Post by Butterflygirl on Jul 22, 2013 12:49:56 GMT -8
I am trying to brand the term Ambivalent Love Addict, so use it as much as you can. I have not yet met anyone who was not both a love addict and love avoidant depending on the situation.
Sometimes ambivalence is there all along. Other times (as in my case)it only become apparent in recovery.
Ask yourself if you have a history of loving the wrong guy and being bored by nice guys?
Robin Norwood and I both discuss this. See her chapter in Women Who Love Too Much, on "The Boring Nice Man Syndrom," and my chapter on the "underlying fear of intimacy," in Addiction to Love.
The idea of ambivalence has been here all along. We are just now getting around to recognize it. Pia Mellody talked about the love addict and the avoidant addict as two separate people. We know better now.
For more about the ALA check out my new book . . .
I found this article on the internet. I think it is from my book.
"You deserve better than something that may be comfortable for you but you already know doesn't work and that you'll be complaining about soon enough and hoping that something or someone else will do what you can't even do for yourself. You deserve better - you deserve change".
Excerpt from www.baggagereclaim.com
Post by Loving My Life on Jul 23, 2013 14:09:54 GMT -8
I am also Ambivalent, I have a nice guy that I have been with for years, but I want the bad boy because it is more exciting. I am bored with the normal. And there is not a whole lot going on here, it is too routine. And I do get bored easy, this is why I have changed jobs so much as well, it is just not challenging any longer.
One day at a time :-) :-). . .We can do together, what we could never do alone. :-) And a problem shared, is a problem cut in half. :-) :-)
I was also ambivalent before when I was not sure what I wanted. However, now that I have clear set of standard/values and list of red flags, I became single-minded and single-hearted. Very loyal and truthful with people. And it feels great.
Your recovery is worth the pain of your withdrawal. Remember that "the pain you feel today will be the strength you feel tomorrow." Fantasy-based relationship is a lie. Face your reality and stay well!Kind Regards to all LAA members here, - Codepnomore
Post by abetterlife on May 31, 2015 18:50:33 GMT -8
My pattern in relationships has been pretty consistent. Instant attraction, extreme high and intensity, I bring excitement while the other person goes for the ride. It then settles, I find highs or escape outside the relationship while my avoidant partner does the same. Then he leaves. I am crushed. End of the world. Interestingly, in between relationships I would jump to someone to "fill in the blank" until I could find that next "perfect" relationship. And that intermittent person was always someone who was very loving, low self esteem, and all about pleasing me. I kept them hostage until my addict found the next emotionally unavailable partner. Then abandoned them for this new relationship.
It is like I became a love avoidant until the next addictive relationship! As hard as it is to say, I used them. Knew I was doing wrong but continued. It was so automatic, before recovery I didn't even know I was doing it over and over again. This is just a recent realization of mine, after reading up on ambivalent love addict.
To realize this and take responsibility is incomfortable since I'm so used to playing victim. But it's relationship inventory, and humility is something I'm working on. It leads me to the question, could I be an ambivalent love addict, and why would we want to hurt another person the same way we get abandoned?
Post by jeanorgirl53 on Jun 11, 2015 13:57:10 GMT -8
I just ordered the workbook. After reading the definition of ALA I am certain it is what I am battling. Not a very comforting realization either. Knowing that I sabotage relationships which in turn causes others to pull back and avoid me WHICH begins the obsession on my part to "win them back" is pretty disheartening. What a vicious cycle.... I look forward to being in recovery from this affliction.
Post by dreamharder on Jan 11, 2017 4:00:29 GMT -8
The term ambivalent love addict fits me perfectly. I have recognized ambivalence in all my relationships for a long time but only recently woken up to how it relates to my love addict behaviour. I have managed to sabotage every relationship I have been in often only fully wanting them when they are no longer available to me. I'm compelled by the fight but repelled by comfort and stability. Since the end of my marriage 15 years ago I have gone through this cycle in a major way three times and many other minor times with short relationships. The most recent time was the most damaging and resulted in an extremely painful split for both of us. Some of the acting out was different but the basic pattern was identical to before. I suspect my ex was also a love addict though she would heartily deny this despite strong evidence to the contrary.
