Today I feel pretty down. I know I've been up and down all week, but today has been pretty blah.
I feel like my life has no meaning. There's no one that relies on me and I'm close to so few people. I've maintained LC with my parents and my brother, but it's hard. It's hard feeling so isolated. I go to CODA 12 Step meetings, but that's only once a week. Thankfully I have a therapist appointment tomorrow, so I'll get to work through some of this with her. I'm grateful for that.
Why is it that because I have no man and no children I feel like a failure? I feel like I'm not really healthy enough to have either of these in my life at the moment, but why do I feel like someone who doesn't deserve life because I have no impact on anyone?
I'm not sure why I feel this way, but I do. Anyhow, that is all for now
I can tell you that even with kids, and friends, and family in your life....its still lonely. The loneliness (I think) is all part of the addiction. Its what keeps you in the debilitating cycle of whatever addiction a person happens to be dealing with. Its quite a nuisance really....and something that really needs to be packaged up and put on a shelf for another day when you feel strong enough to really examine it. I guess its just one of those things that won't really ever go away completely...I think? Maybe? I like to think of it as....like in the movie "A Beautiful Mind" The main character (Russel Crowe) in the end finds a way to live with the different personalities that haunt him. They are there, but in the distance. They are something he could choose to keep communicating with....or as he seems to choose in the movie....to just acknowledge they are there, and continue on with his life without giving them a voice. We need to acknowledge and accept the aspects of LA that we find most difficult to deal with. But that doesn't mean we have to let them control how we feel and how we live. Not sure if any of that makes any sense at all...lol Hope so Take care