Post by denverdignity on Jul 21, 2015 7:13:39 GMT -8
I went to a wedding this weekend and it really brought me steps and bounds backwards. I still have issues with envy of others in love and happy couples and I hate to be alone and exposed at events and am tired of being the odd man out. I feel hopeless. Been NC with poas for more than a week and blocked them s don't know if they have tried to reach me , they must have sensed I was pulling away because they were contacting me a lot so I had to finally block them as it was too tempting and hurt to hear from them made me feel anxious and want them but know I am getting crumbs so not wanting to respond. I would not respond but just seeing they reached out was hard and I even felt guilty not responding when they would say they were thinking of me asking if I was Ok etc..anyway have an apt with my counselor whom I started to see regularly recently and it will help. Just feeling down and lonely and miss physical affection and want to be in that insulated bubble that is a relationship, it was sooo hard to be with friends who are newlyweds and in love affectionate and have each other forever, made me feel angry and sad inside that I have somehow been so unlucky to never have this at 46. I am tired of being the odd man out and it is worse now that I am older, and I feel like a freak and so shameful about it. I have never been married.
I even felt guilty not responding when they would say they were thinking of me asking if I was Ok etc..
This guilt feeling will happen for a while. It makes you feel like you are being a horrible human being by not responding to "warm" gestures of people who want to know if you are OK. But with time the guilt fades since you begin to realize it was for your good as well as theirs. You are doing yourself (& them too) a huge favour.
I feel like a freak and so shameful about it. I have never been married.
One of the biggest problem with us is that our thought process becomes very shame based. We feel ashamed that we are "different" But it's important to change this faulty shame based thinking into confidence based thinking. So what if marriage hasn't happened yet? Evaluate what has happened in your life in other areas, what have you achieved as a person? In your job area? I know many women in their late 30's & 40's who aren't married but have achieved so much. They have achievements to show for. Think about what's yours. If not, then what do you want to achieve? I know from your other posts that you have lots of other interests - shift your thoughts to those in order to be productive & handle the loneliness.
"Fully functioning people are not interested in doing things better than everyone else; they look inward for their life goals....Look inward rather than at how you measure up to the other guy" - Pulling Your Own Strings by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer.
Denverdignity, I totally hear you on this one. I used to struggle with going to weddings so bad when I first started recovery. I'm a bit better now, but I work at it to keep me from feeling that way when I attend such events.
I know you stated that you've never been married and that it makes you sad when you are at weddings seeing all the happy couples have their day-as I've said before I've felt this way myself numerous times, but being divorced I can now see past the veil of illusion that is weddings. I can honestly say the wedding is the fun part. One of the most exciting and lovey-dovey display days for the couple-which is lovely, but not the entire truth. There are many aspects you do not see at the wedding that are not all that wonderful that many married people deal with day in and day out. Trust me. Being in recovery has taught me that everyone has their issues, and that if you want a great relationship with another human being, we must first start with a great relationship with ourselves. I was still deep in LA when I got married and it really took a toll on my relationship, and ultimately my relationship did not survive.
I too miss physical connection with another human being, but sometimes doing something as simple as going for a massage helps. We are hard-wired for touch as a species, so I hear you on the missing physical contact thing. Massage helps me when I feel this way.
Bottom line: You are not alone on this one. Try talking it out with your HP to help you see some clarity.
Post by denverdignity on Jul 22, 2015 9:22:55 GMT -8
Thanks so much it helps to read your supportive notes..I have been checking out the positive talk section today like this:
The first step to living the life I want is leaving the life I don’t want. Taking the first step forward is always the hardest But then each step forward gets easier and easier. And each step forward gets me closer and closer until eventually What had once been invisible starts to be visible. And what had once felt impossible starts to feel possible.
Post by denverdignity on Jul 24, 2015 6:12:00 GMT -8
Feeling a bit manic lately although am not bi polar..woke up this morning with huge amounts of anxiety over the fact that I am single..why do I care, I don't get why that gives me such extreme fear.
