Post by Susan P. on Mar 11, 2013 13:05:02 GMT -8
To one of my clients who wants to know how long withdrawal lasts....
The dependency dies slowly. It is like a plant or flower that you stop watering and then it wilts away. If this does not happen, and you turn out to be a torchbearer, the love will be transferred to the next person.
Dorothy Tennov in Love and Limerence discusses this.
There are two types of Torchbearers. Type one transfers the projection to the next person and falls out of love with the previous PoA.
Type Two moves on but loves the old and new at the same time. The love ebbs and flows from one person to the next as time moves on. The most common scenario is the married man or woman who is still infatuated and carrying a torch for his/her high school sweetheart. This may seem harmless but it can become a serious problem if it distracts the love addict from devoting himself to his current partner.
If Type 2 contacts his old flame, it can become a triangle and a serious love addiction. Rarely do Torchbears choose one over the other when it stays in their mind, but intervention can stop a budding affair.
I was on a jury once. The defendent killed his wife when she found out about his affair with his highschool sweetheart. We asked him why he did not just choose one over the other. He broke down in tears, and said he could not choose and it was driving him crazy. At the time, it seemed like the only way out. This is love addiction. I tell this story when I am trying to explain the difference between love and addiction.
Only time will tell how long withdrawal lasts. Be very careful not to force transferring the feelings to another inappropriate person like your last PoA. Just nurse the pain until the right person comes along. Do not choose someone without the support of those who know you and your past mistakes. There is a lot information on this site about educating yourself before moving on. The best book to help you is A Fine Romance by Judith Sills.
In summary, we all want to know how long the pain lasts whether we are talking about withdrawal or surgery, but it is an unknown factor. We just have to go with the flow and reach out for comfort. My comfort comes from my faith which for me has always lessened the time I suffer regarding painful emotions.