Post by Healing Ku'uipo on Jun 13, 2011 9:59:57 GMT -8
I am really worked up about something and this has happened before...I think it's a pattern.
I have this friend who I think 'might' like someone I know that I think is Soooo unhealthy and so unnattractive.
And theres nothing I can do about it. Right? And I guess I feel extra emotional involvement because I would go out with him. I would be a better choice. But I am not ready to date yet...
I am at the threshold of making stuff up. And that's not good.
I never had sex with work PoA because I couldnt get around the fact that he had had an affair with this co worker... this really unnattractive and unhealthy woman who I felt really abused by. And I just didnt have the courage to ask him about it.
So now here is this Lovely friend of mine, 'maybe' going for a really unhealthy person. It feels similar.
So let's see...going back This could be ..
It could be like those Powerful ,Amazing women, who both went for my Father... Uggh.
It wasnt my job to protect the women who got involved with my Dad, they left shortly after his sickness shone through the glamour.. Maybe I am still stuck there.
And I guess it can come down to me with this as well. In My past men were really a mess, terrible terrible choices,very unhealthy.
I have to remember to keep on the ball with myself too.
I think I have to admit that I am powerless if my friend chooses Another unhealthy person. And re focus on my life... And maybe say something to him. Scary thought.
To make sure I understand correctly, you're saying you have a male friend that you think likes a female that is emotionally unhealthy and unattractive? And you yourself want to go out with your male friend but you're not ready to date yet...?
I agree with your that it is not your job to "protect" this guy per se. What do you know about the woman he's interested in? Why do you say she's unhealthy? What did she do? Either way I do agree you shouldn't meddle. If it were me I'd briefly speak my $0.02 to my friend (like I would any other friend) about my observations and keep it moving. Let them come to their own conclusions and make their own mistakes if need be. I'd do my best to keep from becoming too involved in or concerned with their affairs. Remember, we become addicted to other people's drama to avoid dealing with our own life.
Post by Healing Ku'uipo on Jun 13, 2011 10:41:15 GMT -8
Yes, That's right. She is not in recovery, went out with a friend of mine and was abusive.
Thanks for responding Tizzy, The thing is, I have a crush and I am too afraid to say anything . This situation makes me feel pressured to do so and I am not ready... So I guess if he does hook up with her, I will have to distance myself, which would probably happen anyways. So the other part of me is saying' Tell him you like him! Then let the chips fall where they will. My old pattern is not speaking up. Even if I don't tell him I have a crush I could warn him that this may be a bad decision. I am 40 and I feel like a kid here... Why do I have to be so much maintenance!
["Even if I don't tell him I have a crush I could warn him that this may be a bad decision."]
Well, you certainly can't do both! lol He'd feel like it's a set up :-)
Are you certain that the way you feel about him is not anything related to your addiction? It's not any sort of unhealthy obsession or fantasy or anything? Does he seem like an emotionally healthy person? They say emotionally unhealthy people attract other emotionally unhealthy people sometimes. So if he's attracted to that woman you think is abusive, then that may not say much about him. Just throwing that out there as something to think about. It would certainly be in the front of my mind!
If he does seem healthy and you are interested in him, why not simply try to get to know him better? Maybe invite him for something fun like lunch or a weekend outing (ie park, garden tour). If the attraction is mutual it will definitely become apparent over time.
Post by Healing Ku'uipo on Jun 13, 2011 12:38:46 GMT -8
He has done quite a bit of therapy... but thanks Tizzy you nailed my worry on the head. If he chooses to go out with her then that doesnt say much for his health... At this point it's conjecture that I could turn into an obsession...It may or may not happen.....whoopsie.
I am going to take a break now from this... I like the easy garden tour idea.
p.s. I think going to a wedding yesterday really triggered me! I'm pretty sure I just went a little crazy... No ... I am really sure!
DOn't warn him about anything. If you like him, be straightforward and tell him. The more direct you are the less opportunity there is to be manipulative and that is what would be occuring if you "warned him".
HK maybe you could borrow the slogan, Live and let live, from the Al anon program? and just try to maintain your healthy recovery and let the chips fall where they may........ Sorry but this sounds like trouble otherwise, just do your thing and live your life, on a certain level this is far more comfortable for you and far more attractive to anyone and everyone you hope to meet, when you are ready to start dating again.
Post by Healing Ku'uipo on Jun 14, 2011 4:27:17 GMT -8
There is no god higher than truth. ~Mahatma Gandhi
It is a terrible thing for a man to find out suddenly that all his life he has been speaking nothing but the truth. ~Oscar Wilde ( or showing it by deception).
I tore myself away from the safe comfort of certainties through my love for truth - and truth rewarded me. ~Simone de Beauvoir
The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable. ~Attributed to James A. Garfield
There is no truth. There is only perception. ~Gustave Flaubert
If a thousand old beliefs were ruined in our march to truth we must still march on. ~Stopford Brooke
Only by much searching and mining are gold and diamonds obtained, and man can find every truth connected with his being if he will dig deep into the mine of his soul.
~ James Allen Quotes from As a Man Thinketh
Always you have been told that work is a curse and labour a misfortune. But I say to you that when you work you fulfil a part of earth's furthest dream, assigned to you when that dream was born, And in keeping yourself with labour you are in truth loving life, And to love life through labor is to be intimate with life's inmost secret.
