Woman Who Loves Too Much Apr 7, 2019 12:19:07 GMT -8
Post by Gretchen on Apr 7, 2019 12:19:07 GMT -8
I am new to this message board but not to recovery. I have joined this board because I just had a relapse. I have lots of addictions like food, shopping, love addiction, etc. but the one that has brought me back to Step 1 is my codependency.
When I was child I saw my father crying. I stood there wanting to "fix" him. After that I followed him around like a puppy dog trying to keep him happy. At the time I did not realize I had an agenda. I wanted him to love me in return.
When I was 8 my father molested me. He felt guilty so he stopped and then abandoned me.
When I was 17 I started trying to buy love from a boy I got a crush on. This continued for 20 years with various other people.
Today I still give too much to people to try to help them. If it were voluntary that would be all right, but it is a compulsion. I feel like I have to do it. I feel like if I don't these people they will not like me. I sometimes feel if I do not help they will die. That's how strong the compulsion is. Most of all, I feel obligated and responsible and have ignored myself in the process. This is my understanding of codependency.
I am powerless right now over my compulsion to give all I have to needy people. I want to find a middle ground. Charity is a good thing if your motivations are healthy and you balance that with self-care.
I have 10 days of no contact with someone I was helping pay the bills. A friend from childhood. She is starting to take advantage of me. Somewhere along the way I became addicted to helping her and she became addicted to the money I was giving her.