I started dating a girl. She liked me for 2 years and I had no clue...i barely knew her. then one day added me on facebook and we started talking and started hanging out a couple of months later. She was really into Me.. Like really and I started to really like her.bafter 5 dates she went cold. After she spent the night and intimacy was expressed she went really cold the next day then a week or next so later she said she needed a break. She was too busy and over whelmed. 5 days later I confronted her and she broke it off with all these reasons..
Reasons that she said weren't an issue when she really wanted to date. She then later said why don't we take a break for a few months. I was dealing with the sudden death of my mum and was in a bad headspace and was unable to empathise with her. I didn't give her spade and kept messaging her.like e be ry week or 2.
Like desperate messaging and I couldn't cope with the sudden unexplained Changenof heart and my mum's death.. Usually I'd be ok with a break and can respect it but mums death made me feel needy and desperate. Anyways she eventually broke it off ad cut contact with me completely. I've ran Into her twice a fb the interactions weren't good.
I still acted desperate and needy. After last time I realised that what was happening wasn't good for me her or me and dealing with my grief and focusing on my dreams are more important. I haven't seen or heard from her in 5 weeks. She's definitely ambivalent and fear based seductive witholder...will she come back? If so, how long would it usually take for her to get in contact with me again. I really like her and recognise that I'm also at fault here not just her and would like to give hanging out with her 1 last shot.
Last Edit: May 23, 2019 14:10:50 GMT -8 by Namaste
Doesn't sound very heathy woman. Sorry for your loss! The issues she brought to you has to be healed , it seems that you can't let her go and she asked you for space... I don't think heathy people runaway or push buttons. I think the most important thing is to heal self , and all the answers will come after that. Take care
Post by Butterflygirl on Sept 8, 2017 18:38:59 GMT -8
I have dreaming about falling in love and living happily ever after since I was eleven years old. Instead I ended up with men who loved me one moment and abandoned me in the next. it took years and a lot of work on my self-esteem to realize that I deserved better. That I could be with a man who was available all the time. This is what I have learned about what I came to call Seductive Withholders.
Seductive Withholders (SW’s) are people who can act very seductive (implying they are available) one moment and then very withholding the next. The shift is dramatic and comes at unexpected times. Some SW’s are just plain narcissists and the seduction is just part of the chase. Others are what I call Ambivalent Love Addicts (ALA’s), men and women who crave love and chase after it only to become frightened and beg off. Everyone has his or her own style of seduction, but whatever it is it is quite persuasive. The withholding can be anything from withholding affection to withholding sex. Not returning phone calls, seeing other people—in general being unavailable.
There are various explanations for why people withhold. With some it is a matter of control. This is ego-driven. They like power over people and they do this by keeping them on the edge of their seats all the time. More common is the person who withholds because they are frightened of intimacy. When they are feeling needy and safe they get seductive. When they get too close and feel claustrophobic they withhold. A good book about this is by Carter and Sokul entitled "Men Who Can't Love." (The title is misleading. SW's can love they just can't get emotionally intimate.) SW's are also people (as we discussed) who are on the rebound. They really can't make up their mind. These people are not SW’s with everyone they meet—like the other type of SW mentioned above. When dating, try to look for the signs that a person vacillates too much. A little shift in availability is normal. Drastic, unexpected shifts are suspicious.
It is never a good idea to get into relationship with a seductive withholder who is not trying to change (even then it is a gamble). They are not, for the most part, relationship material. You cannot patiently wait for them to come around. However the SW who is not a narcissist can face his or her ambivalence and get into recovery. This means finding someone with is both exciting and compatible and staying the course. The SW cannot do this alone. They need therapy and support groups to get them through the anxiety they feel when they stay in a relationship past the initial honeymoon phase. My advice is to leave seductive withholders alone.
While I did put the term "seductive withholder" on the internet so people can learn to avoid them, the term actually came from my beloved sponsor Joan Roland. She was the wisest person I ever knew. I was reading my manuscript to her about people being addicted to love and she said, "Why don't you just call them love addicts." The rest is history.