What is abandoholism? You’ve heard of food-oholism, work-oholism, shop-oholism and, of course, alcoholism. Now here comes another, most insidious, addictive pattern – aband-oholism. Abandoholism is one of Outer Child’s most insidious patterns. Abandoholism is a tendency to become attracted to unavailable partners. Many abandonment survivors are caught up in this painful pattern. Abandoholism is similar to the other ‘oholisms, but instead of being addicted to a substance, you’re addicted to the emotional drama of heartbreak. You pursue hard-to-get partners to keep the romantic intensity going, and to keep your body’s love-chemicals and stress hormones flowing. What makes someone an abandoholic? Abandoholism sets in when you’ve been hurt so many times that you’ve come to equate insecurity with love. Unless you’re pursuing someone you’re insecure about, you don’t feel in love. Conversely, when someone comes along who wants to be with you, that person’s availability fails to arouse the required level of insecurity. If you can’t feel those yearning, lovesick feelings, then you don’t feel attracted, so you keep pursuing unavailable partners. You become psychobiologically addicted to the high stakes drama of an emotional challenge and the love-chemicals that go with it. Abandoholism is driven by both fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment. When you’re attracted to someone, it arouses a fear of losing that person. This fear causes you to become clingy and needy. You try to hide your insecurity, but your desperation shows through, causing your partners to lose romantic interest in you. They sense your emotional suction cups aiming straight toward them and it scares them away. Fear of engulfment is at the opposite end of the spectrum. It occurs when someone is pursuing you and now you’re the one pulling back. You feel engulfed by that person’s desire to be with you. When fear of engulfment kicks in, you panic. Your feelings shut down. You no longer feel the connection. The panic is about your fear of being engulfed by the other person’s emotional expectations of you. You fear that the other person’s feelings will pressure you to abandon your own romantic needs. Fear of engulfment is one of the most common causes for the demise of new relationships, but it is carefully disguised in excuses like: “He just doesn’t turn me on.” Or “I don’t feel any chemistry.” Or “She’s too nice to hold my interest.” Or “I need more of a challenge.” Abandoholics tend to swing back and forth between fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment. You’re either pursuing hard-to-get-lovers, or you’re feeling turned off by someone who IS interested in you. What is Abando-phobism? Abandophobics are so afraid of rejection that they avoid relationships altogether. Abandophobics act out their fear of abandonment by remaining socially isolated, or by appearing to search for someone, when in fact they are pursuing people who are unattainable, all to avoid the risk of getting attached to a real prospect – someone who might abandon them sooner or later. There is a little abandophobism in every abandoholic. For both abandoholics and abandophobics, a negative attraction is more compelling than a positive one. You only feel attracted when you’re in pursuit. You wouldn’t join any club who would have you as a member, so you’re always reaching for someone out of reach. How do abandoholism and abandophobism set in? These patterns may have been cast in childhood. You struggled to get more attention from your parents but you were left feeling unfulfilled, which caused you to doubt your self-worth. Over time, you internalized this craving for approval and you learned to idealize others at your own expense. This became a pattern in your love-relationships. Now as an adult, you recreate this scenario by giving your love-partners all of your power, elevating them above yourself, recreating those old familiar yearnings you grew accustomed to as a child. Feeling emotionally deprived and “less-than” is what you’ve come to expect. Why does the insecurity linger? Recent scientific research shows that rather than dissipate, fear tends to incubate, gaining intensity over time. Insecurity increases with each romantic rejection, causing you to look to others for something you’ve become too powerless to give yourself: esteem. When you seek acceptance from a withholding partner, you place yourself in a one-down position, recreating the unequal dynamics you had with your parents or peers. You choreograph this scenario over and over. Conversely, you are unable to feel anything when someone freely admires or appreciates you. This abandonment compulsion is insidious. You didn’t know it was developing. Until now you didn’t have a name for it: Abandoholism is a new concept. Insecurity is an aphrodisiac. If you are a hard-core abandoholic, you’re drawn to a kind of love that is