about how he used women, but he was so sweet and definitely didn't seem the cad or sophisticate. He and I had a passionate start, were so in love. I was sure our love was simply above anything he could feel with those other women. I found a shoebox of letters from women around the world who he had hooked up with. Clearly they were responding to romantic messages from him. "He's keeping them hooked" I thought as I read through them. But again, I was sure our love was special.
Did I mention I was 18?
When we moved to another state I supported him and paid for the year's worth of wood working and wood sculpting classes at a private art school. He doesn't acknowledge that schooling on his web site in his bio and it's the only real serious training he received.
When we lived together, he couldn't really commit but it was also an era of 'love is a rose and you'd better not pick it'. Don't be 'possessive'.
I got a phone call from a friend, he had called and left her a message and she wanted me to know. That's a friend. He denied it. I walked into a room where he was with another woman about my age, 10 years younger than him. The air was thick with sexual tension. I knew I was losing my grip on him. That's the way I looked at it.
I told him it was time for him to get a job. He said he paid his way by loving me. Whoa. I was *mad*. I'm so proud of that response, it was the first really healthy reaction to his mooching. So that's how he saw this? I told him I didn't have to pay anyone to love me and to get a job or leave. So he left.
I was devastated. Sat on the floor for hours. I couldn't believe he loved me that little. I had been used. I made all kinds of excuses for why he wouldn't grow up. I thought I'd spend my life with him. How could someone who loved me so much just drop me when it was time to do something every adult should do?
I didn't respect him while we were together, why would I be with someone who depended on a girl 10 years younger than him for his living? Because I was so starved emotionally and my only skill to get that was through sex and romance.
He would send me romantic letters now and then after we broke up. The old way of 'pinging' before the Internet. I finally told him to stop sending me romantic letters. We saw each other once, about six years after we broke up when he was in town. I stayed really aloof. I knew his game and wanted to prove to him and myself I was immune. Which I was. It felt great. But it also hurt. He didn't love me enough. I felt like a failure, but his telling me he was paying his way by loving me always gave me the knowledge he was not someone I wanted in my life. Thankfully. His sculpting career was just beginning to take off.
A few years later he got married. They have a dream life. He is a very successful wood sculpture, they own many acres of land on a Hawaiian island, she runs the business and sells his work, they have a beautiful son and they live up in the mountains near Oprah. Seriously. An enviable life, right? Turns out no.
I was home and my sister and I saw he had his own gallery. We tried to find it and couldn't in a tiny town, I think it was God protecting me.
So I called him to say hello. "Hi, this is Veronica". He said nothing at first. Then: "Are you married? Because I am, and I'm miserable!"
Wow. Not even 'hello'. I saw it in that moment so clearly. He is probably a sex and/or a love addict. He was not a man I wanted to be married to, he hadn't changed. She didn't have the man I didn't have. She had the same man!
Their dream life? She has to live with the fact he is always on the hunt for other women. He sculpts sensuous objects including nude women. Perfect entre to being alone with beautiful women. Just like his muscian life ensured he was surrounded by women interested in him. And that he's telling other women he is miserable with her. He told me he married her because he felt sorry for her, a single mother with a drug addict ex-husband. She was never happy. I'm sure he told other women how he felt sorry for me too when we were together. It was a real wake up call.
As NIN says: "Bow down before the one you serve, you're going to get what you deserve."
Wingz my friend, you are free. Free to find someone who isn't like that.
Last Edit: Sept 29, 2011 6:34:01 GMT -8 by veronica
Post by frenchroll on Sept 29, 2011 16:43:00 GMT -8
Wingz, I used to joke that I trained these guys for other women and wished I could benefit from my hard work (I know how wrong that is, now) I see the women involved with these men and can actually feel sorry for them. These men have not changed. The women must be so tormented in those relationships. My mom helped me endure when she told me "there are no perfect relationships, this man has not changed who he is. You will probably never have the privilege of knowing about their problems so let it go."
V -You are writing the story of my relationship with a musician that turned me inside out. Within 2 months he proposed to me in Italy (of, course I said YES!) Then he quit even looking at me while on stage. Told me I was lucky to hear him practice because there were so many women that would be honored. He did not drink when I was around in the beginning but that changed, too. One year later, I told him he was an alcoholic and he had to sober up or leave (I knew he would leave) I could not have that around my children. He left, just like that. I cried for the next year. I was devastated. I have since learned he was a narcissist. I went to therapy for several years after...only to find that I was not working on my core LA issues.
He did have a serious drinking problem (The night I watched him drink a case of beer and a bottle of Jack Daniels, I knew I had to get out) but his parting words to me were so hurtful and so true, "No matter what I do, it is never enough for you."
Last Edit: Sept 29, 2011 16:52:32 GMT -8 by frenchroll
Frenchroll: ugh to that parting line. I've been there: "It's your fault I'm treating you so badly". Ugh again! When people are going through no contact withdrawals it's moments like those I wish I knew enough about their past to remind them of. No contact is such a gift. Those types of folks will cause pain and chase as long as they're allowed to.