My current situation is painful and lonely. I don't even know where to begin. I will start with this though, physically, I don't have type. But I can pick out the most emotionally unavailable man in any situation. It's like I have an imaginary divining rod- and trust me, it is 100% reliable.
Oh! So this is what has been going in. I would definitely put "Andy" in the narcissistic seductive with holder category. I thought I had done everything different and done really well. We were hanging out. getting to know each other (music, hobbies etc...) First he told me he wasn't "looking for a one-night stand," and as I started to let my guard down- he just quit calling. When I called him- he was headed to Galveston and I was just so confused. Because I believed we were hitting it off, I decided to try to talk to him about us but just for one day. He said he "needed space" and that his ex had "f***** him up." So, that was that and space is what he got. I deleted his phone number just in case I felt weak.
I ran in to him a few weeks later and he actually struck up a conversation. He had been thinking about me but was embarrassed to call because of the way he had acted and I was still a little miffed and barely acknowledged him. Occasionally he would text- I can't even remember if I replied at that time. Mind you, I have not even kissed him. He really wasn't my "type" I thought because he is 10 years older than me and I have always ended up with men younger than I am.
So, he obviously kept trying, I can't remember the chain of events- but he had texted and asked to go see a movie over the weekend. I wanted to see a Star is Born and said yes. We agreed on Saturday but over the course of our conversation, decided that we would go this evening. Oh remember, he had called before this, we had a date, and I created drama and left. Anyway, so we had fun- he's funny, cute. good job and he tried again so I'm thinking OK! he really likes me!
We had a few more dates but no sex. And then we did. He totally ghosted me. I couldn't believe it. I had deleted his number because I was not going to make the first move, but then a whole week went by-then the weekend and I know his nephew (thats how I met him)- he knew I wanted him to call. Nothing. I tried one more time. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. He has issues. Some I relate to and maybe that's why- not sure. But he texted back- I thought we were good, and then he totally just said what I wanted to hear. (I forgot to say I lost my job and didn't call him because I still want him to see me as pretty and sexy and not like the loser I was feeling like) He made plans and then cancelled the next day. He said that he "sucks" at relationships and I told him he says that because he wants to be bad at relationships. The thing I forgot to say is that he called again, and I waited till he called back because maybe I had been to available. again.
And that's what hurts the most. I let him back in. I believed everything he said and I really thought THIS time it will be different. 3rd time shame on me. So, I BLOCKED him now. I don't want to know if he doesn't call. I have gone one step further and blocked him from my Instagram because I don't have a private page and I don't know that he looks at it- but now I know for sure that he cannot.
Sexlessw: Thanks for checking on me. A lot had happened. after this post. let me summarize:
I reunited with the Other man last year. Thought I could control everything; marriage, career, an affair. It was chronic stress for the entire year, I yielded to him a lot, thinking it's my fault, I am the one who overreacts and overanxious and loved him too much. Then slowly I realized that all he wanted from me was primarily physical contact. since he was missing sex in his life/marriage an since I took the responsibility of taking care of it, things were going good for him while I was paying the price for it via my soul, mind, body, heart... everything!! it reflected on my work, health and my family. Then one day I realized that whenever we were meeting we ended up having sex. what was suppose to be a coffee date, would be ended up pleasing him in a corner, in a public place. I used to tell myself I was getting high in the cheap thrills like pleasing him, sneaking out in public places, hiding or in hotel rooms, that its just the chemistry that overpowers us. But the voice inside me was telling me to wake up! We never met for a single time in 1.5 years just to talk! So when I exhausted all my emotions, myself, when I had no energy left I started making excuses not to meet him. Eventually, he dumped me (or I made the situation so that he could just walk away). Unlike other times, I didn't ask for forgiveness because I wanted freedom from him but was not having enough courage to let him go. We separated 1.5 months back. I endured the pain, the withdrawal period. now he is trying to reconnect with me. In the past 1.5 months, he slept with one female and tried to hook up with others. He told me, he missed me as he could not find someone who loves him the way I did. In my heart, I know he is right. he will not find an emotional fool like ME who helped him by lending him money, yielded to all his fantasies and what not. In-spite of me telling him, I am happy (relatively) with my current state, learned that no relationship can keep me happy, but myself and moved on from him, he kept insisting. Just to test him, I offered him to leave his wife to be with me, which he said he could not as he has a kid. he has been exhausting me so much emotionally. But the love has gone. I do not know but there is an inner voice who told me that its enough. So I am not going back to him. Post break up being a beautiful time. I got back my freedom. no more lies and so much truth and self-respect. I explained to him all, but he keeps insisting. not ready to move on. So today, I am going to block him, as it's good for him and for me to have no contact.I told him not to hold himself responsible for the breakup, the relationship was very consuming and we both tried but it had to end and I am happier now, but he keep bugging me.
he is a recovering alcoholic and in my relationship with him, i think he is is a potential sex addict too. I felt bad for him, but I need to be selfish, at one time. All the time I revisited the breakups we had and regretted for patching up with him. Now is my chance to break free. i though I could do it with his consent, but since hes not ready I had to be the stronger person as there is no emotions left!
You are breaking free! You are, as you said, getting back your freedom and with that will come a life a dignity, truth, and grace. What a beautiful way to live!
You are breaking from addiction to this PoA as a drug addict would break away from heroin. Honorable and decent people don't behave in this way, preying on the weaknesses of others. Continue to keep your boundaries firmly in place -- those who do not have your best interests at heart have not earned the right to be in your life.
Continue listening to the "inner voice" -- some call it God, or HP. It is a voice that will lead you to a life of freedom and away from the chains of addiction...