highly combustible. The hottest sex is when you’re trying to seduce a hard-to-get lover. Insecurity becomes your favorite aphrodisiac. These intoxicated states are produced when you sense emotional danger – the danger of your lover’s propensity to abandon you the minute you get attached. At the other end of the seesaw, you turn off and shut down when you happen to successfully win someone’s love. If your lover succumbs to your charms – heaven forbid – you suddenly feel too comfortable, too sure of him to stay interested. There’s not enough challenge to sustain your sexual energy. You interpret your turn-off as his not being right for you. How about following your gut? If you’re an abandoholic, following your gut is probably what got you into these patterns in the first place. Your gut gets you to pursue someone who makes your heart go pitter pat, not because he’s the right one, but because he arouses fear of abandonment. And your gut gets you to avoid someone who is truly trustworthy, because he doesn’t press the right insecurity buttons. Enrich your mind. Follow your wisdom. But until you overcome your abandonment compulsion, don’t follow your gut – it will only get you into trouble – because your gut tells you that unavailable people are attractive. How do you recover from abandoholism? Abandoholics are well represented at Abandonment / Outer Child Workshops where they receive lots of support and get to practice effective pattern-busting abandonment recovery tools within a safe group setting. Abandoholism is also explored in TAMING YOUR OUTER CHILD and the WORKBOOK. Take heart, this Outer Child pattern, tough deeply embedded in primal abandonment wounds, can be overcome.
It's Sooo terrifying !
That's why I cannot let go. That's why I go to relationships like this (5 in the row)
My task to do is to think why I use fantasy in relationships?
~ Fantasy why I use fantasy ? So I don't have to admit of nasty truth that he actually didn't love me, to admit that I actually failed to be in relationship or deal with my own insecurities, affection, that Life would be more interesting that actually is..? So I wouldn't feel these painful feelings or emptiness inside me , that's says I am not good enough , not worthy not lovable. I am! Sexy interesting . But that is not true. I don't know how to actually be intimate .
I could fantasy about woman too. All man want to be sex .. with me ? That's creepy! Makes me sick.
I think I am invisible . Where my other part goes after sharing in relationship? Where.. ? I M unaware of myself
.. there are more answers why I needed fantasy in my life
- to survive abandonment trauma
- to survive ,, in so called pedofiles ring,, my blood family these childhoods terror - to survive after and during rape , where I was concentrating on the clock .5pm where I was invisible, my mind wasn't there .. only my body was present .. I shut down my feelings .
I had to use fantasy to say I came from normal medium class family .
I nearly had somatic reaction ( vommited )
- I can't accept affection and always find it suspicious, because I was used to please others ( sexually , being a prize , being a toy)
I felt like a prostitute and really was considering to becoming one, because even my own mother ,, used to say :to my boyfriends,, look aren't she pretty?!!! She is isn't it! I hate this word . I felt so cheep .
Today I though I ll kill my daughter , she called me a bich ! I picked her up she was with duvet ... I said what ? What did you call me?!! I got shock of how I picked her up.. and then I explained I did smth what was done to me. I was been chocked 2 . When raped was second time... god all these things are floating .. I did some explaining , crying and outreach... and mediations
I feel so sick . My stomach hurts .
I going to get flowers for my birthday. To be loving and compassionate ! And candles .
Oh yews and the fantasy ,, all people are actually nice , it's just smth happened to them that's why they behave the way behave ,, was my life's moto! I can save everyone ! True is people are sick, As holes... exct.. ok I am in recovery I can pry for this sickeness . It hurts like hell
Can't let go of fantasy over my poa .ever happy after .. I know this is naive. It's a waste of time / energy . There is still hope he would return and all be good.
And also anger .
W I worry about you. Push forward and let this man go. No contact is the only way. You will just continue to suffer if you keep fantasizing. This can be addictive too. Fantasize about your future not this man. You can do this. Beware of becoming addicted to suffering. This was the trap I fell into. All I new was pain so I started putting myself in situations to suffer just to get a fix. Just think about it W. We are pulling for you.
Last Edit: Nov 28, 2016 14:33:50 GMT -8 by Susannah
At least you are aware that it is a waste of your time and energy! That is a good thing!
