With a heavy heart I am joining this community. There is bitterness in realizing that I am not joining a club of addicts. I have always blamed my parents who were both alcoholics for being addicted and not realizing the fact. Hated, judged, criticised, felt superior and better than them. Now I have to come to terms with the fact that I am an addict myself. Even though it is obvious and facts are self-telling I am struggling to accept the truth. There is a temptation to escape and find a less traumatizing way out. I have been coping with withdrawal for the past 4 months or so and it has been hard. Still sometimes, I dream of PoC at night, or daydream of how it could be if I was not he idiot who ruined everything. I tend to idealize him and accuse myself of being not mature enough compared to him - so wise , compassioante and tender.
The inner battle is tiresome, I have had difficulty concentrating on work, my own immediate needs and being present when interacting with friends or collegues. The inner tension accumulates with time and bursts free through hysterical tantrums when I am home alone and know that noone can hear me .I can cry and cry out of self-pity for hours. The periods of joy and feeling content with myself and my life are brief and passing. The feeling of lack is prevailing.
Can anyone advise how can I support myself and make sure I am not just suffering for the sake of suffering but allowing the healing process to unfold?
With a heavy heart I am joining this community. Now I have to come to terms with the fact that I am an addict myself.
Many treatments centers no longer believe this is an addiction. They call what you are going through an attachment disorder. I accept both terms in my life. I am not ashamed to be an addict because it is just another illness. I see my attachment disorder as an underlying issue.
There is still a stigma to the term addiction. When I first started teaching the schools would not let me use the word addict in my advertisement even though the name of the class was Addiction to Love. If I were in a wheel chair I would get a lot of sympathy but as an addict I am just lacking will power. But lacking ego strength is part of my addictive personality which I inherited from both my parents. I blame no one. God gave me this disorder so I could understand my fellow sufferers and be more compassionate. I was destined for this so I have no complaints except for the damage I did to my son and daughter. Keep your head up. Shame is a useless emotion. You are a child of God and "perfectly imperfect." WELCOME
Thank you, I felt your support through the way you delivered it. No matter how they call it, the realization that all my relationships during the past 50 years have been dysfunctional brings despair. I want to cry non-stop and feel sorry for my life. I have been hoping I could avoid getting back to my painful experiences and still move along and make progress. I was sure I had forgiven my parents and myself but with every new failed relationship, self-pity and blame attack fiercely.
Today I have realized that I simply do not know what it feels to be in healthy relationships and that made me sad. How do I find that place which I cannot even imagine? Can I visualize that place? Can I feel that place? How? There is no memory which i could go back to and connect - the memory of loving and being loved without fear of being critisized or pushed away or abandoned. How would it feel to love myself unconditionally and be comfortable when interacting with people? How would it feel to live among people and not needing to isolate myself from them to feel whole and safe? Have you found that space eventually?
Last Edit: Mar 31, 2019 3:39:39 GMT -8 by helenpot
Have you always wanted to be in a LTR? Is that what you want? Or is there a fantasy of the LTR that you crave?
I'm not quite a Love Addict - after doing much ME work the past few years, it dawned on me I have more Avoidant tendencies than addictive tendencies. Which, upon reading Butterfly Girl's response to you, "Attachment Disorder" is another way of looking at the Addiction/Avoidant cycle.
Sexlessw: Thank you for explaining. And now...Is LTR something I have always wanted? Or is it the fantasy I am craving for? I do not have the answer. It might be a programing from as far as early childhood. I remember as clear as if it was yseterday the bright and strong idea which once crossed my mind (I was about 11 y o) : "If I do not find my other half, my true love, then my life will be a failure". When a girl I read a lot of books on love&romance, I would go to Indian movies and cry over love dramas for hours at end. I was fascinated by the concept of eternal love, soul mates and stuff. But I was painfully shy, felt unattractive and not good enough and did not have hands-on experiences of relationships with boys until I was 19. That very first relationship ended up with the guy leaving me all of a sudden, my heart was broken. From that moment the chain of "not working" love affairs began. One after another, for decades. I have been narcissistic, avoidant, ambivalent, what not...
How do I know if I was only chasing the fantasy or I really wanted and want the relationship? Watching my parents living in a tragically dysfunctional marriage , I definietly would not dream of anything like THAT kind of relationship. Reading books which made me believe that perfect realtionships were possible, I probably started chasing the fantasy...But that was million years ago! Could it be that I got stuck in the mentality of a 11 year girl still dreaming of rosy-pinky flawless love?
You have your answer right there. The fantasy you were viewing through films and books. The "happily ever after", "soul mate", the huge b.s. sell. I think there is a term for this - I know many elder members here can give you the term. Keep in mind, that when Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty (Aurora), Snow White, Belle and Ariel all went to their "soul mates"/"prince charmings", the next scene you DIDN'T see was when they all met the concubines residing at the palace.
