Why do we love addicts have a low bordom threshold ??what causes it in us ..it seems to get mixed up with being inpatient to !!!
Why do we love excitement ?
To stop being bored when we are ?? Or have to be doing something and be busy or is it nothing to do with being a love addict ??
Sometimes when i have nothing to do i am like caged lion ...must do something ?? WHY
Funny thing is it has always served me well in business as i get thing done right away.........I am now in the property business and theres lots of areas where you need patience so then its not easy waiting and can be very frustrating at times although i am excepting it more !!
can anybody explain to me please if it is anything connected to our love addiction ie : childhood wound ?? or not ?
My councillor said to me the other week !! you seem to be always searching for something ??
What is it she said ??
I said i dont know ??
I have always considered it to be my strong ambition that drive me ??
Post by londonlibby on Apr 26, 2008 11:40:20 GMT -8
jonny - my low boredom threshold has a lot to do with my childhood - any time I stopped still, wasn't doing something, I could either hear nasty things going on, or I'd get accused of being lazy/worthless, or I'd get hit by nasty feelings - so guess what, I stopped being a human being and became a human doing - ALWAYS doin. And that doin is the only thing getting me through this, cause agian, when I stop still, the feelings flood in, and tho I face them sometimes and be still with myself, it's hard. like you, this doin has stood me well at work!
Thats very good actually because my father used to make me feel lazy and worthless and my councillor says its the only unloving thing he did that actually made me want to prove him wrong..because i can remember being as young as 10-say 12 and having ambition to succeed and i always wondered where it came from.
Yes like you i have always been doing doing doing all the time !! It has always given me pleasure to do it though the pleasure to succeed !
I also lived in my early childhood with my Gran and Grandad my Gran i loved and adored and she me....she was very pretty and i think is the basis for my infatuation when i meet a women i like because it gives me so much pleasure maybe because my Gran did ......So what do you think we are searching for then libby ?
Do you think we are restless because of the mental abuse we got as children then and its drives us on to prove them wrong this is very interesting !!
I have always thought of it as an asset its only as i have got older that with more space in my mind the lack of love has risen out of the blue !!
Love addicts often grew up with chaos which they confuse with drama and excitement. They get addicted to it. When they were young it was thrust upon them. Now they create it. Normal for them is what they grew up with. They never had the opportunity to just kick back and enjoy the monotony of life. Now we must sweep away the chaos and drama and turn to prayer and meditation (11th step). We must adapt to life without drama and learn to enjoy it. Life without drama is called serenity.
Post by Rainbows Always on Apr 26, 2008 21:54:11 GMT -8
Thx for that Butterflygirl, I was just going to reply to jonny and londonlibby but you beat me to it....lol
this is what i believe.......The healing (of past hurts) that we need to do is in that silence, that stillness as mentioned above. Yes we feel stuff when we are still, when we stop. The feelings are awful......Thats what we do to numb the feelings...by keeping busy and usually that is by keeping busy with our addiction.we keep busy, (eat, drink, txt someone), keep ourselves distracted,anything not to feel the feelings.
For example today I am in immense pain from grieving the loss of my last r'ship, (he is in town) and I miss him so much. My first thing was to think "right to get over him and stop being sad... I need to move on. Ok so I will get on RSVP dating site and that will get my mind off him."
Then I remembered my 12 step programme and realized how ridiculous an idea that was. So then I got serious. I sat on my bed , I was STILL and I just cried. I cried and cried. Im sad and Im grieving. Im in pain. (I also prayed in between sobs to my Higher Power for help). After I cried, I knew i had to journal and get on this board and do some outreach, step work etc. I have been "working" my programme for about 3 hrs now.
Im still in my pajamas and it's 2pm, Ive done nothing if "nothing" is measured by what Im "doing". But Ive achieved heaps in terms of my state of "just being". I feel better. I feel a bit lighter. Im still sad, but I feel hopeful. A little healing took place today, and that is because I stopped and was still and sat with my feelings. I had the awareness to know I had to not be busy...even thought to do so was uncomfortable and bought on more pain.
