Since doing my recovery work I have some awareness and I have a big pile of jealousy constantly . I know that's a not good enough or codependency issue.
I am on holiday this week with my kids , I am really really grateful ! I come to visit my cousin and her new bf . She moved down here to his from different county , quite quick I'd say ! But that's non of my business . He seem very nice person , intelligent happy easy going . I am enormously jealous of her being in relationship of her settling down and just having loved one in her life!
I am also thinking what is wrong with me? There is no male attention and I needy for one ... how sick! That just shows how still unhealthy I am. I don't need man I need god as my sponsor says . Sometimes I resent an idea of God . Of being religious . That ofcouyss comes from background . Shame based patterns. I do go church on weekends with my children, planning to do some Voluntering from September in 2 places . Jealousy is like poison .. I jealous of ppl who got it together, know themselves , are healed successful, have families close ... i. Still. Feel like an outcast in this country ..
I hear ya sister. I get jealous, so jealous of other women who are attractive or in a relationship. My therapist is working through this stuff with me, like my need for male attention is from childhood, being bullied and emotionally abused. There's a lot of healing happening and I've had moments where I realize that I'm good, I am a beautiful person and it shines out of me. In those moments I'm not jealous but it's not consistent. Sometimes the intentions are good behind the behaviours we do. Like I know my intentions are to be connected to a partner but the behaviours in the past have been obsessive and insecure. And yeah, when I need male attention I try to shift that energy to connecting with my higher power. It's a processs and will take some practice.
I think my cousin is so much smarter knows who she is. She is not perfect but she says she is confident . And around people like that my little self esteem vanish . I could see myself constancy saying oh no one looks at me ( males) , like saying what is wrong with me? And that is definately needy inner child looking for someone so I matter . That awareness makes me feel worse about myself ,,, like can you stop being that ?! Can I stop looking out and look inside into me. And I look for my hp, for spiritual sings ...
Maybe I am just triggered by people not in recovery . Maybe I just think I don't deserve all she has ..... That's also self pity and it is not pretty .. I just have to acknowledge that relationships are not for me at the moment . Also I jelous how firm but soft she is with my kids... I feeel 100 times worse constantly comparing myself .
Today I have no feelings of jeloiss I can just wish this couple all the best , I can see that they are not in the same path as I am , I want relationship where man is available on all levels he don't need any substances so do I. I guess I accept myself today as I am.
Post by LovelyJune on Aug 27, 2017 12:57:38 GMT -8
I recently read somewhere that "You need to stop comparing yourself to others. When you compare yourself to others, you insult yourself. "
When you start to believe that you have a different but equally special combination of traits and that you are the ONLY ONE who possesses that exact combination you will realize how sacred of an individual you are.
And by the way, you can only replace that craving for romantic love with God or religion for so long. There's another way. Let God address your spiritual needs while you address the underlying issue that's holding you back: your avoidance of yourself.
I gave goose bumps reading your reply ! That's so true , I compare myself with others weight wise, relationship , status , financial exct . I do that to avoid my responsibility and feel confident just bring me .
LovelyJune said, "And by the way, you can only replace that craving for romantic love with God or religion for so long. There's another way. Let God address your spiritual needs while you address the underlying issue that's holding you back: your avoidance of yourself."
I agree. God/HP/religion is not a substitute or replacement for 'romantic love'. The cravings will return if we do not address "underlying issues", absolutely.
A spiritual director once said, "You need to come to yourself -- you have to open your eyes and your heart to the condition of your own life, get to the bottom of your own life and open your eyes to see where you are." That, for me, is another way of saying, 'stop avoiding yourself" which is, as LJ wisefly points out, a key underlying issue that keeps us from moving foward in recovery.
That is what I am working on, and mine is a two-pronged approach, combining therapy (coming to myself) with spiritual direction (HP's grace and guidance in the process, addressing my spiritual needs, which, for me, is just as important as the therapy).
It is a journey -- a journey home to my authentic self (and HP), seeking what is right, healthy and good...
Last Edit: Aug 28, 2017 10:41:30 GMT -8 by havefaith
Unfortunately my therapy has Finnish recently I just about to starting to get the sense of healing , patterns , awareness . Maybe now is time to take others through 12 steps and do some service , while still doing recovery work and being aware of my patterns. X
Once again I shared my crippled self esteem and how jelous I felt about her , to my friend , and her reply was that she won't tolerate this from me. That I am indeed toxic person for her. That she brought this stuff about behaviour with my children and all went down hill. I started to think that I am narcissistic mother , that her judgment was right though it felt like it came from no where... like she was holding her opinion for really long time. All I said how wonderful and confident she looked..,anyhow I feel so low