Post by abetterlife on May 17, 2015 10:51:14 GMT -8
This was helpful to read, to give sone meaning to what I'm feeling. I felt hope and despite the pain I worked my hardest to keep moving since no contact May 6th. I dont want to self pity or be negative. i used to turn to someone to tell of my sadness just to hear them tell me I am important and loved. I don't think I can do that right now...I don't want to be alone nor be with people. I want to accept, to self love, to find a higher power. This feeling of confusion and not knowing what purpose or future is in store. It is not general pain, it seems to hit my very core and identity. I feel like I'm trying EVERYTHING. But not enough at the same time.
I feel one positive thing right now. THIS HAS TO BE FOR SURE THE EMPTINESS THAT I HAVE BEEN ALWAYS ESCAPING WITH LOVE ADDICTIION. I'm here, this is it. It's a different feelng than the throes of withdrawal and very different than the pain IN those toxic relationships. How I miss the highs but stay in recovery because the lows always catch up to you and take you away from yourself. And I don't want to live and love like that ever again. And I don't want to be addicted to suffering.
I want to heal And I want my hope back. And to feel that someone cares about me.
"Eternal vigilance is the price of freedom" ---Thomas Jefferson
I'm in this spot now abetterlife. The throes of sadness and lethargy. None of my tools are working at the moment. Workouts, eating well, recovery work, meditation, etc.. I'm in a pretty rough space and I feel that emptiness and the pain that I've been avoiding and medicating from for years. Tears spring to my eyes faster than ever before. The physical aches in my body are real. The feeling of my mind being submerged into a thick fog, making it hard to do anything is also very real. I can't dream. I have zero energy. All I can do is stay in bed and snooze. Every so often I wake up for an hour or two and cruise these message boards and hope for contact from the outside world but I am isolated. Lonely and fearful. My Mom drives me crazy. I dislike almost every aspect of her personality and wish I had a different family in many ways. But-they are the people I was brought up by and as much as I wish I hadn't been born sometimes, they are my parents. I hope these feelings pass. They are painful and consuming.
Post by From the ashes on Jan 2, 2016 3:31:25 GMT -8
I second Vivi,
Please go to to your doctor and seek help, you are worth it Leah, love yourself enough to take the hard step of tending to your needs by seeking help. We all need a helping hand at times so please don't feel angry or disappointed in yourself for feeling depressed ... We are human.
“I vow to be the best person I can be first. I vow to seek out only those who nourish who I am, and to pass by those who would undermine me. I vow that I will never place the responsibility of my own happiness in the hands of anyone else. I vow that when I find love, I won’t cling to it because I know that I am strong enough without it, and that there is always enough love in the world.”
Self-pity starts when you are a victim. But it can become addictive. The antidote is positive thinking, forgiveness, gratitude, and acceptance. Don't fan the flames, let them burn out. Go at your own pace. Do not let others tell you how long the process should take.