But in recovery....to heal and come out the other side, we must push through the pain
rainbows (i have elaborated on this post with extra 12 step stuff under "12 step forum" post)
Thank you very much for the above postings although it does scare me to think thats what drives me on....I cant actually remember any chaos in my childhood but i suppose thinking about it there could have been seveal factors that i could take as chaos.....
I can see why you discribe it as serenity or you could say to be content instead of restless with life..
So once again it is a mixed up feeling because its always been mixed up with my ambitions. What a technical exercise it is to identify then seperate these entwined immotions.
So you are actually saying i should confront this feeling and replace it with serenity and except what ever life places in front of me....and keep my ambitions seperate. Interesting.
I can also see why my councillor sees it as i am always searching for something which does create the restless feeling and now at this stage in life the voids are greater leading to more chaos. Yes i now realise why i sometimes say general life is boring doing the norm but even doing the norm as long as it keeps me busy im happy.....
So you actual say im looking for drama anytime im bored ? I have read this many times on the postings and did not actually understand it like this !!
Will i be able to pin point this childhood chaos if i digress back to me childhood ??
hi jonny, obviously its different for everyone and we cant forget the subjective nature of these things , but the idea of a chaotic childhood isnt generally linked to one specific event more a consistant way in which your needs were not met. one could say that if your mother for example was an alcoholic and neglected you and was emotionally unavailable that you saw this as the norm and repeat the same cycle in your adult relationships as you had with your mother. sustaining the pain because its what we were taught even tho it is destructive... scares me ....... winnie
Post by Rainbows Always on Apr 27, 2008 13:03:22 GMT -8
Jonny, mmmmmmm I dont know if I i was actaully saying all that stuff, how you interpreted it. I cant vouch for you, this is just my experience.
One thing I can say is that everyone "ideally" should try "serenity" versus chaos and discomfort. Isnt that the ideal for all humans? Who wants to live with pain, discomfort,angst, stress, discontent, turmoil, if we can have "serenity" instead.
Spiritually speaking..serenity...peace of mind...nirvava (in Buddhism)...its the same thing.......that is the ultimate goal.
Im not saying you shoud do anything with your ambitions. I cant judge that at all. Im just saying that sometimes we must stop and be still and not be busy, so that we can just feel what we are meant to feel. Good or bad. If you feel bored when you stop perhaps you need to explore those feelings further.
Im certainly not saying you are looking for drama everytime you are bored. They werent my words. However I know from my own experience the emotional highs and lows in my life have created for me a perpetual roller coaster. That sometimes when the roller coaster slows down and my life settles for a moment (I guess for some this would be boring, because it lacks the intensity). For me it doesnt feel boring..........it just feels uncomfortable for me.... because it is a totally alien feeling.
For example one day I was with my ex, he'd flown over and we were staying in a cabin on a beautiful lake, we hadnt seen each other for mths and the nature of my life, our r'ship (prior to recovery was emotionally up and down ALL THE TIME). Anyway we were on the lake, overlooking the city lights and it was beautiful, surrounded by nature and I with this wonderful man. We were so connected to one another, so at peace. It was bliss. We sat in silence on the deck watching the stars......all was well.
........until I felt overwhelmingly weird, and I asked him if he was happy (i questioned him because all of a sudden I felt insecure).. he said "amazingly so". I asked him, "do you love me?" He again answered "absolutley" .He asked me what was wrong and I said "I dont know. I feel like there's something wrong." I felt uncomfortable (in my gut). I feel really unsettled"
So I explored my feelings further by talking about them with him and then I went off a did a little meditation (just sitting with this odd feeling). Then I got it...the lightbulb moment. I was feeling totally content and happy and serene for the first time in my life.
However in the absense of the intense roller coaster ride that Im used to...the stillness, the quietness,the calmness, the serenity felt alien to me. Totally alien. I didnt know what to do with myself.
