I have and never had any real self confidence. I always look outside for validation. My earliest memory is that i was running behind my nephew in kindergarten feeling insecure. Social gatherings are difficult and it is difficult for me to make conversations.
Having an inner child has always been a difficult to understand concept for me. Lately all of a sudden i could connect with my baby inner child and was able to accept what it was telling me. Now that part seems to be very happy. My 3 to 4 year inner child doesn't want to show its face. I can hold it touch it. But it is very hard to find words for me to talk with it. it feels ashamed and angry. I wish i could find a way to connect with that part of me. To find out what happened...
I also looked for validation from the outside -- I was not loved unconditionally by my parents -- they were not capable of doing so for many, many reasons. Long story made short -- I sought validation in all the wrong places and ended up a sex/love addict (but emphasis on the 'love' part of the addiction).
I am now in therapy and see a psychiatrist as well. I've read so many recovery and self-help books, I could fill a library. I went to a 12-Step group and I belong to two online forums (this one and another). For me, recovery is a multi-pronged approach. I could never do this alone.
In terms of reading material, one of the best books written is John Bradshaw's "Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child." "The Drama of the Gifted Child" by Alice Miller is also excellent, but very painful to read. My suggestion -- work through these books with the support of a therapist. In the meantime --
At the moment i practically do little towards recovery.
I live in a 3rd world country where there are no facilities like support groups or therapists.
I am in the process of learning and admitting to myself that i am a love addict.
When i found out i was codependent i was into a 12 step group within 1 week and reading and working on it. I was then in my own country though.
I must admit that this process goes very slow for me put also goes very deep emotionally.
Nonetheless i need and want more support.
So for this i might go back to my own country in the short term.
But it is not easy as this revelation of being a love addict declares so much of my inability to be a normal teenager and adolescent and adult.
I always thought deep down something was wrong with me that it was my destination.
Only very recently i realized that i behaved like that because of my upbringing by my parents.
I can't really say what they did do but see what they didn't do, didn't say, didn't convey. They were just not able to love. My mother has been sick as long as i know and that made me significant impact on my being My father has always been ridiculed by my mother, he was not a strong person...
I am hopefull but i am looking for a push to go completely in recovery. I am still involved with POA