When silence is the answer Mar 27, 2018 6:06:21 GMT -8
Post by Elisabetta Vatielli on Mar 27, 2018 6:06:21 GMT -8
In human interactions it is impossible not to communicate. "Why did not you call me to tell me you were late?" "Where did I go wrong?" "Why did you lie to me?" You can ask many questions. It is right to discuss, discuss, clarify one's thoughts to find a meeting point ... The problem arises when the answer we get is "absolute silence". What happens when silence is the only message that comes to us from our dearest people?
The use of obstinate silence, in interpersonal interactions, can trigger a state of heavy emotional uncertainty, as if the message "you do not exist" arrive there. Elias Canetti said "There are some who in silence reach their maximum malice". A determined and severe silence, at times, can be more humiliating and devastating than a verbalized judgment.
"The use of silence is undoubtedly one of the most subtle forms of emotional abuse, an invisible weapon to avoid direct confrontation and thus manage the relationship in a manipulative way"
In romantic and family relationships there are those who use silence as punishment, to manipulate or even debase the other ... In these cases the silence becomes a real weapon, a weapon that the user knows how to juggle well, it is used in fact, with a lot of profession. There are those who, after a quarrel or a disagreement, or even without apparent cause, manage to "keep their nose" and the classic question that is asked: "What's wrong?" You get a cold answer and disarming, "Nothing!" And then, still silence.
No matter how trivial it may seem to be "keeping your nose", actually being in an emotional relationship with someone who systematically uses silence can be a very heavy experience.
"The silence in response to a question or a request of contact produces a void that can not be filled by objective responses, is inevitably saturated with doubt of who you asked the question"
The lack of dialogue can prevent us from understanding for what we are actually "punished" (ie where we have made a mistake, even if we have made a mistake) and in any case denies us the possibility of explaining our reasons, of defending against accusations, of remedying in some way to damage. The silence in fact interrupts the bridge between us and the other and gives us a condemnation without motivation and without appeal, taking away the only possible support: contact.
The use of silence hides so many truths
Of course, we all have the right not to answer a question but not in the context of a relationship, a friendship or simple attendance, when the request is something important. And we do not talk about people with memory problems who forget your question but people who choose not to answer, not with words, or with deeds. And not for a definite period: it does not just answer you. Why do some people react to conflicts with silence?
First, let us not confuse the silence that comes from the desire not to discuss: it is understood that the conflict has reached a stalemate and do not want to add fuel to the fire. In this case silence is not used as a weapon to punish or punish another. The person who instead resorts to silence as a punishment usually does so because he has no other psychological resources to deal with the situation.
Silence is his answer for several reasons:
He thinks that his interlocutor does not listen to him, that he is not open to his point of view and then uses silence to "force" the other to listen to him
He thinks that his interlocutor should apologize for his attitude or his words, and he uses silence as a warning
He thinks it is useless to talk about the subject because he will not be able to reach an agreement, so he uses silence to make the other give up
He feels deeply offended, but does not want to recognize him and uses silence so that the other repents
He does not want to deal with a sensitive issue, so he accuses the other and punishes him with silence, to change the subject.
Whatever the reason, the use of silence as an end to bend the way, is a kind of punishment through which blames the other person and you put the responsibility for the report in its hands. It's like saying "I will not say anything else, see what you want to do, the ultimate responsibility is yours".
What does it mean? That we are not interested in resolving the conflict through dialogue, but we simply want the other person to accept their point of view.
Manipulating and aggressive attitude through silence
Using silence as a punishment is a childish attitude that does not solve anything, because even if it provides a selfish gratification for those who apply it, it leaves a bitter taste in the mouth of those who suffer it, leaving signs in the relationship.
"Every word has consequences. Every silence too "(Jan Paul Sarte)
There is no doubt that silence can have more meanings, but using it as punishment involves a passive-aggressive attitude. That is, stopping talking to a person is a veiled aggression. In fact, in some cases this kind of silence can leave deeper scars of direct verbal aggression, because silence is a void susceptible to any kind of interpretation. It is true that in some cases silence can work and the other person he apologizes and yields, in the final analysis, this tactic can only generate resentment and problems, since the conflict has not really been resolved, but only covered.
How do you feel the person who suffers the "silence" strategy? use of silence as punishment is one of the factors leading to divorce, not only because these people feel less satisfied with the relationship, but also because they perceive their partner as emotionally more distant. In fact, one of the problems is that those who suffer the silence feel increasingly frustrated by the lack of an answer and the involvement of the other, so the relationship will become more tense and there will be more conflicts.
The person who is a victim of silence will feel confused, frustrated and even guilty. It is also likely that she feels alone and misunderstood. Obviously, these feelings do not contribute to improving relationships and resolving conflicts, on the contrary, they create an ever wider gap.
The treatment of silence is abused because: It is a passive-aggressive behavior that wants to hurt the other person. It shows a lack of care, lack of respect and lack of value It is a behavior very often implemented by narcissists in order to manipulate and punish can contribute to depression, anxiety and low self-esteem, psychological instability A regard, in the book "Amare tradire", the psychoanalyst Aldo Carotenuto writes: "Silence in the couple kills, nullifies the other, denies it even in its presence and pushes it slowly towards the dimension of non-being, of no longer existing. [...] Undergoing this silence we begin to doubt our perceptions: do we still exist? We launch messages, we advance requests, and both of them return back unchanged in silence.
Generally the victims of this pathological interaction are women because in them the drive towards the relationship is in any case dominant with respect to the prevarication. [...] However it would be inappropriate to generalize this phenomenon: even many men are victims of female silence, sadistic and guilty. [...] The word is a fundamental tool of human communication and any pathological alteration of this potential nail the interlocutors to a painful emptiness of contact. "The positive uses of silence Sometimes it is better to keep silent, such as: When we are too angry and we realize that we could say things we would regret later.
When our interlocutor is too exalted and the discussion is degenerating. When silence is used as a pause in the discussion because the other reflects on his words. silence can acquire multiple meanings, so if someone is really important to YOU it is better to say assertively what you think and feel. Thus there will be no more room for misunderstandings. No one deserves to feel unworthy of attention or undeserving of love and loyalty. NOBODY!