I feel so tired. Tired of having a little tiny bit of hope, managing to get a little optimistic but then never moving ahead. I have felt this way all year. I feel I have nowhere to turn. Nowhere to draw my strength. I have always had problems with depression, but could rally the troops and pull myself out of it, little by little. I don't think I have it in me any more. I no longer feel like I am good at my work. Every little thing feels huge. Just to write out my bills feels overwhelming. I feel so alone. I sought refuge in a horrible"relationship" that has sapped my energy and my self esteem ( what little I had of it). Now I am dealing the full horror of how I have wasted my time, avoided my life.....I am hated and plotted against at work. My "boyfriend" uses me for sex and to pass the time. I am afraid it's the best I can do, so I have allowed it. It makes me sick. My family is too messed up to lean on. The only thing I can think about is how I can get it done so it won't be another failure.
Post by Loving My Life on Nov 7, 2011 20:06:02 GMT -8
mbovary, do you have a therapist? you need to call around and find you a therapist, they work on a sliding scale and they will work with you. also if you are suicidal call your local ER, and reach out for help, you have to ask for help. you do sound depressed, and overwhelmed, but you cant fix everything at once, that is why it is so important to take one task at a time focus on that first. and also too only focus on one day at a time...and just focus on yourself right now, if your family is no help, call a therapist, post here, please try and get to some meetings in your area. and start saying "I CAN", I CAN.....write out your plan for tomorrow, just two things that your going to do for your recovery. let us know what your doing...we cant help you if you dont post. you have not been here in a couple of days. ask your hp for comfort. your not alone we are here for you.
mbovary - Ask HP for relief from bad feelings. Make a list of things you're thankful for......whatever it is, can be anything at all. Go thru the list and thank HP for these things. Remember what makes you smile and be happy..........what is it? Colors? Puppies? Swimming? Whatever it is, try to remember them and try to bring that back into your daily living somehow. Ask your HP or if you haven't discovered one, ask someone elses' HP to help you feel good. There are so many HP's out there for all the varied people in the world to love, there's got to be one you can relate to. All the people can't be wrong to have HP's...........look how having a god or gods has helped so many throughout all the years of existence. There is only one way to get to know one and that is to open your mind and heart to the power of goodness and love. It will make you feel good to know that HP cares about you and wants to help you.
There is good in everyone and there is good in every situation.........it's not ALL good but please try to concentrate on the good part...........take that good and relish it. Let it help you feel good, then you'll be strong enough to get thru the days until you can make more positive changes for yourself. Do the things that Carolyn suggested, they can help. Listening to her has helped me feel accepted and comfortable enough to go on and do some of the things I need to do to help myself. LovelyJune's blogs and posts have been so true and have answered a lot of questions. If you cannot find truth in what Carolyn and LovelyJune have to say then it sounds like you are in such a serious state of despair that you may need immediate attention from a doctor. Please do get help. I feel bad knowing that you feel bad. I would like for you to feel happy.
Thank you for rePlying. I will try to break things down into more manageable pieces. I won't make any decisions about theboyfriend right now--I will just say I need some time to figure things out to get some breathing room. The nc didn't go well...I am beginning to think he is a LA too or something like a narcissist. I will seek out the therapist I had before and liked. I will try to go to a meeting. I almost made it to one a few days ago, but I chickened out. I think I do have to do nc again and soon, but it's harder than I thought and it seems to some how trigger the boyfriend as well. I know my self esteem is zero, but I'll try to operate on the premise that it is a temporary condition, it will get better. I didn't post for awhile because I started seeing him again. I went back into the matrix. My family is against it, which is good I guess, they just aren't supportive. They don't want to hear anything about it or see him. Which is good but I took it as rejection. I guess I got angry and bitter feeling like the only love I can get is the effed up kind. I know that is not true in my head.
Post by Loving My Life on Nov 8, 2011 11:00:43 GMT -8
mbovary, good to hear you are aware, and you are taking some action on your recovery. if at first you succeed, try and try again. recovery is not easy, it takes time and dedication. and keep posting and sharing. and do one small task a day so you dont get overwhelmed, as you get stronger, then you can tackle more. I had to do the same when i first got sober...but mbovary it is so worth it. so dont lose hope, there are people who can help you, find your local therapist, and keep us posted here, so we can support you. if your not posting we cant help you. you are worth it. ;-)
One day at a time :-) :-). . .We can do together, what we could never do alone. :-) And a problem shared, is a problem cut in half. :-) :-)
Therapy - meetings -- absolutely! Take steps to get yourself to a healthier place.
I was a victim of covert incest and neglectful parenting. But -- I am an adult and can re-parent myself. I have the tools and the motivation to live a meaningful life of integrity.
I am in therapy - I go to support groups - I post here - I have worked the 12 Steps - I take a medication appropriate for me (anti-anxiety) to help quell ruminating thoughts and obsessive thinking. I do whatever it takes to pull myself away from addiction and towards recovery.
A lot of work? Yes. The alternative? Addiction and anguish that goes along with it. No thank you.