Fantasy is just that -- fantasy. It does not feed or edify the heart, mind or soul.
It is not real, and for the Love Addict, fantasy keeps us in a state of stasis. We cannot move forward, and our real lives languish. Fantasy serves no purpose, other than to torment the Love Addict. I know, because it tormented me for years. I still struggle at times, but I am learning to focus on reality and truth -- because that is where peace and joy lies...
Post by imaloveaddict on Nov 25, 2016 21:48:07 GMT -8
The long abandonment post was a a good read. Trying to understand why we as addicts chase the hard to get or those that are bad for us, while loathing the people that are good to us and offer us love because we see them as 'easy' or we don't trust their love. I sometimes see it as a challenge, me the small, quiet, introvert gaining the approval of a PoA that I have put on a pedestal for whatever reason I am still trying to figure out. I feel like I have broken my past issues with myself by analyzing myself and constantly trying to improve my own self esteem and self worth. Once I reached a comfortable point, it seemed like I didn't need the approval of these negative people I once held in such high regard and was able to move on and continue improving other aspects of my life.
Most love addicts are also avoidants. We crave love and fear it. So we chase after unavailable men and run from those that love is. Break this cycle by finding a nice man and letting the love grow between us. That is what I did and it works. I am still learning to slid over in our king size bed, but I do it more and more often. His patience is amazing. God has blessed me.
Last Edit: Nov 28, 2016 14:22:01 GMT -8 by Susannah
I don't even notice good ones . I don't notice healthy man. It's like a magnet to attract what I am used too..
I starred abandonment workbook today . Not used to so much painful sensations every day .. but it is what it is.
Change is a process. Good looks is fine but many good looking men are selfish and vain. It depends. Try giving nice men a chance. It worked for me. My current partner is just a plain loving man with communication skills off the chart. Our companionship is fart superior the honeymoon we had in the back of a car. LOL.
Last Edit: Nov 28, 2016 14:18:50 GMT -8 by Susannah
Fantasy is still here.. it is so addictive! It gets me early morning and sooo hard to brake it off.. I am so not ower about this guy! Christmas period especially hard because it's only me and kids.. I am soo tired and miserable a lot .. my NC started 10-10-16 that's nearly 10 weeks.. slowly working on abandonment workbook.. but more that anything I have to stay with my blackness ... sickness and not runway from that .
I have a cycle of shame feeling guilty and so angry towards myself .. my male friend , told me he has feelings for me.. wth!!!! And then I though but I'd never showed him any interesting he's even older than my dad.. I am really devastated. I told him that .. I know these feelings I discussed with therapist they come from the past ... he send me loaaaads triggering messages .. I won't react to them . And then one day is boom it's like I can't believe I'd think I actually can make friends , that really cares for me..
I feel so miserable and I absolutely don't know who am i. Was craving for my ex to protect me from so called friends who'd want to take advantage ... of me being vulnerable.. other times I believe God gives me just what I need ... to heal
oh that is the hardest. last time I looked at my exs new gf I saw a pic of their new house they bought together That was a fun day I blocked her and never once have I unblocked. I google stalk them almost every day because there is nothing to see really but it is a pattern I keed to break. But I have NEVER unblocked her and I wont. Draw your line. I hope that no new pain will keep me here. Do the same. It is never ever ever going to make us feel better.
No therapy for 3 weeks .. at the moment I get anger attacks that sometimes goes to trauma reaction , .. I know it's ok to be angry . But that is not easy going .. especially when my kids trigger me .. with lies , blaming me , saying things ..
My therapist asked me am I wiling to let go off my family off origin ?isaid no, and then I though about it... I have too; in my head they still hold me with this invisible cord ... and to really grow up I have to let them go.
I did meditation on that and I couldn't .. I really couldn't
That was really scary !! It's like they are killing me ; there is conflict and split ; realistiy we don't and never will have heathy relationships.... so I want and I am being real ; at last - it's over for fantasy .
They did best and I am grateful . Now comes my responsibility for my adult relationships .
And I am realistic about my ex . He taught me great deal - mirror effect . Painfully but today I well aware that he was my unhealthy choice ;