I am open to looking for a new job. I do not like being around her, and my days are much better when I never see her. I do not yearn for her attention when I am not around her. I have gotten some direction to stay put though, and for now that is what I am going to do. I have a history of unrequited love with co-workers, and I know if I don't work on some things here, I will just do this again at the new job. Thanks for the suggestion.
I had the real pleasure of talking to two male love addicts(well, i wont diagnose them, but they have the same symptoms as me) this weekend. It was so good for me to hear their stories, and relate them to mine. I asked for new teachers and got them. ------------------------
The link to the LA message board is broken from this page..
For anyone in the Phoenix, AZ area. I started a meetup for love addicts in this area hoping to get a face to face meeting started or at least a group step study, workshop, whatever. I just want to get as many love addicts around me as possible right now. Anyone is welcome to join this meetup.
Hope it is ok to post this here. If not I will immediately remove this post.
Ugh, I did not sleep well last night. Dreamt about her, then woke up at 330 in the morning didn't get back to sleep until 630. Withdrawal caused it, and now tiredness is making withdrawal at work harder.
Prayed with my sponsor this morning though. That was good. I got my headphones on and doing my best to mind my own business and be productive. Happy Monday!
personal triumph. I actually said no to her offer to go to lunch!!! Yay! It was so hard. It did not feel right at all. But I know what guilt and turbulence saying yes would have gotten me. I got me some integrity today
I actually haven't felt this un-encumbered in weeks. It's a nice day outside here in phoenix. Like 78 degrees. I am so grateful for this peace I have right now. I am not even going to question it. A lot of the emotions and anger and despair has lifted. Weird...
I want to continue writing here at least everyday, and even if I am not doing well.
Today was difficult. Surprise! Withdrawal and indecision about whether to stay at this job, and try to recover while in her presence or start looking around for another job. My sponsor suggested that i go for a short walk at least two times a day and say a prayer for peace and serenity at work. I followed his direction. It seemed to help. But my head is really really upside down right now, and I have had little control of my emotions and anger. I am at a loss today. I dont know what to do with myself, I have lost some sleep and felt like I drank a fifth of bourbon last night. I dont drink at all.
I am probably over-estimating my ability to remain at this company. I really feel backed against a corner right now. I just turned 49 and having serious self doubt about my abilities to do this kind of work. I work in a young peoples field(web development) and really my problem is, an inability to see past this problem.
I have to try and be grateful for this time in my life. Lately when I feel better, I tend to stop trying to get better. It's only when I am in pain that I am motivated to find a solution. Awful way to live.
Post by loveanimals on Apr 17, 2013 19:44:30 GMT -8
That's very tough, I can relate working in a young person's environment so I try to make myself look and act as young as possible, while also showing that I've been at the company a long time because I value that! Contradiction!
I can't imagine working with a POA though. That must be very challenging.
I deactivated my facebook account tonight. I got no business on it. I caused myself a huge undo amount of pain tonight by going on there and looking at her profile. She was at a wedding this weekend, a co-workers wedding. I wasn't invited. A lot of other co-workers were. She was there drinking and having a blast with all her friends. Viewing it caused an avalanche of jealousy, self-hatred, self-pity, and an indescribable amount of physical pain. Why, why would I do that to myself. What am I thinking? I knew what i would see. I think I even knew how I would feel when I saw it. Pure self hatred. I really must not think very much of myself. She is nothing but a source of pain to me. Anyway, now I have to sleep with it. If I can even get to sleep.
It's been another difficult weekend anyway. Not because of her. My sponsor and I got very angry at each other and didn't talk most of the weekend.
I really, really need some peace in my life. I don't want to be at this d**ned job anymore. And see her f'ing face every day. I feel like such an outsider there. I know it may sound selfish. I don't know, I just don't know. I can't do that again. d**n I am so powerless.
She wants nothing to do with me. Why can't I just get that through my head, and why does it even matter...I wish I could cuss right now. grrrrrrrrrrr!!
I really feel for you. Facebook is terrible when you have access to a POA on it. I know, I have done the exact same thing. I will look them up, look at their friends, recent friends, try to see if they are women and look at their pics to see if he is in them. It is a form of self torture. You need to love yourself and be kind to yourself. Do not go on FB. Read some of the threads on here about withdrawl and thought stopping. YOU DESERVE BETTER. Start telling yourself that. I know about the feelings of jealousy and feeling like no one likes you. You project how you feel about yourself on others. Start liking you. Do nice things for you. Do not do things that will hurt you. I would suggest looking for a new job. A fresh start wouldn't hurt but, remember, if you don't change this will happen again whereever you go. Stay strong, we are all in the same boat. Lots of positive thoughts your way! Mrockmiss
Post by loveanimals on Apr 22, 2013 7:23:18 GMT -8
Yes kelleyboy even the process of looking for a new job will give you something to occupy your mind and keep you focused on that there is a way out of this situation.
