Post by Susan P. on Nov 9, 2015 13:15:58 GMT -8
This story is about me. It is not intended to be about your situation. You may not necessarily identify. Maybe; maybe not.
As an incest survivor I became familiar with anxiety as a young child. Then I became used to it. Then I became comfortable with it. At some point during this process I became addicted to the anxiety and it took root in the synopsis of my brain. To cope with my anxiety I tried to soothe myself with fantasies about growing up, leaving home, and living happily ever after. I also used self-pity to cope, which took the place of what little self-esteem my had.
At some point, I started making decisions to put myself into situations where I could get an anxiety fix. I discovered this in my fourth-step inventory while looking for "my part" of things. An example is choosing to be a prostitute which put me on the streets where I got kidnapped and raped etc. But I was codependent and doing what my PoA told me to do at the time. So we were both to blame for what happened. Please no posts about how I was a victim. I could have gone home to my mother which eventually I did. Only cancer patients are pure victims in my opinion. Yes I understand this is controversial. It is just my opinion. I digress.
So I started recovery and my depression lifted, but the physical and the mental addiction to anxiety stayed on. It exists today and I take medication. Once the brain is hooked on releasing anxiety chemicals and electrical charges there is no going back to cognitive behavioral therapy [positive thinking] which I also do for my situational anxiety. I need my meds for anxiety, and when people suggest I am wrong I get triggered.
To get to my point, happiness was unfamiliar to me in early recovery, and unfamiliar situations trigger both physical and metal anxiety. I have made a lot of progress with spiritual anxiety. I do not get anxious when I am praying so I do it a lot. And there is no hell. IMO
We had a thread about this. Does anyone know where it is?