In spite of all the things I have written over the past week or so, and things that I believe, I have suddenly felt swamped by depression. Last night for the first time in 4 weeks I badly wanted to call him. I didn't, but am feeling like he was my best friend, in spite of him not being able to choose to be with me. I believe he was doing his best, and that he is struggling to cope with the guilt he feels, knowing that he is growing, and his wife is not. I think he knows he doesn't want to stay with her, but feels bad at leaving her behind with her pain and their shared history. I know that this doesn't make him a good prospect for a partner for the forseeable future. I also know I don't want him back the way things were. I am just struggling to keep going today. I guess that's how it is - some good days, some not so good. I am worried that my negativity will be offputting to others reading this, though. This is why I tend to isolate when I feel really low. However, I am trying to learn new behaviours to cope, and ones that will maybe serve me better. So I'm reaching out for comfort from you, my fellowship friends.
I suffer from depression and the older I get (44) the sorse it gets. I have fought a good fight but am learning that it is a sneaky disease and works at you in subtle ways even when you are not having a full-blown episode.
The negativity that you describe has become a huge problem for me, and my thinking has become very distorted over time. It is offputting to others and I have lost nearly all of my friends. It helps trigger the fantasies about someone to rescue me or at least give me some good attention. It can really enhance the love addiction tendencies.
It's important to learn about depression and figure out some sort of program for managing it. The basics of getting to bed on time, getting exercise, getting out in the sunshine, and eating a healthy diet are good starting points. It's amazing how difficult it is to take care of ourselves with the basics.
There are therapies to help us reprogram our negative thinking, learn new interpersonal skills and deal with addictions. It's all a lifelong process and it starts with awareness. I am amazed at how blindfolded I am to major character defects in myself and when I finally get my eyes opened, a lot of damage has already been done. I'm working on paying more attention to negative thinking, I can't believe how much it's taken over my brain. No wonder I've been single for three years now, who would want someone like me?
I wrote this on another link but i truly beleive most of our trouble is based on one big human nature fact we WANT what we CANT have and most of the negativity thinking and the dull love sick acke in our tummy is all to do with because we dont except and we WANT them but we CANT have them !!!.......
I am also working very hard on stopping my love addict type fantasies about a dream of happyness when in reallity i have it but in our dreams we are surching for something that does not actually exist and i have to face up to it and stop dreaming or fantasising !!!!
we get into this habit because it gives us a pleasure buzz but really its torturing us like fools !!!
So the real true thing to aim for is EXCEPTANCE and DETACHMENT.......i know what your saying all last week i was fine and really strong but today i feel pangs of attachment hunger but at least i know what it is i have just got to try and control it......at least its moderate and not painfle......
So dont beat your self up as i have said in the passed the true signs of progress are the bigger the gaps in thinking about them the bigger the gap the better you are getting and thats why its a shock when it hits you out of the blue..but it passes !!!!!
Rowan hang in there. I have had a bad week and felt very down also. I'm hanging on somehow. I also suffer from negativity. I wish I knew what to tell you, but we are all here pulling for you so don't give up.
The definitive book on depression in The Noonday Demon. It is huge but insightful.
I have suffered from depression since I was left in the hospital for six months when I was 5 years old. Right now I am as low as I can get. I miss my partner Sandra. I lie in bed for hours holding her urn. I try to get out of house. I even had a brief fling, but nothing helps. I just have to go through this. Meds keep me from killing myself. It has been my life-time wish to just die. I use AA to keep going. To isolate is to die a slow death. My heart goes out to all the depressed people in the world. It sucks. Let's keep this thread going. It helps to not be alone.
FYI, there are two major types of depression . . . clinical and situational. Medication helps the chemical imbalance and CBT (cognitive based therapy) is for situational depression. I also love the book The Power of Positive Thinking by Normal Vincent Peale. His philosophy, and my faith, has saved my life.
Rowan: You have been such a help to me in my bad times, it is only fair to do the same for you. We all have a bad day or two here or there. I had the same kind of evening.I was so good until I get home and saw that his good car was gone. We live in the same complex. When he uses this car, he's impressing a new girl..... I felt so low, I couldn't get off the couch. I just wanted to sit there, cry and feel sorry for myself. So I said okay, just for tonight, you can do it. I was still a little down this morning, but forced a good mood and started hanging with all the people at work. Its helping. Also reading the boards.
"Understand that with relationship addiction, slips are inevitable and at first discouragingly frequent. Every day we don't practice relationship addiction is both a priceless gift and a splendid achievement". Quote you printed for us....