Here is how it played out: It began very quickly with compulsive attention. Me behaving like the ultimate communicative partner, floods of letters, texts, notes, phone calls. Me being very open and sharing my many stories good and bad. She reciprocated in kind. It felt wonderful for both of us. After 6 months I was caught communicating online with a couple regarding arranging a threesome. There hadn't been any meeting and I had actually shut it down and pulled away long before my communication was discovered. On this occasion we managed to talk it through. I told her how committed I was to her and this was just me acting out, out of boredom when I was traveling with work. Obviously not a good thing but she understood and trusted it was a slip back into old behaviour that I was working hard to change. A year later I had started to pull back and retreat. I found it increasing hard to muster the desire to write or communicate. She began to chase me and over compensate for my relative absence which made me retreat further. This was when I began to look outside of the relationship for attention and excitement. I began connecting with people online regarding several different sexual situations/fantasies. It was compelling and thrilling in the moment. I felt alive again. Didn't follow through though. Each time I reached out to make a connection pulling back before following through with contact. After I felt hideous. I knew I had betrayed her trust even though there had been no physical contact. I was also disgusted at myself for being so week and needy for searching out such inappropriate attention. Here began a vicious cycle... I felt like nuts, so I acted out online briefly feeling good and alive, then after feeling even more like a worthless nuts. For a year we muddled through, her having a sense there was stuff going on, me trying to control it and get back to where we had been at the beginning. All the time she had been spying on me, going into my phone, checking my mail, checking my pictures, browsing history and trash folders. She didn't at any time let me know what she had seen or knew. She was hoping I would self regulate but I didn't I kept acting out in more extreme ways. It was a highly dysfunctional dance which ended up with me depressed and distant her invasive and trying to fix me. When all my behaviour eventually came out, she had a whole folder of evidence as to why we didn't work saved up. It was a quick and decisive execution.
I felt almost immediately that there was actually hope in the huge mess that it seemed I had created. I felt in our own ways we had perpetuated our myths that supported our avoidant behaviour. I had proved with my inappropriate flirtations that all women will leave and abandon me eventually. She had proved with her spying and invasion that all men will ultimately let her down.
I felt there was an opportunity for us both to heal these pieces now that we had revealed ourselves to each other. She was more concerned what other people thought acting on the advice of friends to understandably end our relationship.
This is where everything turned upside down.... It was only a matter of weeks later that I discovered she was in a new relationship. We had both begun dating other people but neither of us felt it was working and we remained in contact. Communication suddenly became much less responsive from her. She denied at first that anything had changed but eventually she told me she was in a new relationship.
I was already committed to working on myself with a view to hopefully reunite at some point but when I found out about her new relationship my desire for repair increased exponentially. The bottom also fell out of my world. I became suicidal, despairing, hopeless. I thought about her constantly, began again to write endless long and emotional letters telling her how I believed we could mend things between us.
I knew how deeply I had hurt her but I wanted nothing more than the chance to put it right. There was nothing I could do though. If only I could have found the energy to share a fraction of what I was sharing now while we were together and we would have been fine. At the time though I couldn't. Now that she wasn't available to me nothing came easier.
So now I'm at the end of a year chasing an unavailable woman. I have put myself through hell and probably further hurt her too. It's not all me though as every time I ask for no contact a month goes by and then she texts or E mails me. When I respond often gushingly she vanishes again and I'm re-traumatized. The scab gets ripped off just as I'm beginning to heal. I have tried to have new relationships myself but I can't hide the fact that I'm still obsessively infatuated with my ex. so they don't last.
This is the situation that lead me to joining a LAA group. My obsession with trying to repair a totally broken relationship with an unavailable woman had put me in a situation where I was continually suicidal. I needed to break the cycle and do something different. I have to say that it has been a revelation to read other peoples stories and see that I'm not alone in my dysfunction. Also to connect with people who are in recovery has shown me that there is hope and there is a potential positive outcome to this.
Thanks to all of you that have chosen to share your stories and embark on this journey of healing.
I’m an Ambivalent Love Addict. Ever since my teens, I have yearned for unavailable men and felt smothered by good, available men who treated me well. I’m 55 years old - I pray it’s not too late to turn things around.
lostkate, it is NEVER too late to recover and "turn things around" -- I promise. My journey of recovery (still ongoing!) was long and arduous -- and worth every minute.
The fog of addiction has lifted, and life has, indeed, turned around for the better. It is not without its struggles, but with therapy (ongoing), this forum and guidance from HP, I am living a life of truth and grace. Amen.
EVERYTHING havefaith wrote. Would you rather be 75 years old and stuck where you were when you were 30 years old? Or do you want to CHANGE things now at 55 and live a better life with the time you have remaining? You know the answer to that.