Post by sillypoppet on Jan 3, 2009 18:40:51 GMT -8
I am feeling so lonely and depressed right now. I don't mean to whine- I know that it's just part of the recovery phase. I have been praying a lot and trying to listen to positive music. But at the end of the day, I crash. I feel very angry because God is all powerful... but he never takes the pain away. I am constantly forcing myself to smile and be "happy."
So one of my girlfriends emailed me today to tell me that my last love interest, "S," has a new girlfriend. I'm not sure why she felt the need to do that... The "other woman" turned out to be his sister, lol, but I really didn't want to think about him.
So after reading the email from my friend, my ex boyfriend "J" from three years ago, randomly sends me an IM. I like talking to J, but I hate how it makes me feel. He always tells me I'm beautiful and thanks me for being so kind to him. He's not a bad guy, but he can be so emotional. When we're together it gets way too intense to handle. I told him that I was seeing a therapist and about Pia Mellody's book "Facing Love Addiction." J was really interested and asked me to send the info to his email.
I love J as a person, but he drives me crazy. We talk maybe once every couple of months, but when we do I always end up confused.
I just want to be better. I want to stop missing "S" and be able to talk to "J" without getting confused. I probably should stop talking to J all together, but it's so infrequent that I forget how much it upsets me. I keep thinking that it's going to change.
Post by faithhopelove on Jan 3, 2009 22:56:59 GMT -8
sillypoppet (love your name btw), I'm feeling really lonely and depressed too. It's hard to accept sometimes that this is part of recovery. I'm past the point of calling/texting my ex of four years (I broke up with him a year ago) but I still get tempted to look at his newish girlfriend's pics on Facebook. She just happens to be my exroommate. I have to stop myself from doing it... and I feel so crazy for even CONSIDERING it. But I know I'm not the only one so that makes me feel a little bit better...
I was really triggered on New Years when a mutual friend told me that my ex treats his girlfriend really, really well - a lot better than he treated me. I was crushed at first. I admitted that the first thoughts going through my head were 'what's wrong with me that he treats her so well?' I had to really react rationally instead of emotionally (which is so hard) and I asked my friend to please not talk about him with me. I was just like.. why do people feel the need to tell me things that I really don't need to know?? AUGH!
So... not that I have any great advice or anything... but at least we can be together in our loneliness!
its cool to share silly poppet, I don't see you as whining ! i too have confusing thoughts about my ex (not poa) I love him but am not attracted to him , I think we were just great friends so we thought we could be a couple and I found it very non threatening. hey ho I miss him like crazy but the thought of being intimate with him makes me feel a bit ill.
Anyway I try to limit the time I speak to him . I also try and tell him when Im findind it hard . I want to keep this friendship and I think I can but i have to be careful about my boundaries.
do you really want to keep this friendship? is it important to you? only you really know but if it upsets you that much well seems the bad out weighs the good , surely then time to let go
Post by faithhopelove on Jan 4, 2009 17:37:18 GMT -8
winnie... that's how I feel about my ex (not POA). And it's frustrating because I WANT to be attracted to him because he has all those other great qualities... but... I'm just not. He knows it, too... and still wants to be my friend. I value his friendship and wish I had never started dating him. What do you do to keep boundaries?
Post by sillypoppet on Jan 4, 2009 17:46:52 GMT -8
I know of so many people who do Facebook and Myspace stalking (a little freaky, and definately not to say that it's normal or okay). I usually delete the guy and block him once we break up... I don't need to be tempted with that. But that was how my girlfriend found out about the dude... myspace stalking (agh, I told her not to). But, I agree with you. I'm not sure what our friends are thinking!
I'm sorry you had to hear that about your ex. You're right, how he treats women now does not reflect on you in anyway. There was obviously a good reason for choosing to end a four year relationship... Sometimes the relationships we are in aren't the best match for us. I am normally a very kind person, and some of my relationships have brought out a very harsh side of me. You did something very difficult in realizing that there was a serious problem and terminating the relationship.
So anyways, thanks for replying to me. At least we have some comfort in knowing there are other people here like us!
Post by sillypoppet on Jan 4, 2009 18:37:01 GMT -8
In reference to "J" (okay, so I have way too many ex's), the problem is we are physically attracted to each other. The last time I saw him it was very intense. So, that's my problem... I had to end the romantic relationship because we're both emotionally unhealthy. He IM'd me again last night after my post. I've tried cutting off contact before and it worked for about a year... then he came back apologizing profusely for being a jerk (and of course I couldn't resist it).
He only contacts me anyways when he's lonely. I've told him a million times not to talk sexually and not to share all his emotional turmoil with me. His reply is that I'm the only person he can talk to about it. For awhile he went into a really bad depression and wouldn't talk to anyone except me about it (I tried to get him to seek help, but he's so stubborn). It seriously was one of the most painful experiences ever. There's nothing like sleeping with your ex and then listening to him cry afterwards. If you want to get a full extent of it, read my poem The Other woman posted in the poems category.
It's messed up, I know. He keeps chasing after me, and I keep giving in. I'm avoiding him today, hopefully it will stick.
Lonliness seems like it is killing me today and since initiating LC with my POA the addiction is flaring out in other ways. I have been going to online dating sites, I think it's a way of medicating my feelings of low self-worth. I know I have a tendency to idolize women in a bad sense - as in - I make a woman my idol. I desperately think that she can make me whole. i make her my god. I have an intense craving for attention, affirmation, and affection. My POA was filling that need, and also - since we had created this fantasy that we would be together, it was soothing to think of a future where we would be together and I would be loved and cared for and have someone to love and care for.
Deconstructing that fantasy makes me panic about the future. Going to the online dating sites allows me to kind of calm those fears.
But I do think it boils down to me not being able to simply trust in God and endure the feelings of lonliness and emptiness.
It's really tough today. I want to call her and tell her I love her. I don't want to think about all of the very real obstacles to us being togehter, I don't want to think it was a shared delusion. At the same time, I saw my ex today and had an imaginary conversation with her in my head where I once again apologized for everything that I did and ask if maybe we can try counseling.
I understand those intense cravings for attention - affirmation - affection. I tend to smother people with those over-the-top needs.
As painful as it is, it's really good that you can acknowledge those feelings. It's the only way we can really start working on them. Like Step One says, we really are powerless -- and that's where trust in God comes in....
Yeah - I know what it's like to be all over the place. As for me - I take it one minute at a time many days. Keep posting. We're all listening. We all get it.
All love addicts have a hungry heart. This manifests itself as intense loneliness and a neediness around others. They have been trying to feed their heart with romantic love. They must feed it with self-love and the love of God. They will then be less needy (hungry) for the love of others.
Many people can only love themselves after they feel God's everlasting love. They go from feeling the love of God to being able to love themselves.
This is why LAA is a spiritual program.
Last Edit: May 13, 2009 16:30:04 GMT -8 by Susan P.