After my therapy we discovered that I have self blaming pattern and it's really heavy .
Also hearing that my ex , kids dad , probably psychopath coming to uk , I stated going of the rails in my emotional state , and I became paralysed .
I am the one who initiate contact about his seeing children ... that has to stop. I will not do it this time . I have full parental responsibly , power in my hands and I don't have to feel powerless . He is just sick man who is not in recovery . I better plan my days as it is without any expectations at all. I really need to stop saying bad things about him to children ... sometimes I just so emotionally out of order .
Last time he was here I had massive headaches I had been bed ridden and I felt dreadful . He has no power over me. I am adult . I am not a child , I don't own him nothing , I don't have to feel guilty about how this relationship ended or went.
I don't have to blame myself for my kids not living / seing their dad ( the pain is that I never had my dad in my life , so I'd do anything for my kids to not go without !) it has to stop . He is adult . Me too
I feel like I hit rock bottom were I no longer enjoy or know what to do with my self. I feel lost and my therapist explained that it is a good thing. I can finally see myself slowly dissataching from my family beliefs and it's quite scary how this disfunction ( codependency ) ruins my life.
I have to write my beliefs and we going to discuss them.
Since I had fantasy and attraction on one man i got really freaked out that I loose myself . I know deep down I want relationship .
But the time is not right .
Since my children will therapy I think I have enough to deal with . I feel drained emotionally because of inner conflict .
I no longer enjoy or know what to do with my self. I feel lost and my therapist explained that it is a good thing. I can finally see myself slowly dissataching from my family beliefs and it's quite scary how this dysfunction ( codependency ) ruins my life.I feel drained emotionally because of inner conflict .
What you do with yourself is to love who you are not who you were. What you do for yourself is to take care of your children so you will not have regrets later on like I do.
Sometimes God breaks us down so he can rebuild us as the person he wants us to be and the person who will really make us happy. Romantic love is not what really makes us happy. I did not find happiness until I found writing.
Detaching form your old family of origin issues is imperative. You have to look at the past not through the eyes of your wounded inner child but from the perspective of your recovering adult personality.
If you are drained then perhaps the toxic stuff has left you. Now fill yourself up with God's love for you, your love for yourself, and for our love for you. Enjoy your children's love instead of chasing after a relationship. If only I could go back and recovery when my children were young.