Until I was able to identify it, I didnt know why I was feeling so "weird" when I had absolutely no reason to. So I sat with it and eventually the weirdness subsided and the contentment just washed over me.
It was a feeling as an "addict" that Id never had before. This happened several times since ...certainly a state of being I would rather aspire to than all the uncomfortable stuff we feel instead.
Id been waiting for this feeling, my sponsor told me years ago that one day I will feel serenity. She said my life, and hers and many addicts is like a pedulum , swinging up and down, back and forth, really high swing and then a really low swing. I in fact dont like excitement and drama at all. I hate it. My life has been one BIG drama and I hate it. I kept asking my sponsor "when will my life just be quite, boring. I want boring for a change. I want the rollercoaster to stop. I want the pendulum to stop".
She promised me if I stuck to my recovery and did the work, one day the pedulum would slow down and then it would stop. But when it stops she said (ie the rollercoaster subsides)........at first the feeling will feel uncomfortable because I have never known it before. She was dead right.
After I accepted the weird feeling, it truly was a magical moment that I definetly want to feel again. It was very special..(in 12 step terms it was indeed a spiritual awakening or me).
I cant say jonny what you need to do, this is only my experience. But Id suggest its worth exploring for yourself.
Thanks yes i see what you mean yes its the cause of my love addiction to be generally unloved and as you say left to my own devices to early..or as its refered to abandoned
Strange really because i always thought this made me more indipendant but what it really did was give me my drive to prove my father wrong !!And i put a wall up to protect myself from getting hurt as i learnt at an early age that if people let me down it would hurt me !!As you know as a love addict it still does !!
I am aware of this so this could explain a lot to me !!! thank you !!
When i am bored it drives me on to do something....the only feeling i get is i suppose i feel empty unless i do something...dont get me wrong there are lots of times i am in serenity and quite happy its just this feeling of emptyness when im bored and need to do something !! I cant just do nothing all the time dont get me wrong i can sometimes do nothing and be OK but generally i am restless !!
It could just be showing up more in me now because i have had lots of losses and changes in the last few years but i still have a loving family all who love me !! And they are all very happy !!
Perhaps with all these losses and changes it has left a void in me i really dont know....its not all doom and gloom in quite happy generally especially now im having progressive recovery !
I will explore this more once again thank you !! Rainbow x
Post by Rainbows Always on Apr 27, 2008 14:05:39 GMT -8
jonny, I think any void will feel uncomfortable. Possibly exploring the exact nature of the void would be beneficial. If I may be so candid as to try and offer an explanation of the emptiness/ and this void you feel. (only my opinion). I feel i can mention this now as you have progressed wonderfully in your recovery and may be ready to hear it.
Would you be willing to consider that you are feeling a spiritual void?
You have heard so much about the 12 step program here and I know you have not quite dabbled your feet in those waters yet, but let me tell you jonny, the 12 step programme is a 3 fold recovery programme. But mostly it is about healing our addictive ways of living, healing our addictions and becomeing whole and serene, filling that void, healing that emptiness.
In 12 steps we believe the void we have been feeling is in essence a spiritual void. The 12 steps is a physical, emotional and SPIRITUAL recovery programme.
You have been working hard on your emotional recovery, perhaps the emptiness is a sign you need some spiritual recovery also.
Food for thought. I know you will chew on that one for a while. No pressure. cheers,
I just want to share that I have a rich spiritual life and practice my chosen religion devoutly, and I STILL feel empty and lonely. It's a helpful strength and a relationship with my higher power I could not live without, but has not been a cure for the long loneliness. Am not trying to be negative, just honest.
I dont know whether i feel empty or lonely its hard to explain its more like somethings missing yet i have a wonderfle familay i love all around me ?? The more i analise it... it could just be as simple as fantasizeing about a happy ever after life because we love addicts in this part of our life our very immature and our dreams are not reallity which is what makes infatuation dissapear because reallity steps in !!!