You're in the same field I'm in, there is a lot of hiring even in this economy so I'm sure you can find something else. Don't worry about age, I shave years off of my resume and do a lot of things to look younger like anti-aging skin creme, color hair, etc. because this industry has major age discrimination. Even my uncle gets work in this economy and he's 25 years older than me! Yet he posts on Facebook that he's active and puts up photos of bike rides, road races, etc. there are ways that you can put up an illusion to make yourself more marketable to new employers.
If we're good at making ourselves look attractive for the opposite sex, then put that to good use to make yourself more marketable! Then that will also keep your focus off of love addiction.
Not sure if it will help Kelleyboy, but take a look at "THE WORK " of Byron Katie, Google her website, ,helps me a lot when I am stuck and have many unanswered questions and don't know where to turn Also, print the serenity prayer , and repeat it daily when you feel confused ,angry, hurt etc. say it 100 times a day if you have to, slowly it will sink into your subconcious mind, and slowly your life will change before you even know it.
Thanks, These all sound like good suggestions. Yesterday was really hard. Hope today goes better. I'm just feeling really deflated, lonely and unsure. This morning I saw that a company my friend works for is hiring. I am going to talk to my sponsor about it, then possibly check into it. Withdrawal is a b*tch.
Last Edit: Apr 23, 2013 6:10:47 GMT -8 by kelleyboy
On some level, I am aware that most of my postings, at least the ones that indicate that I am in pain...are just that, expressions of personal pain. It's like screaming in pain. And this is what comes out. I don't know where else to turn. This board really is the only place where I am understood. I have to sit in it. It is difficult to rely on this board for relief and comfort sometimes. I really wish there was this giant laa meeting here in my city. One I could go to everyday. One where I could go and tell every fear, and be accepted, and shout how angry I am and not feel so alone with this. Sometimes I really feel like the only person in the world with this issue. bluh. sorry, this is so negative.
When I was a boy, I had a distant cousin come visit other family members. She was a teenager, and it was the first time I had met her. I recall her showering me with affection, but I could be projecting that. Maybe she was just beng very nice to me. She stayed for a week, then she was gone. I never saw her again. It devastated me. It was the start of all the fear I had about women, love relationships, etc. My whole life has been affected by that one experience, and yet it had to start somewhere. Today, she/they are still my higher power.
I am going to an alanon retreat this weekend to do step work on this.
She's been gone all week, and just returned today. Absolute torture. What is it that I need to experience to get me past this? What do I need to do? My sponsor told me the other day that I am at step one. I cant imagine life with or without her. i just know, when I am not around her. I am 90% ok. and when I am around her, it's reversed. I have a therapist that tells me to stay and work on this while I am in it. I have others telling me to go n/c and get another job. All I know is at this very moment, I am in shear hell. I can do things to help myself with it. And who knows, I probably wouldn't take a close look at this If it wasn't staring me in the face. But really, what the "f" does it take to just surrender and hit a d**n bottom with this? What?!? I need a male LA sponsor who can help me with this. Someone who knows what I am going through and answer some questions...
This is withdrawal. We used to go to lunch almost everyday. And now we dont. We used to talk everyday, and were enmeshed, and now we are not doing those things. When she is here and I don't have unlimited access to her, it's like having a pile of cocaine in front of me, and actively not snorting it.
When she isn't around, I dont think about her much, or the pain is minor. Mostly just some obsession, and no real emotional upheaval. It's the same thing that happened when I made up my mind to quite drinking, or cigarettes. I was just aware that something was missing. I would usually substitute the absence with something else. Food... It's usually food. Or TV, or "S" related addictions. My whole life is about addiction in some way. Always substituting this for that. LA is the most excruciating of all withdrawals. It's helping to write this stuff down. I have managed to stay with myself so far today,and it seems the pain is subsiding. God it has a mind of its own.
Deep down, I know I am not able to stay with the motive that I am staying on my side of the street because I need to, for my well-being. It jumps back to hope that she will chase me down. I guess at this point it doesn't matter, as long as I keep staying on my side, no matter what. And I have done that, as excruciating as it is.
There is no relationship with this woman... There never was. Just me abandoning myself.
Post by Loving My Life on May 1, 2013 14:16:40 GMT -8
Yes the withdrawal process is painful, and it takes a lot out of us, but we have to keep moving forward no matter what. As we become more aware of our actions, and we become conscious of everything we do, it does get tiring after a while, but I can tell you this, is it so worth it when you get some relief.
I have been at this for almost 2 years and we have to stay in our recovery 24/7 at first. But the rewards when we get too the other side is so worth it.
And we don't have to be perfect, as long as we are making progress, we are still recovering. I did not get it perfect, I learn the hard way by trial and error. But the pain was just not worth it anymore.
So keep coming back and this will happen for you as well.
One day at a time :-) :-). . .We can do together, what we could never do alone. :-) And a problem shared, is a problem cut in half. :-) :-)
Post by loveanimals on May 1, 2013 21:51:48 GMT -8
I'm right there with you in withdrawal and it IS exhausting. I just want to sleep all of the time, especially after months of no sleep on that manic high from my addiction. I just know I won't feel this sleepy and depressed forever.