I feel it's Western cultural propaganda to sell content.
You sought in romantic partnerships something the man just could not give you. You're going to hear this many times in this journey, but I'll say it again. The best relationship you need to develop is within yourself. If YOU are not confident in being on your own, choosing to be healthy, choosing to step outside and say, "I just don't care about finding 'Mr. Right' or even 'Mr. Right Now'. I care and want to focus on helepot's goals, health and wellbeing. Chasing men - this has gotten me where?"
Yes, you very well may have gotten stuck in the 11 year old girl phase of your life. Well, now you're an adult woman who can CHOOSE to find ways of relating that isn't like your parents relationship. I think you understand this. That is why you are questioning your former belief system. IMO a fantastic first step.
Sexless: Thank you, all that you said is true. That self-love and the feeling of being complete was something I have been working on consiously for the past few years. And made a huge progress. Yet, the realization of being addicted to the concept of perfect relationship was shocking. Yet, I am celebrating the discovery! The clarity it has brought in the package together with shock and temporary disorientation, is worth it! The clarity and the knowing of where you are and what you are dealing with helps. Knowing the enemy's name and tricks loosens the grip of addiction. as days go by, I can feel that transformation is taking place within. I like the watcher in me who has surrendered to God's will and allows things to unfold, grow and bring the new me.
Congratulations for discovering things about yourself that most never do. I actually think our society as a whole (at least in the USA) has some really messed up views of love, gender roles, etc and even those we may think are going about it the right way or have seemingly wonderful relationships are many times chronically unhappy, selling themselves short by settling for abuse or neglect in their relationships or even heavily medicated to cope with a partner who brings about so much pain. Seriously, many are proud of X number of years of marriage and are getting pats on the back for sticking with it while taking anti anxiety meds, a bottle of wine every night, over-eating, talking horribly about their partners, etc.
I’ve actually had gals at the office laugh and poke fun at me for exercising, having a social life and eating appropriate portions of food as if this is strange and weird to them. So being “weird” when it comes to love and relationships doesn’t make me feel “less than” at this point. I actually see myself as someone who wanted more than what so many are ok with.
So I don’t see a need for a label really, but landing here and heeding the wonderful advise has given me a chance to experience the type of relationship with a man that works great for me. I feel I now have a life and a love life that is BETTER than most of the examples I see (if I may be judgmental for a second). Without discovering love addiction it wouldn’t have been possible.
And yep, I’m still a love addict who can be triggered and who says some crazy stuff in the heat of the moment. Thankfully I’ve learned how to see and feel it for what it is, and thankfully I have a sweetheart who is sensitive to my past pain and truly gets it.
I actually only call myself a “love addict” here. No one needs to know this about me. A trusted few know “my story” and have watched me transform over the years. MOST people I know have some degree of past trauma (I’m attracted to damaged goods, always have been) and are coping with it in various ways.
Hello! Long time, no see/hear/read. I LOLed - or shall I write, nodded in utter agreement at what you wrote. I resemble some of those comments!
"Many are proud of X number of years of marriage and are getting pats on the back for sticking with it while taking anti anxiety meds, a bottle of wine every night, over-eating, talking horribly about their partners, etc. I’ve actually had gals at the office laugh and poke fun at me for exercising, having a social life and eating appropriate portions of food as if this is strange and weird to them. So being 'weird' when it comes to love and relationships doesn’t make me feel 'less than' at this point. I actually see myself as someone who wanted more than what so many are ok with."
I agree too with your statement, "I actually call myself a 'love addict' here." Too true.
Helenpot, what Paisley wrote is coming from the BTDT POV. Stick to your path!
Paisly: Nice to meet you here, love your vibe.I can feel your power and resonate with what you wrote. I myself was never happy with compromises people make in their marriages and love relationships, that rebel within me about why would people tolerate the pain they cause to each other? I just never saw real-life examples of healthy partnership which lead me off the track and made believe that it was not possible! I do belive in the power of positive thinking and the positive example as opposed to endless digging into the problems, overmentalizing and keeping too much focus on the wrong things. I truely believe that the lack of positive example is the key issue! People are drowned in the overwhelming evidence of how relationships DO NOT work and they simply do not see where to look . Too few, almost NON-EXISTANT examples of what the heck healthy relationships is, it seems. To rewire the brain from one pattern of believing and acting, one needs to focus on the image of the desired outcome. We want sanity in relationships, true love, respect, care, etc...Please show me how it works in real life please? It is am issue for me - I simply NEVER witnessed a healthy man-woman relationship in my 50 years of life... hard to imagive how it may feel...