The most unnerving part is, how unpredictable withdrawal is. You never know what is going to trigger a huge upheaval. So in some ways you have no control over your day. Speaking for myself of course. The last three days have obviously been difficult. I have stayed with myself through it though. Or rather, I have not acted out.
Tomorrow, I am going to a 3 day alanon retreat in flagstaff, az. My sponsor's sponsor is putting it on, This is the 9th annual? Anyway, I am so excited. I will be doing a lot of step-work. thanks loveanimals, and LML for responding. I dont feel so alone this morning.
LoveAnimals, I am no stranger to depression. "Sitting with the feelings" is a prefect description of it. It seems that is exactly what is required...to be with myself. it's the last thing I want to do! And it even seems that this pain is the result of finally not abandoning myself.
Anyway, i hope the depression lifts for you, or at least is not a constant thing. I know we cant expect it to go away all at once, but at least it isn't always at level 10!
Yesterday felt awful. Shear pain. I spent lunch crying at a park nearby. This morning I started to cry again after getting out of the shower. Very aware of my powerlessness. I feel backed in a corner with no way out. I feel that right now. A LOT of depression. Desperately want to act out. I can't though. I can't.
Yes, it has been my experience that I am not in withdrawal 24/7. Today seems even. I feel like I have more energy, and less obsession. It is strange how each day is different. Hard to depend on my own emotional stability. I just need to be grateful for the peace today. I am abstinent/sober today. I have stayed with myself for over a month now. It hasn't been perfect. I am doing the best I can.
I am willing to change jobs, and praying about it.
Thanks both of you for your responses. I need this board.
I'm not sure if you've heard me say this before, but what we ingest has a HUGE impact on our moods. I know I am hugely susceptible to mood swings if I have ANY of the following: alcohol, caffeine (or lack of), sugar, chocolate, medicine (even Advil). Mood swings can be worse if there's a combo of those things. My moods can swing out of seemingly no where. And it's worse if I am depressed or worried or not "right" with myself. Don't sell yourself short and think your moods are only about a PoA. Make sure you exercise and eat well. I know, I know. That's a boring issue--food, diet and exercise. But don't overlook its impact!
Last Edit: May 23, 2013 9:22:43 GMT -8 by LovelyJune
I think I have heard you mention it. And now that I think of it, it makes perfect sense. It has been a struggle not to replace addictions. I even let a couple candy bars in a few days ago. I also drink caffeine which I have not even been close to willing to give up. I am becoming aware at how these escapes/addictions co-mingle effortlessly sometimes, which makes for a lot of fogginess around pin-pointing causes. I just can't imagine giving everything up at once.
Food, diet and exercise is not a boring issue. It's one that is staring me right in the middle-aged face.
Nah! It's no fun quitting these things at once. Or quitting them altogether! It does not have to be so black and white. But what you can do, for example, is cut these things out of out your diet for a week or two as an "experiment." At first you'll withdrawal and feel a bit miserable, but then you'll notice your moods leveling out. When that happens, re-introduce stuff little by little. And if you have a coffee every morning, try avoiding sugar. If you have two coffees, try cutting back to one.
My one thing that I simply will not give up is my coffee in the morning. Everything else I'll play with. SOmetimes I have a huge piece of cake. WHen that happens, I know to stay away from it for a couple days until my mood is back to normal. Or I'll go to Starbuck's in the afternoon a few days in a row but then have to back off again. And if I have extra sugar in a day, I know to stay away from alcohol.
It sounds a bit like I am micromanaging my diet, but what I'm really doing is regulating my moods!
Last Edit: May 24, 2013 2:46:34 GMT -8 by LovelyJune