Interestingly I am just starting to look at my inner child and I have been trying to pinpoint when the loss started. I thought it was as a toddler but there was a seperation at 12 and I think maybe that was enough of a trauma as I was an extremely sensitive child. I was also the eldest child and bore the responsibility of protecting my sister Anyway the dreams I am having are all around the loss and 12 but also involve extended family members and their addictive behaviours and deficits. It is very confronting and I thought I had worked through much of this stuff- evidentally not. I am so hopeful that if I can heal some of it my absolute desperation towards my POA will be also healed. Has this been the outcome for anyone else? Is it possible???
Definitely I have survived abandonment disorder and separation anxiety, and have learnt to live with it and recognize the social issues that are part and parcel, and to also be able to recognize it in other people as well. The POA situation is definitely just "distraction of life issues" there is nothing special about them at all, it's the issues we are running from and avoiding. Stay on the track of discovery with our own life exploration is the answer to getting, better, smarter and stronger everyday.
The hardest thing is that my poa seems to increadibly alluribg to me. If FEELS so real because I know the hit I will get is real. It will crumble and make me feel worthless because even though she may keep telling me I am the love of her life, she has chosen another more stabble love and built a new life and she does not want me. She made that very clear three years ago. She said I would always be the love of her life but that she couldnt be with me.
I also had another mother dream. It was so real. My parents where seperating and it had emerged that my mother was in fact a love addict. She was having multiple affairs in my dream and my father had found out and was being exiled by the family. She went nuts and morphed into this monster. it was so increadibly full on . Two nights of these dreams and months of other crazy ones. I am so tired. This is exhausting and I havent even started the questions yet.
I was also the oldest child, and emotionally took care of my youngest sister, since my mother didn't know how to be there for us emotionally (thus the abandonment). From what I have been studying on emotional and spiritual healing, having these dreams is a positive thing. Now that you are in recovery, suppressed "stuff" will be coming up so that you can deal with it and then release it. I think it is part of the healing process and is actually a good thing, even though it may not feel so good as you are processing it. Stay strong, Mima. You CAN do this!
thank you!! making it to Friday seems like a bloody miracle. I have done two meetings and foubd a sponsor. starting the questions tomorrow and going to another meeting. the fellowship I am in is amazing and I am thanking 'god' or my higher power this morning for their presence.
I need to stop snopping too. It is so distructive and when I did it in my relationshio it only led to distrust. Mind you for good reason in the end! But my energy may have manifested it I guess......stay strong too