Post by Metamorphosis on Nov 19, 2008 14:07:13 GMT -8
I sponsor this woman in AA and everytime she has a feeling she does not like she gets drunk. When I got sober my sponsor said, "The first thing you have to learn to do is to feel your feelings without getting drunk?"
This got me wondering. What do love addicts do to avoid painful feelings like anger, sadness, depression, anxiety, fear, ect. I guess we try to make contact to ease our pain.
So if the alcoholic has to sit with their feelings and not drink we have to sit with our feelings and not make that call.
There is an "Emotions" forum on this board. I think I am going to check it out.
Hi...I agree.This is the most important thing I think.When i went to rehab I had to sit with feelings and wasnt able to contact or take meds or do anything to ease the pain.What I did do though was eat or starve myself.Its becoming easier to deal with feelings.In a fit of rage I asked my therapist waht I should do with my anger and she replied...nothing...acknowledge it.Say "HI" vomitous anger and just sit with it.It will pass.
Good question meta - I know for me I try to make things better. In the thick of my last addictive relationship I would try to make things better even when HE had been mean. That's just what I do in life. Instead of just sitting with uncomfortable feelings (at best) or sheer panic (at worst) I dive into "fix it" mode.
It has been a real challenge since coming to the site to stop that behavior. I mean my stomach actually clenches when I just sit there and don't do anything.
I have to start doing the same thing when I get angry. Very difficult for me to keep cool when I get angry. But I like what one of the posts said this morning. It will pass.
Post by brooklynberry on Nov 20, 2008 10:23:23 GMT -8
this is all very true. it's only recently that I have been allowing myself to get really angry and not try to act on it. In the past, I would get really anxious and immediately turn to my PoA to calm me. Not only is that using him, he also wasn't available to do that at all times and I resented him for it. We broke up and there are a million reasons why, but this was a big one.
I also really identify with trying to make things better even when HE was being a jerk! I still try to do it! I'd almost apologize for things I didn't do just to make him kinder!
basically any addiction is a means of not facing up to the pain of ourselves . I have basically medicated with my POA.
I have had an enourmous trauma in the past week , I may write about it in another thread. but for the first time in a long time ,all i want to do is talk to him about it . He is avoiding me , I have hassled him all day. I feel deeply ashamed.
I cant bear to feel these feelings I want to foucs on him cos I know that when i do and when he gives me attention I feel momentarily better. Still . even now. Like the drunk with the temporary reprive of the drink.
I have ordered " how to break your addiction to a person" to try to combat this episode.
But its time to suffer and feel what i need to feel . what I cant work out is what i am afraid of. why cant I flet myself eel the pain? I dont need him and he doesnt want to be needed.
Post by Metamorphosis on Nov 20, 2008 14:27:13 GMT -8
Why does it seem non LA's can feel their own emotions yet we can't. Why.
Some of us are more sensitive at birth. Look at kids the first day of school and you will see a wide range of sensitivity regarding attachment.
Some of us have been hurt so much that our feelings just go off the scale. I have never believed that pain makes us stronger and more resilient. Pain and disappointment teach us many lessons, but it also wears us down over time. We end up with PTSD and get triggered unlike normies.
Some of us are biochemically pre-disposed to unbearable anxiety and depression, unlike normies, and we need medication.
The bottom line is that LAs are different. We need to accept this and make the best of it. Build a life that shores up our weaknesses. This means avoiding people and situations that trigger us.
Post by happygal1234 on Nov 20, 2008 18:17:43 GMT -8
I agree with the idea that some kids have more sensitive personalities than others, because I teach them and see that all the time. The thing that really helps me to keep away from my POA is contact with other people. I do volunteer work with some really funny people, and just being around them is a great distraction. Yesterday my POA called and left a message to say "hi", and this is the FIRST TIME in 5 years I did not reply in any way! No text, or voice message or e-mail or call, NOTHING! How did I do it? I guess time has just made me weary of the whole thing. But being around others helps.
Post by fluffybunny on Nov 22, 2008 0:59:14 GMT -8
I think LA helps me avoid my feelings by giving me an object to obsess over and an impossible goal (winning him or keeping him or making the relationship finally work) to devote all my energy to pursuing. It creates a lot of mental "busyness" for me. I can ignore my feelings with that distraction. Of course, eventually all I feel is pain from the relationshpi! But that pain is a distraction, too. I think it distracts from emptiness & fear of life.
Great posts, folks. Sorry to hear about your trauma, winnie. I hope you are getting the support you need for it.
I had a just the opposite experience this week! I had an incredible situation happen that was just a dream come true work-wise. Oh my gosh how I wanted to share it with my last poa who I see frequently at our common work site. He would loved to have heard it, too. He knows something is going on because I was talking about it to other people in the facility.
And here is my love addicted dilemma. I could easily tell him all about it. But I feel that it's creating that "bond" that I can't handle. He would be perfectly happy to be buddies with me. We get along fine in the workplace. The problem is with ME. I am still jealous that he has a fiancee. That he didn't pick me. I either cannot or will not let go of that resentment and so I choose to keep my conversations with him short , and only about work.
I also feel that unless I am willing to chat with him about something as dear to him (his fiancee, his life with her) as this recent situation is dear to me, than it is not fair for me to to there.
I can't have my cake and eat it, too. I feel like I was a little too "out there" with my excitement this past week, and intend to reign it in from this point on.
Also, there are many other more appropriate people I shared the story with - and it's just safer.
Also, I am going to be honest here, I don't want a friendly work-place relationship with him because I don't want to be just like the rest of the woman he's had affairs with that remain friendly with him. How's that for maturity? Ugh. Oh, well, it's a far far cry from the acting out I did when I was in the thick of things.
