Post by Jacarandagirl on May 18, 2014 11:23:59 GMT -8
Yes, there are two of us here who sponsor at the moment. Loving My Life and myself. Always looking for more people who have worked the steps who would like to sponsor too.
From Susan . . . unfortunately for us, Loving My Life has left us. I pray for her return. She contributed so much, but she was sensitive and felt the board was draining her. Codependents are often "empathetic." They feel the pain of others. Recovery for codependents is "sympathy." (Compassion with boundaries.)
"You deserve better than something that may be comfortable for you but you already know doesn't work and that you'll be complaining about soon enough and hoping that something or someone else will do what you can't even do for yourself. You deserve better - you deserve change".
Excerpt from www.baggagereclaim.com
Post by markybee57 on Sept 16, 2014 4:35:39 GMT -8
I need help. A psychologist i was seeing years ago told me i was a sex and love addict but i kinda laughed it off bc i was having fun. But it was never as apparent as it is now, especially with my last two relationships. The former was a girl i was dating for only two months and when she broke up with me all hell broke loose. It took me 10 MONTHS to finally feel normal. Now this second one i was and still am madly in love with and we only had TWO DATES!! I was in total misery the last two months but God has eased the pain and someof the oobsession. I have to do something about this. When i heard she mightbe dating someone i almost lost my mind. HELP!!!!!!!
This supportive community can help you. And just by reading and sharing, you will learn a lot from here.
Your story is not new to us; we have been there and done that too. So there is hope for you.
What are your recovery goals and action plan?
Your recovery is worth the pain of your withdrawal. Remember that "the pain you feel today will be the strength you feel tomorrow." Fantasy-based relationship is a lie. Face your reality and stay well!Kind Regards to all LAA members here, - Codepnomore
Welcome. Please read as much as you can on the subject of love addiction. I'm sure at this point you want a quick fix, but there are none. Perhaps the one thing you can do NOW is to train your brain to start thinking about who you are differently, and to know this: the heighten emotions you feel for this person after the second date are not exactly love. That is to say you are probably not "madly in love," but rather, you are madly in "need." There's a big difference. A healthy person can fall in love with someone just like an unhealthy person--rapidly, deeply. But a healthy person will always PULL BACK and reassess the relationship with a logical brain at some point. A love addict will not do this. A love addict may analyze the heck out of a love interest, but they will not take any action to leave if action is required. A healthy person will fall in love, but if red flags are detected, they may start to withdrawal or question the "safety" or validity of the relationship. They might ask, "Does this relationship match up with my own set of personal values?" A love addict won't. Full speed ahead is what a love addict will do. Lastly, if a healthy person "falls in love" by the second date (and it can happen!), if their love interest leaves or pulls away a healthy person will recover quickly. They may be sad, but more than anything, they will feel disappointment that what "could be" didn't happen. But they will quickly go back to what they were doing as if they were only temporarily distracted. A love addict will not respond this way at all. They will respond, much like you, as if their lifeline has just been cut off.
The difference between a healthy person and a love addict is that one is able to operate on two levels: a rational one and an emotional one, whereas the other can only operate on an emotional level. Guess who's who???
That being said, love addiction recovery helps love addicts put things in perspective, gain self-esteem and start to look at the world more rationally, as opposed to emotionally. And sometimes, looking at something rationally means facing the very real fact that you are not exactly feeling love after two dates, but rather, you're feeling your sense of neediness for a partner to fill a void. Love to a love addict, after all, is never really about love. It's about how to fill a void, and how to distract oneself from his or her responsibilities and the act of growing up.
Last Edit: Oct 10, 2014 2:42:47 GMT -8 by LovelyJune
"Fully functioning people are not interested in doing things better than everyone else; they look inward for their life goals....Look inward rather than at how you measure up to the other guy" - Pulling Your Own Strings by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer.
Thanks for this webpage as it can be so useful for many of us. First of all, sorry for the mistakes as I am not English talker. I think I am a love addict and my ex was avoident. I have felt needy when other relationships end but it never happened to me with an avoidant although I hace met others unavailable partners.
