Healing the child withinn Apr 20, 2012 4:20:41 GMT -8
Post by bklynrn on Apr 20, 2012 4:20:41 GMT -8
I want to share a part of my story since the sex in recovery thread has allowed this to come up in me--I didn't ever see my first sexual experiences as a problem until two years ago. I didn't see them as a contributing factor to all of my addictions and intimacy issues. I know I made poor choices so I just blamed myself and this type of thinking did nothing for my self esteem. It just kept me in the vicious cycle of self hatred and insecurity. I simply didn't feel much of anything and was very matter of fact about my past. I didn't think I should feel anything of my past but in all reality I was feeling it but the feelings were totally displaced. It was coming up in other areas and in my relationships under certain triggers. That's why I was sometimes explosive and sometimes emotionally disconnected in relationships. I was always logical with my thoughts but the emotions were intense and displaced and usually disproportionate for the situation at hand. I always knew these things happened to me but figured--no big deal BUT then when the cousin who molested me, contacted me on Facebook 2 years ago, after 20+ years of not seeing him...YIKES, i was hit hard with the reality of it all of my past--all at once--I was FLOODED. The day we got in contact, I was sent into a whirlwind of emotions and then when I heard his voice on the phone--I instantly felt the scared and shy little girl in me--the shy and scared little girl I always was--around him. Before he called me for the first time, I remember feeling afraid and excited as the phone rang. Then I heard his voice and he had this very calm manner but almost seductive draw to it--or at least I heard it that way cause it was easier than feeling afraid or angry in that moment. I remember feeling all giddy inside with him on the phone and his first words were --after I laughed and said I can't believe you found me...he said '' wow, you're not a little girl anymore--you're a woman''...I wanted to vomit at first and then I instantly felt sexual feelings...I was not only hit with the emotional pain. I also began remembering all the smells...the smell of the dampness of the basement where things happened. The smell of the musty attic too and i was sent back into childhood in a very real way but I never ever thought that my cousin would became my POA and eventually I began ''acting out'' with him...Yep, with my cousin who molested me. I had to try and make sense of what was going on in my head and what I was feeling in my body. I would cry almost every day and felt the little girl in me who was teased, tormented and sexually abused but could not stop what I was doing with him. I thought I was a relatively sane person before this and then I became this crazy woman having an affair with my married cousin who molested me...WTF!!! The sexual feelings for him were the same feelings I had as a girl BUT this time I was an adult and feeling it the same way the girl did AND finding it all intoxicating. Hard to explain all the feelings that came up but simultaneously I was excited, afraid, eager to please, ashamed, hating myself, hating him, wanting my parents to save me and eroticising the whole experience. Sound familiar? Talk about being flooded with emotions. Needless to say but after a few months of being with him I knew I had some serious issues to address and got into a new type of therapy. I could not stay away from this guy...him too...we were both completely addicted to each other but this addictive pattern was the wounded child acting out and acting out in an attempt to resolve this past abuse..this was the stuff i would feel and do in a lot of my adult relationships but never directly felt it as a part of my past. Strange, bizarre and out of control BUT getting in contact with him became a prime opportunity to begin healing!! In a sense I was revisiting the trauma but the doors were finally opened for me and i feel someone sent him to me so I can heal this part of me. I have always felt like I had two people inside me all the time but with him I felt this on an even more intense level. Turns out this dynamic is me feeling the child and the adult within myself. I was not crazy. The child in me was screaming to be heard,loved, nurtured, rescued and healed. This experience with my cousin has turned out to be a life changing experience for me as bizarre and emotionally chaotic as it was. It woke me up and it rattled the cage I had been living in for most of my life. I finally opened my eyes and got out of the unhappy and co-dependant relationship I was in for 11 years. Finally found a safe place to live that I can call my own and started living my life for me and nobody else. Finally realized I CAN take care of myself on my own and not need someone to feel complete.I have finally found things that make me happy and began setting new goals for myself. I finally got to access a lot of the emotions I felt as a child in a very direct way but I won't lie--I'm not done yet!!! ...I still have rage for this guy that has not yet been fully accessed yet.. I did eventually go on very limited contact with him and got stayed in therapy and started working on these issues. I started a journal and writing out all my feelings as they came up and putting my memories on paper. I even saved the email exchanges between him and I and he even joked about what he did to me--I brought that to my therapist too--- A LOT came up that was stuffed away for more than 20 years!!! Whatever emotion or memory that came up I addressed it to him in my journal and even my mom for not helping me. Doing the inner child work is what I needed to do and experiencing my past with this guy ,all over again, changed my life.... It has been the best work I have done. I'm hoping to put my journals together one day into a recovery type of book. It has been a painful journey but one I wouldn't trade for anything. It allowed me to find myself under all my masks of composure and heal the little girl in me. I had to share this experience. Thanks for reading it.