I just wanted to check in with everyone as far as what's been going on with me. I'm on Day 11 of NC. Besides an occasional fantasy of my xpoa's total demise I'm feeling much better. The anxiety is gone. I no longer engage in obsessive thinking about him and his girlfriend and what they're doing, and since he's moved down the street from my house it has not been easy. This is the first time in my recovery that I truly feel like I'm actually getting some recovery. I've been doing a daily ritual of praying, followed by the third step prayer, and lots of reading before I start my day. I also have been pledging to stay in NC mode just one day at a time. I actually write it down along with the other things I have to do. This has really been working for me and i'm grateful. I don't ever want to go back to that experience, I've had enough, and nomatter what is going on with me, i'd rather deal with it than check out of my sainity with a romantic situation that didn't work for me or serve my life in any way. Now I get to live my life, my life, not react to somone else's emotional unavailability.
Last Edit: Jun 8, 2009 22:25:17 GMT -8 by triggered
Thanks everyone. It's not easy--the addiction creeps up all the time. I think the key is riding it out, and getting through it one day at a time untill it becomes effortless. Every time I even think about acting out, I ask myself for what? I have been given the same results over and over again, and those didn't work for me. It's like what Susan says about unconditional love. As LA we tend to give it out so easily to our partner's--they don't do the same for us. Love between two adults come with conditions. If we're not getting the respect, love, fidelity we need--that's a deal breaker. I didn't have any kids with my last poa, nothing invested whatsoever--So why on earth would I stay? When the veil of addiction lifts, and I look at my behaviour and what I put up with from xpoa, and I am convinced I was termorarly insane.
i just wanna chime in and say how glad i am to read the fog has lifted for you right now. it is not an accident. it is the result of all your hard work. i'm thrilled to tag along and report my fog has lifted too. the buzz is dead. what's left is me and now the building begins.
It's like what Susan says about unconditional love. As LA we tend to give it out so easily to our partner's--they don't do the same for us. Love between two adults come with conditions. If we're not getting the respect, love, fidelity we need--that's a deal breaker. I didn't have any kids with my last poa, nothing invested whatsoever--So why on earth would I stay? When the veil of addiction lifts, and I look at my behaviour and what I put up with from xpoa, and I am convinced I was termorarly insane.
Oh that was SOOOO good to read; and congrats on 12 days NC Triggered. So glad to hear the fog is lifting. Yes indeed, I feel a sense of "temporary insanity" when I look back over the last few years..it is good to be getting sane again
Post by reinventmyself on Jun 9, 2009 19:17:16 GMT -8
WTG Triggered! I have about the same amount of days with NC. It really does get better each day! The obsessive thoughts subside and the craving dies away. I remind myself how horrendous I feel when I have had contact. How quickly my mind spirals out of control and the anxiety feels as if I am on fire. I don't want to feel like that ever again! If that doesn't motiviate me to stay with NC, don't know what else will!! Being on the other side of insanity is a much better place to be! Keep your eye on the prize.
I think it's admiting that we have an addiction, and are powerless over it. Our thinking should we engage in thinking about poa turns obsessive, and we act out, repeating the same pattern over and over. For me recovery has been about not setting myself up for the craving. Any contact for me makes me spin out. This includes leaving myself open for contact or talking about my poa to other people. I'm trying to actually work through this and be alone for a bit, instead of my usual pattern which is be in agony for a long time till i find a new poa to replace the old one. This is different for me and I'm uncomfortable because I don't know what to expect or I sink into fear. I'm now in acceptance of this--and i know that it will pass. I talked to a girl at a meeting today who was going through the same thing. I was trying to be of service, but i realized that except for these boards and step work, i'm uncomfortable talking about my poa period. This is very different for me, because I used to go off about it to anyone that would listen, it would be my way of keeping the addicion going. Now that i'm doing contrary action, it's more comfortable to not talk about it.
Post by reinventmyself on Jun 10, 2009 8:04:51 GMT -8
same here. . just talking about him or 'it' I keep feel the anxiety and obsession start to build. Sometimes I come here and read but can not post. I just don't want to go `there'. I take that as a good sign.
Day 14 NC- it's amazing how a little seperation can restore us to sanity. I have been trying to stay present, and this has been difficult since my head loves to dive into all of the resentment from the past. This is what really sets me back into the obsession. It's that or I start thinking about the future and all of this unrealistic fear comes up. Both are not real. I am only responsible for this moment and the decisions I make in this very moment. I can either be in recovery and move on and have a great life, or stay in the past with my thoughts and actions. We always have a choice.
Good for you triggered! I am in the same boat. Very consiously do not talk about him to others. I guess as we go along and get restored to some kind of calm and sanity we get the ability to look over our history with love addiction. What are the common factors? Where did the fantasy, denial, excuse making, settling for less kick in? What could I have done differently?