I am so dissapointed of myself because 4 years ago I worked in order to do not fall in love with another typical "bad boy" as before, so I went to the extreme opposite looking for someone better even if he was not so fun and active person as I used to like. I got even worse than other times as I felt much more pain and harm because we were about to marry. I feel that I hace failed again and that this will happen again and again, even if I am careful. I would like to recover and enjoy a healthy relationship.
Post by denverdignity on Mar 23, 2016 7:59:37 GMT -8
If our poas really loves us, we would not be asking all of these questions, if he was healthy, we would not be asking all of these questions.
Love this quote it stopped me in my tracks and really hit me..my mind has been playing tricks on me, living in fantasy for a POA I cannot and will never "have"..why do I allow my brain to wander into fantasy and hope, why do I feel if this happened my dreams will come true, why do I believe god or the universe will "give" me this persons love because I want it? Why do I want what I cannot have so badly? The quote above is what I will turn to when fantasy takes over my brain and makes me somehow believe in my warped mind he loves me deep down and he will catch up with my love.
I am not sure how to work this process but doing my best and I thought taking my inventory from this list of 40 was a good place to go at this point. 1. You are very needy when it comes to relationships.- I try to act tough and independent but inside any validation I get I lap it up and repeat it to myself over and over and over obsessively n without that validation I feel like I am worthless and a nothing and I can become depressed and feel suicidal quite quickly.
2. You fall in love very easily and too quickly.- Every time, every relationship, was a whirlwind romance and I was deeply in love with my fantasy of him very, very quickly and justifying any bad behavior to keep him on that pedestal and keep me in love.
3. When you fall in love, you can’t stop fantasizing—even to do important things. You can’t help yourself.- yup, as stated in last statement.
4. Sometimes, when you are lonely and looking for companionship, you lower your standards and settle for less than you want or deserve.- same as above. totally inappropriate partners who are dysfunctional, as I now see I am, and who will take advantage of me, and who are definitely not my equal.
5. When you are in a relationship, you tend to smother your partner.- I did do this when I was younger, I have learned in my people pleasing ways to not do this, most of the time, until the neediness builds up and I explode with needs.
6. More than once, you have gotten involved with someone who is unable to commit—hoping he or she will change.- lots of those, until it became too painful then it was committing myself to whomever would commit to me, even if they weren't someone I knew I would be happy with or who would meet my needs, who cares, they want to give me love and I need it so desperately I will take it.
7. Once you have bonded with someone, you can’t let go.-I honestly don't think I have ever gotten over any lover I have ever had or not had. any rejection in my life circles around and around in my brain. My loses haunt me.
8. When you are attracted to someone, you will ignore all the warning signs that this person is not good for you. - yup....in over my head far too fast and then I cannot let anything keep me from the chance to fulfill my dream that someone will finally love me and stand by me forever. never reject or abandon me.
9 Initial attraction is more important to you than anything else when it comes to falling in love and choosing a partner. Falling in love over time does not appeal to you and is not an option.- I never feel I have time. I am always afraid of it falling apart or me ending up alone so I must make it come together quickly and get us both in over our heads. The pain of this has to stop, at this point I have to stop, I need to stop, not sure I trust myself to do this but I am trying to connect with this forum and coda group and get my head on straight, please god, angels, anyone out there, help me stop and get my head on straight and be able to reject inappropriate people who want me and not get into something with someone soon, please!!!
10. When you are in love, you trust people who are not trustworthy. The rest of the time you have a hard time trusting people.- I know people, like my parents, will let me down, but yes, like a 5yr old I hope and pray this stranger will be the one person worth my trust, even with my time waited to build it and making myself far too vulnerable.
11. When a relationship ends, you feel your life is over and more than once you have thought about suicide because of a failed relationship.- I have some seriously low lows. Especially after my last engagement ended this Christmas. Cant stop thinking about suicide and wishing the pain would end. I wont leave my daughter here without me, I brought her here and I feel I need to be here to see her through this life, but my lows are low, I feel gutted quite frequently these days.
12. You take on more than your share of responsibility for the survival of a relationship.- I did it all alone in my last relationship while he got a free ride, with parenting, finances, household stuff, it was truly a joke how much I let him use me.
