Moved: I feel like a nut. Dec 12, 2011 19:57:20 GMT -8
Post by ontheroad on Dec 12, 2011 19:57:20 GMT -8
Hi everybody. I am an ambivalent love addict and am in recovery. I have recovered from many of the love addict behaviors that used to cause me so much pain, but have recently realized that I am still acting out in my avoidance behaviors. I have been really analyzing myself and my relationship lately, and I realized that I am constantly feeling the need to control my girlfriend's behaviors that embarrass me out in public. The things that embarrass me are her anger issues, and awkward social behaviors. Her pet names, drunken loudness for me are really embarrassing too... :-[ They are so embarrassing that I feel myself rolling my eyes, which is a sign that I don't fully respect her. She says I've been rolling my eyes a lot lately. If I don't respect my partner and we have kids, then I would be setting my kids up to become like me..an enmeshed child whose parent places more importance on the relationship with the kid than with the other parent. I resent that I don't respect quite a bit of what she does. I don't know why I have such a fear of looking naive in front of random people. Maybe it comes from my ex step mother that used to accuse me of fake things and make me look like an idiot with her BPD rages in public places....I don't want this. I want to be with someone who can handle their own stuff! I work on my own stuff and I don't expect any one else to keep me in check! It's my stuff. It seems that the people I am attracted to can't keep their own stuff in control. So I end up acting in certain ways (yes, walking on egg shells.) to make sure that I don't see their behaviors that I don't like. Am I trying to stay in denial and control these issues so I don't have to deal with the fact that it might be better to just leave them? I realize I also have some untreated symptoms of codependence. Mainly difficulty maintaining boundaries. I am also feeling really confused. My girlfriend and I were on a break last week so I could figure stuff out. Now I am resenting the fact that I feel like I am sacrificing my own self love and self health in the short term to see if we can resolve our issues in the long term. I am putting the relationship before my own health currently. Is this a healthy thing to do if it could make our relationship better later? The truth is that I am still in a slightly fragile state of my love avoidance addiction. Things are not good enough in this relationship right now for me to feel safe and unthreatened....They were before things started going wrong and I didn't have any triggers present so I was fine. Now I'm feeling triggers all over the place and feel myself trying to fantasize my way out of the relationship...I am not okay yet. I need more step work, and work on boundaries. What would be the healthy thing to do? At this point, would couples counseling be a good option? Or is it too bad to make it healthy again??? I also just realized, that I may be trying to "fix her" so I can be happy with her, versus just saying "We are not at matching emotional levels." I feel like maybe it's bad of me to do this. I don't believe I have the right to try to change her...but if she is doing things that hurt our relationship or herself or me, is it okay for me to talk about it? Where is the line between helping each other grow, and not accepting someone the way they are???I appreciate your thoughts on all of this, as I am trying to stop living out this pattern of unhealthy relationships.