The person who contacts us is not always the victim and so we should not jump on her bandwagon and see only her point of view.
Romance addicts are rarely codependent. They can be very selfish or sometimes have narcissist tendencies. Recently, some of you called the partner of a RA controlling when he wrote up a list of things that had to change if they were to avoid divorce. She has had many affairs and he was tired.
I talked to both partners and his demands were reasonable. He just needed to get off his high horse and temper his demands, but his anger was his protection, his shield from more pain.
But he did exactly what I would have advised him to do. They had to get behind empty promises and get to work. Monitoring what she is doing is meant to build trust. If we get a warning at work on our yearly review there is often a list of changes with a deadline that must be met.
The list should be manageable and prioritized. It can be as simple as "respond when I say hello," or read at least one chapter of Harville-Hendrix's workbook a week together. Start Imago therapy, etc. etc.
What to you all think of this. More discussion is needed.
Post by looking4peace on Dec 9, 2013 16:05:33 GMT -8
I was the person who wrote the list up. I don't think I portrayed myself as a victim. I think the ambivalent / avoidant romance addicts (like me) are those on here who have hurt the most people. We have betrayed ourselves, our spouses, our families, a number of POAs and their spouses and families. I did not intend to portray myself as a victim. He is the victim. I have an addiction, but that does not make me a victim.
I hear and respect both of your opinions on this. Who's the victim is impossible to say, and maybe it isn't all that important. To me, that list contained elements that where humiliating and controlling. I understand that anger and demands can be important in protecting oneself, but if it where me I would never agree to meet such demands.
It wasn't so much about the actual demands as it was about the wording of them. Things like "I am not in charge" and "I am not a role-model" seemed demeaning and verbally abusive, and personally I don't believe that any trust or love can grow under such conditions.
I understand that this man has a right to be angry and protect himself. And I understand that trust can be hard to rebuild, and has to be earned. Perhaps some level of control is okay for some. Personally, I think it's a slippery slope to demand control over certain aspects of the other persons life, and it shows dysfunction on both sides of the equation. Because if he truly meant all those things on that list, why hasn't he left her? Why would he want to be with someone so horrible? (this is what I asked myself while reading the text, looking4peace, I am not saying or implying that you are horrible).
If that list is one that the two has phrased out together, then I stand by what I said. If it's a resume phrased differently than the actual list they made, then it is a different situation that I have no basis of or interest in judging.
Post by From the ashes on Dec 9, 2013 16:57:10 GMT -8
Who ever the victim is, is not my concern it was the list that concerned me.
We are all on here to heal and recover from love addiction and I for one don't judge how it has affected other people lives.
I feel we are all here to help one another onto a better path.
“I vow to be the best person I can be first. I vow to seek out only those who nourish who I am, and to pass by those who would undermine me. I vow that I will never place the responsibility of my own happiness in the hands of anyone else. I vow that when I find love, I won’t cling to it because I know that I am strong enough without it, and that there is always enough love in the world.”