DEPRESSION. thank you everyone. Tonight I went to an AA fundraiser as it was ending....I had had to be at a family function but wanted to get some AA connection. I have been depressed for a while this time (have had it on and off since 14...or perhaps earlier)....and my thoughts become distorted VERY easily really. And my instant desire is to throw a tantrum of some sort (my inner child wants to do this) and tonight I really had to talk to myself and keep it together...I feel the center of the universe and crave affection from the imaginary prince in my mind.....The point is, it is a subtle foe, and I find life very hard at these times...I am terrified of initmacy I know that, and I am a creature of 'pain relief' and hate to do things that are uncomfortable, so when I am depressed NOTHING MATTERS. I feel alone in my city, in my fellowship and I know it is my doing. It is a crisis of sorts I suppose. I guess this is a public prayer for the willingness to keep working my program and derive more healthy interest in myself, not just self-obsession...
FYI = when I am like this, all I want to do is be under covers with an eye mask and ear plugs. I want nothingness. Short of that, my little girl wants a promise from her Mum, that she will nt lose interest, not leave according to her needs more attention, but stay with me.....even after I am asleep. Just because I am her daughter, and no more. BUT in real terms, that won't happen, and though I know that, I STILL DON"T WANT TO PARENT MYSELF! For that I dislike myself. Why should I care for myself if I don;t want to help myself....cyclical, I know!
Continue to be introspective. It is good to sort things out. If you cannot love yourself because you do not feel worthy then "act as if." Find someone with self-esteem, observe how they treat themselves and follow their example. For instance, they do not say derogatory things about themselves, they do not take the blame all the time when things go wrong, they do not enable others, etc. etc. Watch and learn.
getting out of the house is a huge positive step. I take meds too. I also find taking vitamins helps me. Either the vitamins do something on their own, or the act of doing something good for myself makes me feel better. The best ones may be Fish Oil capsules. I actually think they have some good medicinal value in improving mood.
I felt quite deeply moved reading all this. I had depression on and off till I was about 26 ( im 32 now) , I have been pretty clear isnce then ... moments a rise every now and then but I think of them more as blue days , not like the dark depths of depression at all. All i wanted to say was how inspiring I have found this thread. Maybe that sounds weird, but even through words filled with immense pain I can see incredible strength and determination in people. in that there is a peculiar kind of beauty.I feel I am in a very good place , i hope that makes sense. i feel privelaged to be privy to your honesty and your pain and thank you for sharing and easing mine. I do not take any meds , but I do take 5-htp at night as I sleep badly. I keep very very busy and treat my social life like a project and it works . If i feel bad , I pick up the phone call a friend , I dont say anyhting about me instead i ask about them and their day ... its odd but it works for me winnie
I feel very sad. I was exited a day ago when I finally discovered what was going on with me. I ordered the books, join this chat...look forward some meetings. Suddenly today is like if somethin hit me. I realized I have been possive all my life. With my favoirte cousin, my school friend, one sister, my husband and now my co-worker/teacher.
I do not know who I am. I understand I drag to people because I was abandoned and suddenly I feel sorry for me and I do not know if I wasted all my life. Suddenly I do not know my self at this moment I feel confused, sad, ashame. And I think that my be I ruined my childrens life.
Sometimes I feel alone, scared, and wonder about the wasted years too. We can't go back, so - scared or not on we go. Remember this is a WE program. I need faith in a higher power and sometimes the best I can believe in is the power of coming to this board and going forward in life with all of you. I know we can do this together.
I know I can't do this alone. It is way too much for me without help. Thanks for posting.
I've found the following to be true for me
There is depression and there is grief. grief is a normal part of the healing process. depression can come in when grief doesn't stop ie -when we don't or can't let go. at times I've needed medication. At other times -like now - I need to change my thinking. Water the positive life affirming thoughts and not the old habitual ruts. I'm so amazed at how much it takes. If I fight the thoughts they get louder. So I am practicing awareness of them and then saying Ok there you are and now I have _____to do to go forward.
back to reparenting that inner child for me too, Candee. maybe we could pray for each other?
Last Edit: Jun 30, 2008 3:48:39 GMT -8 by bluebird
I have suffered from depression since I was a young girl also and there was not a lot of treatment around then. I have been in counseling and taking medication since around 1983. I am so grateful for it too. It is a NO FAULT illness. Today I see suffering from love addiction and depression as to serious illnesses. They are not character defects, there may be some self will and oppositional defiance in love addiction but it is an illness. Just prayer did not work for me and I had been doing steps for a long time. The professional do want to help us but not all are capable. I remember when I realized my ego was so big that I thought my LOVE could make a difference in everyones life. Today I can laugh about it. My sponsor in AA called me the snake charmer. She bought me a snake pin to wear because I like bad men.