It may be as simple as that because reallity is more serious with its problems and ups and downs and dreams are perfect and easy to dream about !!
Also to dream is exciting (Drama) to releave the boredom maybe ?
Or to fight of the deep down childhood wounds i dont know ?
I think probebly the craving is the worst to get but as least when you recognise it then you have just got to deal with it the best way you can and thats usually to do something to dull it out and get it off your mind !!
I got cravings this morning and its been 6 months now that was a bit annoyed but its all part of recovery so im not to worried i have dulled it out !!
Its now mid afternoon and its gone !!
Thats when you fully realise its an addiction !!
I watched Martin Sheen the actor being interveiwed last night and he was asked what was the secret of his 47yr old marriage and he said when you make each other happy then it turns to JOY i had to look up in the dictionary the different meanings this morning its very profound !!
HAPPY !! is a state of the moment of how you are feeling at any one time or period !
I am very pleased to have i hope realised that what i have been searching for all my life is in fact Chaos and Drama this has come as a relief to me as i could not understand what it was !!!
Especially as i have got older and its appears like a void because i have more spare time!!
I even at one point thought i was searching for love but i now fully realise what it is WOW i am very pleased to have discovered this .....it has always been entwined with my drive and ambitions and just needed identifying and seperating...
Exactly the same as lust and love addiction were entwined in me it also was a breakthrough to discover that as well and learn to seperate them.....when these two immotions where set off together they became very strong but on there own they are easyer to control !!!
As i suppose when any two immotions are locked together they will produce a stronger feeling !!
I suppose we should try to identify any other immotions that get entwined or mixed together. Or the fact that one triggers the other straight away so they appear to be entwined !!
Because when they are hidden but involed in causing certain strong feelings we get !!! we can then try to seperate them !!!
What else can i do to control or replace the sudden bordom factor that gives me withdrawl and desires to see my ex to get the love addict buzz.....
She does not care and has never done anything or given me any immotion or cared for me at all so its not as though she can help me or give me anything i need so i know its the addiction !!!.....
So how do i replace this low bordom feeling that generates the dull thank god now dull craving to see my ex ...i realise its to create drama to feed the addiction so what else can i use to replace it ??
What do i fill it with i have seveal things that work but sometimes its not easy !!!..
I use my family and loved ones usually and the people i love and who love me !!!
I know i must love myself more and lift my self asteem when it drops like that !!!
Can any one tell me any more ideas ?
I suppose after 6 months of very good progress it gets a bit frustrating at this stage because the progress will slow down because the bulk of the work has been done but it still gets me down sometimes !!!
Its very sunny today and for me thats a very bad trigger for withdrawl because we has so much pleasure on sunny days everytime its sunny i get cravings !!
Fortunately it rains a lot in Manchester UK...ha ! ha !
But i must learn how to stop this trigger when its sunny ? ?
jonny - I'm just about hittin rock bottom with the boredom thing - climbing the walls, and yep, the sun is a massive trigger, wish it would rain a torrent... I've been busy getting busy doing things even if (especially if) I don't want to - the usual, friends, family etc. but also : more meditation - trying to STAY with the boredom, trying to feel instead of flee the stillness and lack of drama - then there's the activites: just joined a climbing club, I figured it would be a good metaphor for climbing out of this sh** and into, onto a new level, good luck, yours in excruciating boredom and triggers goin off like crazy...
Thanks libby yes i suppose you could say im near rock bothom.....the sunny days are just murder ive fought it all day today.....but ive been out trying to keep myself busy busy busy but its hard......lots of the triggers in the past ive stopped but still fighting the last few remaining ones especially this SUN ...