13. Love and relationships are the only things that interest you.- yup, evn became a therapist. i am excellent at understanding other people, enough to take on their feelings, needs, life, and have none of my own. perfect rescuer. all my time is nurturing others and talking about relationships, at work and at home.
14. In some of your relationships you were the only one in love.- yup, while the other person was indifferent even.
15. You are overwhelmed with loneliness when you are not in love or in a relationship.- yup, i feel fear of being alone and death every night when i go to sleep.
16. You cannot stand being alone. You do not enjoy your own company.- i like time alone now more, as i get older, relationships are truly exhausting but i eat myself alive with criticism when i am alone.
17. More than once, you have gotten involved with the wrong person to avoid being lonely.- yup, as discussed above.
18 You are terrified of never finding someone to love.- terrified!!!!! time is a wasting and i will die alone...yup...so scared without a man to love me it feels like my life will mean nothing.
19 You feel inadequate if you are not in a relationship.- yup, as above
20 You cannot say no when you are in love or if your partner threatens to leave you.- yup
21. You try very hard to be who your partner wants you to be. You will do anything to please him or her—even abandon yourself (sacrifice what you want, need and value).-yup, this is truly sobering and sad for me to read.
22. When you are in love, you only see what you want to see. You distort reality to quell anxiety and feed your fantasies.- i am incredible at justifying and explaining away the worst behavior.
23. You have a high tolerance for suffering in relationships. You are willing to suffer neglect, depression, loneliness, dishonesty—even abuse—to avoid the pain of separation anxiety (what you feel when you are not with someone you have bonded with).- yup
24. More than once, you have carried a torch for someone and it was agonizing.- yup
25. You love romance. You have had more than one romantic interest at a time even when it involved dishonesty.- YAY...ONE NO...I HAVE NEVER EVER CHEATED ON SOMEONE,I AM EXTREMELY LOYAL, TO A FAULT
26. You have stayed with an abusive person.- NOT PHYSICAL...but emotional, but I do have a line, thank god. after seeing my mom talked down to by my dad i will leave, but i move on fast and pine for the abusive jerk forever.
27. Fantasies about someone you love, even if he or she is unavailable, are more important to you than meeting someone who is available.- no, i want a real live person but i do carry torchs for other forever.
28. You are terrified of being abandoned. Even the slightest rejection feels like abandonment and it makes you feel horrible.- yup
29. You chase after people who have rejected you and try desperately to change their minds.- i use to but now i dont want to feel that low so i chase for a brief time and literally force myself to stop but i do track em on facebook and think about them still.
30. When you are in love, you are overly possessive and jealous.- internally yes but i never say anything or act it out, i act too cool, but internally i am terribly insecure and needy. i tell myself i am special and no one can be me to them so they wont cheat, but if they do, i have to leave as i give up myself enough in the relationship that infidelity makes me far too sick to stay. i give it all, as the people pleaser i am so cheating i cannot stomach.
31. More than once, you have neglected family or friends because of your relationship.- i see them, but less often as my family with my man comes first, so, without justifying, yes.
32. You have no impulse control when you are in love.- i have incredible control to act like someone i am not. someone perfect. but i gain weight from suppressing my needs nsd eventually it comes out.
33. You feel an overwhelming need to check up on someone you are in love with.- i work to trust, even when they dont deserve it. if i get to a place where i dont trust i walk away
34. More than once, you have spied on someone you are in love with.- never
35. You pursue someone you are in love with even if he or she is with another person.- never
36. If you are part of a love triangle (three people), you believe all is fair in love and war. You do not walk away.- never been in love triangle
37. Love is the most important thing in the world to you.- yes
38. Even if you are not in a relationship, you still fantasize about love all the time— either someone you once loved or the perfect person who is going to come into your life someday. -yes
39. As far back as you can remember, you have been preoccupied with love and romantic fantasies. -yes, since i was very, very young, i dreamed someone would make me feel special, love me, be loyal to me, id be there number one
40. You feel powerless when you fall in love—as if you are in some kind of trance or under a spell. -yes