It's hard to be a torchbearer and the pain it causes is incredible. I never realized this until a few weeks ago. I recently hit my 30s and wondered why I wasn't married or at least in a serious relationship. I had just come off of a crush I was relentlessly pursuing with no reciprocation, feeling love withdrawal when I realized that something wasn't right. I starting looking back and noticed that this has been a pattern my entire life. I find a girl I like, pursue her and if the feelings aren't met, I become obsessed with her, to the point of doing anything I can to try and make her like me. During these periods I find no interest in anyone else and I've let countless, possibly real, meaningful relationships pass me by just to stay focused on someone I know I can never have. In fact I know the relationship would be a toxic disaster and ultimately fail but I still pursue it intently and when things inevitably end, due to me, I go through terrible depression and love withdrawal for months or longer. It's strange too, I've had dates and relationships where I was somewhat interested in someone and we connect but it never has that same spark or excitement I get from the fantasy relationships so I begin to lose interest and I'll always end things before they get too serious. I realize this is a major problem and I'll never have a real relationship with someone unless I can move past this obsessive fantasy, wanting what I can't have thing. I know it's not real love but something always compels me to it. So I've come here seeking help from others who are going through similar situations. Any advice or help would be appreciated, I want to move past this and learn how to love in a healthy way.