I can financially support myself and have virtually been single my whole life, I also know that it doesn't matter what people think of me (if they think Im weird or feel sorry for me) so why does it cause this depression feeling and anxiety..I do have options of dating some people but don't have feelings for any of them so I feel like they don't count which is horrible. I find myself angry this morning too..
saw my best friends facebook (didn't look for poas or anything like that infact I HATE facebook)last night and she has all these naive pics of her and her bf doing things, it seems so cheesy to me when people feel the need to put their "perfect" fun lives on display for facebook. I know I am being judgemental and don't know why I am being so bitter its not healthy or called for.
I guess I have to realize she was a facebook attention person from day one since Ive known her she just never had a bf to do all the pics with until this she would instead put pics of her on vacation in her bathing suit and other attention wanting pics..why does that annoy me?
Live and let live if it helps her feel validated fine why do I care, or maybe she does do it for family to see although they never comment so that does not seem to be the real reason but why do I care, not my business?
I don't get myself right now. May do some burpees. Taking walks with my dog just seems to make me stew and feel even in a worse mood which is unfortunate. Also my friend I know has atleast one poa as a "friend" and so every time she posts she knows that person will see it, it makes me think less of her but that's just mean and may not even be true, or why do I feel women are weak if they always have to have a boyfriend am I really just jealous? I am not jealous of my bf and her bf at all so its just annoyance and not sure why.
I even know Im comparing somehow right now or bordering it...I have one friend getting divorce and she has someone in the wings she is in a pseudo temporary relationship with Im talking not even divorced yet and a month out of separating. Why do I look down on that, do I envy it some how? Comparison is definitely a huge stumbling block for me always has been and sometimes I think it may be my lifes lesson to get over. Judging is probably another issue I have. Not jealous of my friend who is seeing someone who is older while she is separated mainly for companionship and sex but doesn't see it long term. So again why the annoyance?
I have some meditations for envy an jealousy none for anger some for anxiety feeling trapped feeling less than, and hopelessness, and some others obsessive thinking is one too. The thing I don't get is I am not unhappy alone I just feel off and scared and angry this morning.
Started to think about my POAS a lot yesterday and went to baggage reclaim blog and it set me straight again right away about considering dating one of them who was begging me to give him another chance and date him (probably just so he could have sex with me we did have sex once when we were giving a second go and I was willing to do friends with benefits after we had dated and broke up -sad I know-so we "broke the seal" so to speak and so he knows it would start again where we left off although he did want to take me on proper dates too and go out of town together to mountains etc, I had told him after one time in friedns with benefits and after some time apart I would not do that again).
Keep thinking in the back of my head I was harsh to do NC and block him and that I could be out having fun but he is too young and it would never last and I do like him enough it would hurt when over so whats the point.
Sometimes I wish I didn't take life so seriously and attachments and could just have flings and less serious things and enjoy life but I know myself and I cant be casual.
SO here I sit in total discomfort this morning. Yesterday was just thinking about the pool and laying by it this weekend ( we have full restaurant bar at pool that deliver to your pool chair its amazing) since I was at wedding out of town last week. Today not feeling in that positive space looking forward to the weekend. Just feeling annoyed, negative and bitter. ugg.
Need to stop thinking or at the very least if I do think think positive soothing thoughts and stay in the present and not care about what other people do. Do some vigorous exercise to get the anger out and feel somewhat relieved.
Has anyone else had these kinds of thoughts? I always feel I am alone in these maybe I am I am ashamed of them because they are not pretty.
I think we all fall into this thinking from time to time. I know I do. I call it my "cranky curmudgeon can't currently cope" time. Or 5C time.
I get into those funks often. My therapist says it is best to sit in those feelings and feel them. Not to avoid them. We have to start to build our discomfort muscles with those feelings so we can tolerate when we don't feel all that great and understand that it will pass. This is a lesson I am learning as well. Not to block those feelings, or "hide" them under positive thinking, but to feel them, try to understand what triggered them.
I hope this helps. We all feel this way from time to time though.