I just posted in the other forum, but I'm more curious about this topic in general. When we experience that intense got-to-have you chemistry with someone as love addicts, is that something we NEED or is it unhealthy? Do healthy relationships possess that too? Or can you have a healthy relationship based on a less 'intense' attraction but strong emotional connection and comfort? It seems that that super intense, primal chemistry often leads us to terrible choices in terms of compatibility. I'm just trying to figure out if not having intense sexual chemistry with someone means that something is missing? Sometimes it makes me doubt the relationship at all, but there is attraction to their looks and to their personality.
This is a great question and something I have also been pondering as well. I have been hanging out with a man as friends and do not feel the attraction that I normally do, the intense chemistry, but based on my history this may be a good thing lol. I am very clear with him that it is just friends, that I am not dating anyone or interested in a relationship or anything physical. I am seeing who he is without the cloud of intimacy. Emotional connection is a long term trait I value in a partner and it's a goal.
We talked about this in our SLAA meeting last week. We are reading “Facing Love Addiction” by Pia Mellody. We are on chapter that talks about re-entering a relationship, and one thing that this chapter pointed out is that a lasting relationship happens more often when sexual chemistry isn’t as strong in the beginning; it is better to get to know someone first before getting physically intimate.
I am also reading another book with the cheeseball of a title “Calling in the One: 7 weeks to attracting the love of your life“, and one thing that book points out is that your future soulmate will not look the way you ever picture them. The author instead suggests to focus on how you want your soulmate to make you feel when you’re in their presence.
Interesting, thanks for your thoughts guys! I think physical attraction and chemistry are important, every non-addicted line of thought does hold that they are needed for a healthy relationship but agreed it shouldn't be the driving factor and I do think super intense, flamey chemistry often means that that person isn't healthy for you. I think with the right person, there is attraction as well as comfort. I think maybe it is a steadier flame. Not burn bright and quickly, and be all consuming as it does so.