Oh boy, the good old MM [married man] playbook. EMAs [extra marital affairs] are the cocaine high when they are in their beginning stages. You lived through the scenario. But once the high of it begins to fade, clarity begins, as you wrote. Wow, quickies, no talking - people need more than that.
Once you take control of the situation, step back, look at it clearly - life spreads out for you. Listen, I'm not going to downplay the withdrawal time. It's that withdrawal time that allows you to see even more clearly, more focused. If you didn't have the pain, you can never rise to health. I firmly believe that.
Don't live in regrets about patching things up with him. You came through that better, stronger and with purpose. And OH HECK NO did you need his consent for anything. He's a grown man. He needs to rise and fall on his own. You, his wife, mom, kids, friends are NOT responsible for HIS life or HIS state of being. That is all on him.
Stay strong on blocking him for anything and every avenue of contact. Smart phone, FB, Twitter, Linkdin, mutual acquaintances. Don't bother "explaining" anything to him. Let your SILENCE speak for you. Nothing says "I Am Over" Like Silence. And Silence is ALWAYS HEARD.
Post by loveanimals on Apr 27, 2019 16:56:51 GMT -8
Yes the extramarital affairs with a married man never ends well. I always avoided the married man because of this scenario, but I went for younger, single men instead. It's not like the relationship was much better, as it also centered on secretive sex and the guy complaining I was texting too much and getting emotionally attached.
It's going to be tough to block him, but take it one day at a time. You don't need someone like that in your life! Also don't yield to the temptation to go on another one of those affair sites to find someone else. The man rarely leaves his wife for the other woman, and it just causes one so much emotional distress.
Thanks, everyone for your insight. The Affair is over, the honeymoon phase has gone. He wanted to stay in contact so we are in contact ( only through texts, no in person meeting) . I know he wants to keep me in life and will try to check time to time if I can yield to him. But I am stronger than that as I do not love him anymore. He has moved on in his life and me too. He has shared his attempts to connect to new women which helped me to see clearly what the relationship was all about. It was primarily about sex for him and other perks were a bonus ( sex with love). For me, he fulfilled the romantic fantasy for some time. Things I learned: 1)when we are enslaved with the addition, we find ways to justify our acts/addiction. It’s like a court where we are the victim, we are the jury/judge and we are the accused as well. We find ways to justify our acts. For me, it was my husband and marriage which I considered ( and made) boring/ dull/ sexless. 2) no one ( husband or lover) can fill the void which we try to fill by looking for love and affection. If we are lucky we will stop this dependence. 3) everyone is trying to be a happier version of themselves: even the Other man/POA or the husband. People are different and complex. Best is to turn the vision inside and understand oneself. 4) meditation helps - food for the mind/ soul 5) exercise helps: for the body 6) the biggest problem is we try to fix everything. We have a vision for the future. Future is a mystery and acceptance is the best way to be happy at the present( it’s different from being passive and try to justify addiction) 7)) The best way to understand the addiction and pain is not to avoid it. Just try to be a witness and feel the pain ( whether it’s from withdrawal or from anything). If we can really do it in that precious window of time when we feel the pain by witnessing it and not trying to fixing it, it will go. Someone in my meditation circle told me and I did it. It changed me and that day the pain from the POA has disappeared and got replaced with kindness and detachment towards him. We just have to be the witness in that moment of pain and feel it by stopping your mind, without logic., just feel and witness .. Don't run, avoide it or try to fix it ...and then magic happens!! Love to each and everyone of you who helped me in this journey ❤️❤️❤️
Last Edit: May 23, 2019 10:35:52 GMT -8 by destiny
Wow, sounds like some SELF/ME work has paid you dividends. I agree with what you wrote - BTDT and tossing advice around on this board. You wrote what I keep harping on: "The best way to avoid addiction and pain is NOT to avoid it...Don't run, avoid it or try to 'fix' it...and then the magic happens." Preach ON!
Speaking as a MW who has been in a very back-burner EMA for nearly 14 years I get what you wrote about your xMM. Especially about him keeping you in his life and then moving on.
Thanks sexlessw. I could have not done it without this board and everybody’s especially your’s and have faith’s help to take the final step. Hope my experience helps someone someday. That’s why thought of updating the thread. EMA is a slow poison. Wish all of us the strength to make healthy choices.
Another ten cents worth: Not only are EMAs "a slow poison", they are also the ultimate high. At the beginning. And then...the crash...and burn...and pain. One line (another line - gosh aren't I just full of them) I live by: I don't GET OVER the pain. I get THROUGH it.
IRL if you see anybody going down the EMA road, you can warn them all you want - but your advice will be unheeded. They'll be so hooked anything you say will be willfully ignored. That would have been me on two different occasions. Live and learn.
Please, if you see anybody else having these issues, try to help them out (not just EMA stuff). You help yourself by helping others.
More progress: Now I and the OM are in absolute no contact. No more friends zone. After the affair when we were friends and he used to call me 2-3 times a day and all the conversation were surrounding him. I decided it was enough. I told him though we are not in a relationship it still hurts how easily he moved on. He had his own points to validate his actions but in the end, I was getting hurt. I realized no contact is absolutely necessary to get over him. It’s been weeks now and the memories of him are fading. He understood that we switched gears from lovers to friends very quickly. It was hard, but we said goodbye on a positive note. I feel as if I got a new life of my own!! I feel much stronger
POWER SALUTE on the TOTAL NC "No More Friends" zone. It's fantastic that once the contact was broken, that you were able to move forward. Hopefully, he'll keep going on his journey (re: not contacting you for years and years and years) and you will continue, head held high, on yours.