~ Kahlil Gibran Quotes from The Prophet
I am seroisly considering speaking my truth. I wish I could speak the Truth in all things that matter to me... One Step at a time. This is a good opportunity for me to grow. HK
What's he in therapy for? That right there is a red flag. I know its the pot calling the kettle black, but if I had my choice I'd steer away from people in therapy. No use in both of us having a bunch of issues to work through.
Post by Healing Ku'uipo on Jun 14, 2011 13:43:22 GMT -8
Thanks everyone for your input! I have been learning in my CoDa work that when I feel an urgency it is part of my addiction. I have time to make a rational decision. I was triggered into a sense of urgency by the wedding I went too...
Tizzy I find your statement interesting... I have an opposite view. I wouldnt want to be with anyone who wasnt in therapy of some kind. I think everyone needs some kind of therapy to deal with life and I don't want to become his therapist. That was always my role. The fixer. The one with the answers. And I guess I have never met a guy who had it all together. And Like attracts like so... I really have no perspective on a guy healthy enough not to need a therapist! Ha! If my Dad had seen a therapist, my life would be so different... (My friend does a stress managment therapy)...
Thanks again everyone!
Today was so cold and gloomy, again! I cannot believe school vacation starts next week, I swear it's only April up here in New England.
With the logic you are applying with the "both in therapy" idea, couldn't I make the extra leap and say an available person not in therapy would deem a person in therapy as unsuitable for dating? I always adhere to the principle we all have challenges and the difference is the healthy person recognizes their flaws/challenges/shortcomings and utilizes tools such as therapy to address them.
Just a thought.
"If you have overcome your inclination and not been overcome by it, you have reason to rejoice."
["couldn't I make the extra leap and say an available person not in therapy would deem a person in therapy as unsuitable for dating?"]
euphony, I agree! I would venture to guess that if the majority of people had their way, they'd prefer to date or be with people who are emotionally healthy and who are not in the midst of confronting any major life issues. I know I wouldn't. Like I said before, I know I'm the pot calling the kettle black, but that's how I feel.
When I do start dating, I do not want to date anyone in any type of recovery program or therapy. I don't mind if someone had therapy or counseling in the past for some personal life issues that were non-addicted related. We all go through things. But I know I definitely do not want to date an addict of any type, nor do I want to date a recovered addict of any type. I would always be fearful of a relapse on their part. This may seem hypocritical but it's how I feel. I'd worry that two addicts or recovering addicts would just be a storm of some sort waiting to happen. I prefer that one of us be a little more healthily grounded (and with my background, that apparently is NOT me). Yes I'm an addict, and hopefully I'll meet people who don't quite think like me :-)
I do believe there is value in going to therapy, and I do think it's great for people to gain insight into themselves and seek ways to make their life better. I would have no problem dating someone who's been in therapy for something. BUT, it would depend on what that therapy was for and how long ago it took place. If someone is currently undergoing therapy, I'd think it might be better to wait until they're done or at least at a place of emotional and mental stability.
I look at Betheny Frankel from that housewives show and all that she's had to confront from her past while dealing with a brand new (sexy) husband and a sweet new little baby as well. She's been going to a therapist (which they show on every episode) and she clearly still has A LOT of work to do before she is mentally and emotionally in a place of peace. Her husband appears to be very healthy emotionally and is patiently standing by her side as she works through her issues. And she has a lot of issues. She's a love avoidant (she's walked away from 3 or 4 engagements), and her issues stem from a very unstable upbringing in which she felt unloved by her parents, among other things. Her dealing with her issues has caused a lot of emotional drama between her, her husband and her husband's family (who is awesome!). She's trying to adapt and adjust to a healthier state of living, and her husband and his family are caught smack in the middle of HER adjustment. I watch them and think that perhaps if they'd waited until she was out of therapy, or at least at a more stable place emotionally, they'd get along better and have a healthier r'ship. In fact, I honestly think her husband should have chosen an emotionally healthier woman to begin with. But that's just my opinion. I said all of this to illustrate that dating someone currently in therapy seems like it would wreak havoc on my own emotional state of being. I don't want to deal with the highs and lows of someone else's drama and issues while still learning how to put mine to rest. If Jason was in therapy like Betheny, there's no way they'd have made it as far as they have as a couple. THe only reason they're doing halfway decent and have made it this far is BECAUSE her husband is emotionally healthy and stable. He is like her rock.
The other day I was raving on and on to D about Russel Brand and how great he was for quitting drugs and being in recovery. "Isn't it great when someone can overcome an addiction like that?" I said.
"Isn't it great when someone never got into drug or alcohol in the first place?" D responded.
I think it's important to understand that everyone's VALUES are different. While Tizzy may not be able to handle someone in recovery (I couldn't either), someone else may find that to be perfectly acceptable (D finds it acceptable in me-- then I again I never really talk about it with him because I don't see the point--it would be like talking to him about cross-stiching or baking. And that makes a difference too--what KIND of a person you are about your recovery).
OUr values are all relative. I can't live with a smoker. SOmeone else here might be able to do that. There is no one value that can be applied to everyone across the board-- with the exception of a few obvious ones (no violence, no murders, etc. and even then, some people can handle that).
The more you know yourself and what you can and cannot handle (and I'm not talking about the little things, I'm talking about the big things) the better able you will be at finding someone who shares your same values.
Last Edit: Jun 16, 2011 2:31:50 GMT -8 by LovelyJune