I cannot help but feeling this is all my fault. Nothing my PoA ever did was good for me. I boggled him down with my problems. He changed who he was for me and I pushed him away. We slept in the same bed every night and I still didn't notice he wasn't happy.
A part of me feels like I don't deserve recovery
I don't deserve love. I want to hate myself so bad.
It would kill me inside if he moves on. I feel like a fool for glamorizing a relationship that was crashing and burning.
Now that I've gained so much weight I feel ugly and undesirable. I feel noone will want me and neither does he.
I avoid going out like the plague because I feel disgusting. Its our homecoming week and I have no friends or any desire to go out and do things.
I am so sorry you feel this way (feeling as if you don't deserve love, recovery and wanting to hate yourself). If you truly feel that way, please know that there is a better way, and it starts with loving one's self. One of the great commandments we are given is to love others as we love OURSELVES.
It is right and healthy to love one's self. I struggled with self-love and self-worth, stemming from a chaotic, tough upbringing (long story). I wallowed in sadness, self-doubt and self-loathing. BUT -- I was tired of feeling that way, tired of complaining about it, tired of STAYING that way. Finally, I sought the help I knew I desperately needed, via professional therapy/counseling and spiritual direction. Posting here was (is) part of my recovery, as well. Knowing I am not alone is very comforting, and I am glad we are all here. But professional counseling and following a spiritual path propelled me forward and are the continued keys to my recovery. This is my experience -- I know everyone's journey takes on a different form, but this is what works for me.
There is indeed a better way. I prayed for it, I found it, and I went after it. I wish the same for you; I hope and pray that you take the steps towards living a healthier life.
Last Edit: Oct 25, 2014 7:52:33 GMT -8 by havefaith