Post by Healing Ku'uipo on Sept 28, 2011 18:13:33 GMT -8
I also have really good friend going through an awful shocking breakup with her husband and she needs to talk, but shes afraid she will upset me.
I said " I can take care of myself, You need to talk . I will be fine." It bothers me that she would supress herself like that because it might bring me down. And how many times have I done that too??? /I am responsible for my own happiness/
Post by Jacarandagirl on Sept 29, 2011 4:22:16 GMT -8
Yesterday i cancelled an appointment with my girlfriend, and we haven't seen each other for quite a while. I really wasn't up to it, and I rarely cancel appointments, my codependency tends to drive me forward even if I'm tired or whatever. My girlfriend had been looking forward to our meeting and I think she was a little bit disappointed. But she told me she understood and the said that what she likes about our friendship is that we can look after ourselves in it and we don't get upset at each other for this kind of thing. It's true. I know she cares about me but also is learning about self-care. I am in the same boat, and I care about her too. It's good to be able to travel through this together, even on our separate journeys!
"You deserve better than something that may be comfortable for you but you already know doesn't work and that you'll be complaining about soon enough and hoping that something or someone else will do what you can't even do for yourself. You deserve better - you deserve change".
Excerpt from www.baggagereclaim.com
Post by hardlyquinn on Nov 25, 2012 2:37:28 GMT -8
But..... where do you find the line between being responsible for your own happiness, and being emotionally cut off? I'm not sure I understand the difference.
I have been told in the past that I come across as aloof, even my own mother said she found it hard to be close to me, but I really do want to have intimate relationships with those who matter to me. I just don't know how to do that without losing sight of what's reasonable to expect in a close relationship.
I either get too attached and make myself vulnerable, or not attached enough and send off repelling vibes.
My relationship with PoA became disordered because he was so emotionally unavailable and I was too needy. I'm sure if he had been more available to me I would have not become like that, (and I say that without blame, I know you can't make people give more than they want or are able). His boundaries were very clear and fiercely defended, mine were not. But I felt powerless to control my emotional needs where he was concerned.
Post by LovelyJune on Nov 25, 2012 16:30:15 GMT -8
What you describe is not intimate at all. It's "emotion" and "longing." Learning to be intimate with someone begins very slowly, as friends. If you are naturally aloof, there's nothing wrong with that. You need to find someone who can balance out your aloofness. Try to imagine your best friend or a family member. With who in this world are you most yourself? Think about it. That's most likely a good indicator of what you are capable of.
You can also READ about healthy relatonships and intimacy. Here is a book list.