So taking that into account, I really am in difficult space and time right now. This is my 1st return here that we're no longer close. My last vacation was prior to my present employer and we were still in friendship then. So it's like this return is my 1st biggest test now in recovery. With so limited options outdoor, either I go outside and get triggered by where we used to meet for many yrs. or stay indoor where I'm triggered to text her more than I should.
misterb: "The big difference to me, is that the unhealthy people I have chosen to keep in my life are the ones that can not trigger my bottom-line behavior." Thanks! Good point!
tizzy: "HO, it's not about whether your contacts are healthy or not. What's it's about is your communications with your contacts and how you deal with them, healthy or not. It sounds like the way you are dealing with this particular woman is becoming slightly obsessive. You say you only text her once in a while. Twice a day and waiting for a response and getting mad about it is not harmless, once in a while communication. Your love addiction (and maybe codependence?) is controlling you. Some people in your life may not be all that healthy emotionally but you have to learn to keep them at arm's length and detach from them emotionally. It doesn't sound like you've done that yet with this lady. You can't say you've detached when you're getting angry at her for not reaching out to you. Even though you deny having expectations of her, it's clear you expect more from her than she wants to give you right now. In situations like this, where your feelings and efforts aren't being reciprocated or appreciated, it's best to let go and move on."
-Thanks! It's worth pondering! BTW, what's up w/ your friendship? How's your recovery and boundary affecting your relationship w/ others?
@reinvent: "My ex H used to watch very closely. .take notes and alter his behavior in order to get exactly what he wanted and evoke a desired response from me. This was done in such a way so as to only benefit him and ease his own discomfort.
There was never any lasting healthy change. It was all very manipulative and self serving. In turn he saw himself as saintly."
- What's your reaction, response in all these behavior? And how sure are you that he did not mean them well? Have you trusted him before?
If you think some of my ways remind you of your ex-H part, you also in a way reminds me of my former best friend's past doubts or negative perception. :-P No offense meant but don't you think it's "hard to please" you sometimes and no one is that good enough? Thank you!
1. "I would feel like this person wasn't worth my time.."
-The thing is few minutes of my extra time every now and then I don't mind giving it away esp when I'm here and I'm used to spending it on her for lack of options.
2."If a person isn't responding, they're sending a clear message to you that they don't want a relationship."
-I got it that she doesn't want a relationship w/ me anymore. But I'm ok w/ limited texting her, is that unhealthy?
3."A healthy relationship requires 2 people who are willing to do the work to make it a healthy relationship. If one person is healthy and the other isn't, it won't work. IF you do the work and the other person doesn't, it means the relationship isn't really going to work. when someone is not willing to do the work, we have to let them go. We cannot change them. We should not continually alter ourselves. We move on, knowing there is a rich world out there."
What do you mean by let go here?Now that she accepted my apology and we are at peace? Move on in what terms? I noticed that when I'm outside we communicate in a better manner but once I'm in her country there are more triggers/urges to go beyond LC while she becomes "off" again. It's like she prefers communicating w/ me outside of her country now.
4."I will not encourage someone I see in active addiction, even if they have made changes. It is a process, you don't go from addicted to recovered in a few weeks or even months. It is a project of a lifetime and the willingness must always be there. You are still very very young in this process. Clearly you’re unwilling to really let go and seeking loopholes to keep contact, etc. This happens a lot and generally does not end well."
-But sometimes HP has different time in dealing and healing a person. There is miracle..
-WHY GENERALLY IT DOESN'T END WELL?
5.The expectations you have of her are self-centered in the addict way. This issue of self centered fear and the lack of humility I see in your willingness to admit defeat are all basic step one work.
-How it becomes self-centered in the addict way? And what do you mean by "to admit defeat"? What is the defeat here? Thanks a lot!
Last Edit: May 13, 2011 4:08:54 GMT -8 by overcomer
Post by brooklynberry on May 13, 2011 7:14:29 GMT -8
a few clarifications- an amends doesn't always result in a "fixed" relationship. I means we have cleaned up our side of the street, spititually. Some people ignore our amends. Amends does not mean a fixed friendship. At all. Do some reading on amends in AA, step 9. Doing an amends to get what we want out of a person or in hopes of fixing a relationship is not the point. This is why people have years of recovery before doing it.
you claim "I got it that she doesn't want a relationship w/ me anymore. But I'm ok w/ limited texting her, is that unhealthy?" And you say you only spend a small amount of time texting her
what about the hours and hours a day you spend on here, ruminating about this? THAT is obsession. trying to figure her out, etc. Include that time. Not just the time you spend actually interacting, but the amount of energy you spend thinking about it, coming here.
Once you decide to let go of a relationship you have to let go absolutely. Her games, etc. are getting you hook line and sinker. YOu're still playing them. This is what I mean by admitting defeat - you still this that this will work if you just figure out the right formula, or find the right way....
I don't believe in Magic HP's - that we pray and immediately get what we want. I think HP provides what's best for us, even if it's a painful lesson in the moment that ultimately leads to a much much better situation that we can't see right now bc we are limited as humans.
ok this is all I can really give to this situation anymore. There are lot of other people who can help you.
Last Edit: May 13, 2011 7:16:37 GMT -8 by overcomer
Post by brooklynberry on May 13, 2011 7:24:45 GMT -8
yeah, the convienience of texting allows for a fake relationship in some ways. None of my sponsees are allowed to text me. They must speak face to face or on phone. Just typing breeds sort of emotionless, fake relationships where we only interact w the phone.
YOur fear of the meetings being recorded, etc. is totally not at all a risk for the SLAA phone meetins.
I cannot relate to your culture. It explans a lot though
if you treat women like children (can't drive, etc) they will act like them (adults ranking best friends, etc.). It's a power dynamic used by rulers of controlling states. Keeps women "in line".
Last Edit: May 13, 2011 7:26:12 GMT -8 by overcomer