It was my birthday recently... and thoughts about my POA were running high and I gave into them checking his FB, trying to figure out whats going on in his life. "is he happy? and does it even matter?" I know if i look back on him it just brings me down, and not present in my life. (So this is day 2 on not checking up on him, or entertaining addictive behaviors that indulge in him.) Recently, I started to have an infatuation towards my friend that i've labeled it as a crush, in the last few month. But now to my horror Im realizing he's slowly been replacing my POA! My situation is i sent a passive aggressive text to my friend, for not showing up to my birthday party i invited him to and another text of anger for not wishing me a happy birthday. Another friend of mine, who did show up, is annoyed that I have been over thanking him for showing up. And finally a third friend has stated this type of behavior is creeping these two male friends of mine and her. I can see I have been trying to over please, and validate my self with these two male friends. I feel guilty and shame. The word creepy, just stirs all this similar behaviors from past experiences. Its not a new theme for me. And its hard to take in. I can see their point of views, and i can see that I've been neglecting my own validation
Thank you for responding so quickly. At first, I thought these people did not have my best intrests, so I've been feeling extremely hurt. Then I felt deep shame, because I would do this exact behavior with my ex and even as far back as I can remember in grade school when I had a crush on any boy. I would persue them and chase them but they would feel uncomfortable and call me creepy. And maybe perhaps these friendships are not exactly great, some times these people cut me down critism or back handed compliments, so maybe they can't give me what's best. But that word "creepy" makes me feel so unworthy and unlovable. Its a huge trigger. Okay, I recognize this is pattern or theme in my life... So, now I'm feeling anxious because I do work with them, that's how we became friends. But maybe they are just work friends... at best. And I'm very anxious this morning because I'd like to fix and smooth things over with all of these people because I will see them today, because well I work with them. And Im trying so hard to do damage control to get these people to like me again... but reading back some of these statements I'm realizing, while i respect their opinions it doesn't define my self worth of love. And some their actions haven't been great, so I'm deeply dissapointed and holding myself with that dissapointment with a kindness to my self is hard.
So... since writing the first posts Ive been reading a lot of the literature online. Setting time aside to journal. I've called the SLAA meetings on the phone. And I'd like to know how to go about the day that doesn't devalue my pain, but doesn't show up as passive aggressive or aggressive for letting me down?
Post by Healing Ku'uipo on Mar 19, 2013 9:07:38 GMT -8
I wouldn't like a friend calling me Creepy or my behavior creepy. I could take, obsessive, out of control and crazy( which I have been all 3)... Try to let it go and move on.
I find catch phrases that Trigger me, especially early on in recovery. " He's just not that into you" Sets me off every time. Its to broad and generic and for me it gives him the power without self analysis/self focus...
Keep up the good work. And find your own ways to define what you have been doing.
Post by LovelyJune on Mar 19, 2013 12:25:45 GMT -8
When you feel as though someone does not have your best interest, there's no need to confront. MOve on. Find others who do have your best interest. If someone doesn't like you, then they are free to not like you. You need to focus on more important things, like getting healthy, liking yourself, learning who you are, and enjoying people who do like you.
Post by fluttershy on Mar 22, 2013 22:49:39 GMT -8
i still think about these words...Im doing my best not to confront this guy about him thinking I'm being "creepy"... but i want sooooooooooo badly to fix it. I want to change his opinion about me! And I realize this is an issue about control. I know I cannot control him. I can't... when I say this though, I feel a pain inside me. It is an intense trigger word for me.
Post by Loving My Life on Mar 24, 2013 6:42:06 GMT -8
You do not have to prove yourself to anyone.....he sounds like an adult bully. Just tell yourself you are not creepy, you are a child of God, and you are not a mistake. Forget this loser, he is not going to owe up to this, he is not capable.
I know it hurts, but believe you are not creepy....go look in the mirror and start at the top of your head, and tell yourself how much you love yourself, and find all of the beautiful things you see in the mirror. and do this everyday, and more than once a day, and hug yourself, and tell yourself how much you love you.
One day at a time :-) :-). . .We can do together, what we could never do alone. :-) And a problem shared, is a problem cut in half. :-) :-)
saying that you are creepy is a tool to control you. This is a technique many narcissists use they would put you in a position to prove yourself. You will keep trying not realizing that this is a perpetual job, that proving to them something is impossible, because their goal is not to be convinced. The only thing it will cause your further emotional destruction. In my view only creepy people can insult others like this.
So... an update. After being called creepy I had an honest, direct conversation with my girl friend about being "creepy" and... it really was the most scary conversation for me. But since then me and her have been closer and better. In regards to my two male friends... well... the one who i've defined as a crush and single, we talked and he pretty much brushed it off. It looks like we're back to friends... but it isn't easy. I've known him for 3 years, and now I decide to like him? And I asked myself "What do I like about him?" his confidence, his personality, his ability to be patient while tutoring, his ability give people respect and knows when to stop teasing. But I get very jealous when he gives another female advice, flirts and well... pays more attention to them... and not me. I also feel that in the beginning of our friendship, all I talked about was my POF, and he would be an ear for comfort and support. I can see emotionally I'm more attached to that... And I wish I could stop and be my emotional support, like the way this male friend has been. But I feel ... well crushed.
My other male friend, who made the comment directly about me, is another emotional attachment, that has me feeling also disappointed. He is married, and has never been an option for me. But when he said that i was being, "creepy" i felt really dumbfounded. So, after two weeks of avoiding each other I asked him if he had a problem with me. He said that he has questioned our boundaries and he thinks that I like him more. Then he gave me this humiliating speech about him being "happily married" and that if has given any false pretenses or flirting that he didn't mean to. I told him, that I found this insulting, and that he has read me wrong. I also wanted to tell him to get off his high horse or pretentiousness! But I didn't... Well, after that conversation, he's still avoiding me... and I'm angry at him for his assumption, but I also miss our closeness... But again if I look at the situation honestly, its the emotional venting about my POA. This male guy also has shared with me that he had an on again off again girlfriend that was brutal for him to get over, which all in all he could empathize. And at the beginning of when I first met this guy, i found him to be a pretentious know it all snob. It was a year later when i had a breakdown about POA and was crying in public, and he happened to be there, that he started to be nice to me and thats when we actually then became friends. We then started to study together, but at times I felt he was coming off flirtatious... and it was uncomfortable because he is married. And now he accuses me that I like him. I admit emotionally I depended a lot on him... but I'm starting to think maybe he's the one with the crush on me, and is accusing me of his misplaced feelings. Still, whatever it is... I'm sad that there's this distance and tension between us. however, maybe emotionally/intimately it has to be checked... and again, the theme is the attention these two male friends have given me in regards to my POA who isn't around.