I suppose i should be pleased ive made such progress but the sun is i wish it would slow down like Manchester is famous for !!!
yes, it's wierd; when I broke up and it was sunny the next day, I thought: great, I'll be able to get out, do things, play tennis, ride, run, cycle, etc. and that'l take my mind off him. I didn'y anticipate the horrendous pain I'd feel walking passed our places and seeing people hanging out in the sun - or cycling together...I guess what I've learned from this is...just when you think you know your triggers, there's another one ready to pounce up on you... sigh
really struggled with this sun business yesterday - so good to connect with someone else doing the same. I cleared the whole evening and did extra long meditation on 'acceptance' then prayed (new for me). This morning I woke up with two simultaneous feelings : OUCH it's sunny - and OH WOW listent o those birds...and a rush of pure joy/hope...neither of these feelings lasted long, but I was able to go about my (sunny) day feeling that I deserved to be shone on! and that bad stuff PASSES...
Simple quotes like this can be very reasureing and kick you back into reality !!
when you are down you only think it will last forever and very NEGATIVE just goes to show you need to react as soon as you can do it.....
This sunshine is driving me mad today !! the birds are tweeeting the whole world joyous...and all i can do is crave......i am fighting it trying to keep busy but its not easy this thursday very SUNNY afternoon in Manchester .....i will fight it till i can get rid of it
It would not be as bad if i knew she was feeling it as well but all i can think of is her enjoying herself without me and not giving a toss about me ..But hey who knows what shes thinking ??
Its quite funny but have you noticed the first thing we think of when triggers happen is that they are enjoying themselves without us NEGATIVE !!
I have just been thinking for all i know she could be sat in the rear garden as she used to do in the sun and doing her college work ? Funny but when i think of that i dont feel no where near as bad ...our minds hey we must be MAD !!
It just goes to show as soon as we think NEGATIVE we must try a.s.a.p to change it to POSITIVE as soon as we can to make us feel better !!! and raise our low esteem !!
Post by londonlibby on May 13, 2008 7:01:27 GMT -8
Its quite funny but have you noticed the first thing we think of when triggers happen is that they are enjoying themselves without us NEGATIVE !!
Yes...it's pat of the irrational thinking that sets in - we know their lives are not all they're cracked up to be - my exe's in in a diplorable mess, part of what attracted him to me was the way my own life was manged/run/successful...and YET: ALL MY THOUGHTS IN THE SUN are about him doing this, doing that, isn't it great, isn't it cool, and I'm UNABLE to attribute the same value to the things that I'm doing - sigh.
This links back to the title of this thread - LOW BOREDOM THRESHOLD - we think everything with him/her was 'heightened' because of their life in some way, when really it was only heightened and exciting because of the ADDICTION and old, old agendas playing themsewlves out, desperately seeking resolution...
one more thing - I've just been away to somewhere windy and rainy for 4 days- IT DIDN'T HELP!!! LOL
dont tell me you have been to Manchester lol !! o no you cant have its sunny here !!ha !ha!
yes i agree it is all about triggering that we think they are enjoying themselves with someone else as much as they did with us but we were as you truly state in the high of addiction so unless they are with someone else who is high on addiction we are actually being jeleous of something that does not exist......
yesterday i got the withdrawl and went to the trouble of seeing her although it was from a distance i saw her going out with her mother and suddenly i felt really good because i knew where she was and who she was with which made me also realise the trigger is actually Rejection and now i feel i am more prepared for it today its been sunny but ive been ok...its all a learning curve we never stop learning about ourself all for the better to improve !!!
yes its all about learning to change a negative thought into a positive one feed your mind with good things and not bad things which feed the addiction and the addiction loves it but gives you the pain and hurt !!
Post by acheybreakyheart on May 13, 2008 22:52:47 GMT -8
Its nice to read posts I relate to...
I have noticed for a long time how easily I get bored. I need a lot of stimulation. It is especially apparent with my love life too. I get bored of men very easily, and it is usually the charismatic, funny, not-boring personalities that are also unavailable that I get hopelessly hooked on for years at a time. I have been not dating for 6 months, and in withdrawal from all intrigues for 4 days (they were all cut off). I'm in a lot of pain. I wonder sometimes about how this will work in terms of being attracted to the more "boring" guys that are stable. Right now it feels scary...I feel like I cant force it. I hope recovery will bring a shift in who I'm attracted to.
