At times this problem makes me feel so embarrassed….immature, and shame b/c of what it might have done to hurt others in my life. I know I have to forgive myself b/c I was reacting from a place of pain and a certain level of development. I am sure others have felt this way.
Hi Molly. If I sat back and think of all the things I did during the height of my addiction and the people I've hurt along the way it would make me feel horrible, let alone embarrassed.
I've come to learn to let it go to my HP and think about those things when the time is necessary (I.e during certain stages of the steps). If you spend all your time thinking about it you'll go insane.
Want to know something really good though? The fact that you are here and wanting to change means you're a strong and self-aware person. Many people go through their whole lives being unhappy and not even aware that they have a problem. They get married and raise kids and perpetuate the cycle. We are here facing our fears and ourselves and we are taking steps to change our behaviour. This is something to be extremely proud of not embarrassed about!
As wip suggested, if you think about it too much you can go insane. Right now this is the time you will be loaded with flashbacks because you cannot avoid reality by acting out. Thank God you survived it and is now at a point in life where you are aware of yourself and want a change. God Knew what happened, why it happened, and He Knows that we must rely on Him to Help us through to the other side. We are only human and are not super heroes or clear of doing wrong. The best human supporter is yourself. Comfort and encourage yourself when you feel embarrassed and ashamed for what you did. Remind yourself that this was when you did not know how to behave better. We all have regrets. Sometimes I wonder was that a completely different person inside of my body. But I know it was me because I still feel that urge even if it's suppressed with knowledge and tools. Take deep breaths to relax when you feel overwhelmed with depressing thoughts and focus on the positive. Stay determined to live a better life. When we know better, we do better.
Thanks, sometimes too, I think I magnify in my head what I may or may not have done. My situation with my person of addiction is a little strange b/c we are close friends, but I am WAY too attached to him. I am trying to become "non obsessed." i do believe, too, that when we know better, we do better. This attachment is not good for me. I at least recognize that now.
Molly 66, i too went through a period of beating myself up until my therapist suggested giving "myself a break because Im only human" a lot of my guilt comes from being raised by an alcoholic dad.....everytime i made a mistake or did something he did not like i would get the silent treatment, i believe that scarred me for life and i am working on that...so be good to yourself. when i feel bad i think to myself that my POA also chose to be in this relationship and i am not going to take the full blame.
Sometimes it is good to feel some embarrassment, especially when we did something wrong. We could use those embarrassing moments to have a change of heart and direction.
When I feel embarrassed, I try to be objective about it. If I think I did something wrong and needed to confess it, ask forgiveness, and make some kind of restitution, I would do so. Then I let it go completely and would feel lightened and freed in my heart. My heart becomes at peace again. So for me, those feelings of embarrassment make some sense (it is a form of feedback) and a stepping stone for me to change for good.
You can also use it to affirm yourself on how much you have progressed or grown from it.
Your recovery is worth the pain of your withdrawal. Remember that "the pain you feel today will be the strength you feel tomorrow." Fantasy-based relationship is a lie. Face your reality and stay well!Kind Regards to all LAA members here, - Codepnomore