I was going to group therapy for woman who were abused sexually and one thing I know I do is to avoid the pain of what happened substituted other distractions to not feel the pain.
Almost all the women in the group had something they used impulsively ie: drinking, eating, acting out sexually. I was not given the chance in childhood to master feeling..I was thrust into an adult world of being the caretaker of two very dsyfunctional parents.
I know now that feeling is okay and have learned that I do not need to stay in that place for long, long enough to deal with it and then move on..
Been an arduous journey not done yet but getting there.
Post by fluffybunny on Nov 22, 2008 14:19:29 GMT -8
Judy, this part "Also, I am going to be honest here, I don't want a friendly work-place relationship with him because I don't want to be just like the rest of the woman he's had affairs with that remain friendly with him. " is exactly me!
I refuse to join my ex-PoA's little clique of ex-girlfriend "friends". Part of it is just pain sensisble (he doesn't offer me much as a friend, and it's risky for my emotional wellbeing) and part of it is sheer pride. I want to be better than them! But you know, there's nothing wrong with acting out of pride where an ex is concerned. Sure beats giving up my pride!
oh thank you fluffybunny! Isn't it great when someone gets what your talking about? Ya, the more I thought about this "friend thing with the poa" I just thought - nah, not gonna work. I'd turn into Gidget again pining after moondoggie.
And although his clique are wonderful women, my pride just wants me to stand apart. It's crazy - but like you said, all's fair when it comes to my pride.
yes the 'freind' thing is a bit of a trap I feel . I thik you sound like you have been very wise judy.... I think although I have financial reason to maintain tenuous contact I have slipped into the 'friends' thing as a means of secretly giving myself hope. its weird cos I never really realised that before.
i am getting hel for my trauma , but things are hard. Im working hard on positive visulisation , its kinda working .... winnie
Post by shattereddreams on Nov 23, 2008 11:51:56 GMT -8
I am a very emotionally sensitive person. Always have been. My feelings are very easily hurt, and I cry very easily. I realize I seem to be more emotionally reactive to situations than the average person, which has led me to long periods of painful depression, periods of extreme anxiety in which I would avoid situations and people. When the pain is unbearable, I would turn to fantasy thinking, binging on chocolate, smoking, alcoholic binge drinking, internet addiction, compulsive shopping, episodes of bulimia and anorexia, and cutting myself. Oh, and of course, men and sex.... I am trying now to replace those negative coping skills with more positive coping skills...trying to find time to work on affirmations and bible study and prayer, trying to keep myself busy doing crafts or even coloring in coloring books. But facing those feelings....wow....that is really tough for me.
Totally agree with everyone. I went through the same thing. Withdrawal was terrible because I had to release all these fantasies and feel the loneliness and sadness that I had been avoiding for so long.
I notice now when I am thinking about the POA, I ask myself, "Ok what are you avoiding?" I usually have some mild sadness or fear that passes quickly when I am in the present moment. It is so much better than even a month ago.
I will tell on myself. For me I have spread out over several behaviors that do not really fill the void. I have turned to spending money,food, minimal contact with POA, fantasizing, (drank twice), favorite websites, and excessive smoking. None of them to an unhealthy level, except I have always been a heavy smoker. I know I must try more involvement in my HP and meditation and mostly finding others I do not obsess about for friendship and support and spending more time doing things with my children.
Sorrow shared is halved...joy and laughter shared is doubled...love shared is multiplied!
Post by soco2cancan on Feb 16, 2009 1:23:00 GMT -8
I was reading everyone's thoughts and was just wondering in an earlier post exactly how to feel my feelings? One thing that crossed my mind is that I need to stop busying myself when I start to feel negative emotions and just feel them as they pass. That is the sentiment here, right? I've been a little worried because I feel a little numb today, like I am not really feeling anything even when I have thoughts about POA.
Another thought that crossed mind is that I will not make contact. My pride simply won't allow it and I've pretty much always been that way. I notice today too that it was the first time in over a week that I left my cell phone behind when I went to the gym..not obsessing if I was gonna be called. That felt good.
Post by soco2cancan on Feb 16, 2009 1:27:59 GMT -8
Oh, I meant to further expound on the pride issue. What does that mean exactly if I am letting pride rule my behaviors? Is that a defense mechanism? Or is it healthy and allowable?
I was also visualizing today seeing my POA with another woman and how that would make me feel. Of course I felt stabbing through my heart, but I was practicing feeling that pain. Is that masochistic behavior, or is it okay to create painful thoughts like that to let them out?
Post by so confused on Feb 20, 2009 11:00:51 GMT -8
that's a great question. i don't have an answer really but am thinking that it may be a form of torture. although, sometimes i think it is a good idea because inevitably someday as I see my POA almost every day I will have to see him with a another woman.
Is this a good way to prepare myself, by visualizing this now? I don't know. Sometimes I think that God protects us from things that are too overwhelming to see at certain moments but this may be wishful thinking. It is just that there have been certain things like this that I have seen at times when I have thought I couldn't have handled when I was in a different place in my life. And like my dad didn't die until I was kinda ready for it. There was a time before he died when I wouldn't have been able to handle it. It was funny that way.
So many wonderful posts on here. Fluffybunny, I agree about the pride, there is no reason for a friendship with a poa, unless you get a new partner, and the poa is no longer a poa. I am dealing with the friendship card right now, my poa is trying to be friends, but I feel that it would be too painful, I pulled away and am doing the NC. I figure if I have to go through withdrawls so should he.