I totally feel the same way with the last post. I need to be around guys who are exciting. With the excitement always comes the unavailable part which, in turn, leaves me upset, clinging and always wanting more.
I hate being alone. I get bored so easily and then the emotions start running in. It's such an uncomfortable feeling being alone and I dread it.
The thought of spending a whole weekend to myself scares me.
I did have a turbulent childhood and I think I'm putting it all together that I need to keep busy to keep from dealing with all of the pain, and feeling alone.
I still think this is still a symptom of being dependent on a relationship and although I see that I shouldn't be like this, the emotions and fear of loneliness in me won't let me be okay with being alone yet.
Logically, I understand everything that I'm doing and why I am doing it, however I can't seem to control the emotions by reason alone.
At this point, I'm beginning to think this is just who I am and while I've changed my way of thinking.... I cannot change my emotions. Although I do try to keep them at bay when I feel them, I think they will always be there.
I understand what you are saying fully but if you have counciling or you read and learn as much as you can about yourself from on here or the internet it will help you to feel and understand yourself better and hopefully the feelings you have will not be as strong or you will even be able to control them but you must learn to understand yourself rather than o it happens and its out of my control !!!basicly it sounds like attachment hunger you have which we love addicts suffer from as you may know !!you may be surching for chaos and drama as you had in childhood !!
I have had it for yrs but now i understand it more it does not bother me as much and in lots of situations i can control it !!
It may help you if you go to the recovery section and check out the two web sites i have listed they are free just download them and read away !!! good luck
Hi I completely relate to this too, how I have never had time for the 'boring' guys.
Jonny is right we try to emulate that which we know best, often the blue print of our lives , our childhood. I have done it over and over and over again! one thing that has helped me is begin to spend time redefining on paper and in my head what I think is a positive life relationship. what is 'not boring'? whay do we want it? I Challenge what I think I want , I imagine myself in a relationship with a quiet strady soul , this is what I have been tryig to do and it has helped. If I am with someone I now know I want a deep steady intimacy. Perhaps the most important thing being someones ability to "Emphasise"- not how funny and gregarious they are. Its been a real eye opener for me realising this. I see men differently now, how they emphasise and root for me seems to be the crux of what I really need and want ......... winnie
You are correct in the challenging yourself in cognative thinking i read imagine your self in the dock in court after you have had a negative castrostrofic hurtfle thought and cross examine yourself as to how true it is and if its something you cant prove it goes away straight away as you prove its lies you are feeding yourself to hurt yourself !!
I also read yesterday on here with great interest where the origin of the withdrawl comes from say you are child in a large store and you lose your mum you get seperation anxeity and at that age you do not know how to control it ...
Also when we seperate from a relationship the withdrawl is the child in us wanting out prime caretaker say your mum because it triggers in us the time when our bond was seperated and again we did not know at that age how to control it so this is why we get the withdrawl its the wanting of the love your prime carer gave you as a child......these are things we learnt when a child and its the only way we know how to react now !!
This is how i understand it ??
The way to try and control this is to keep your mind in NOW and not let it drift back into childhood hence triggering our hunger (withdrawl)...i am hoping to use this in future i tried it yesterday and it worked once or twice but like all these things its practice to make them take the test of time !!! hope this helps anyone else !!!
often negative thoughts are called catastrophising ( i think thats how its spelt..) where in a given scenario we imagine the worse possible outcome and our minds go into a painful and torturous cycle because of this. We are suffering often because of something that hasnt even happened!! its very much the trade mark of a dramatic LA. I used to do to all the time. Jonny your court analogy is great , a way of adding to this is to list the evidence you have . When my ex didnt call me i would imagine that he hated me and was trying to tell me this. ( A sign of someone who doesnt think shes good enough me thinks....) I had to sit down and write down what evidence i had for this , and what evidence did I have for against it . 9/10 times i had no tangible evidence to suggest anything of the sort. its a good one. winnie