Hi. I'm Cody. 44. First time visitor. Currently feel lost.
I know I'm an addict. I have no doubts. I was married for 23 years and committed numerous affairs. I am currently near the end of a divorce. I have been dating an amazing woman for 1 year. She really is everything a guy could want, however, lately I began to follow the same path I always have. I always find a reason to find another lover. For example, this time, I have convinced myself that my current girlfriend does not love me enough just because she refuses to send more nude photos - even though I already have a few - so I found another woman who will. It really is complete nonsense because I know she loves me dearly and does not let me forget it.
So, here I sit... a failed marriage. An amazing woman that would do anything for me. And I continue the same path. Affair after affair. But, what troubles me the most is that I do not know if I want to fix myself. I enjoy the game. I enjoy getting a woman to fall for me. I enjoy the giddy feeling you get with a new relationship. But I know this is not fair to them. I know this is not good for anybody. Part of me wants to change. Part of me does not.
Hello! It depends upon how much you want to change your behavior. If you don't want to change it, you're going to keep doing the same thing over and over again - and getting the same results. You are getting the "high" from the chase and catch. That, IMO, is the addictive part of how you are behaving.
Think of it this way. Do you want to be in the same place personally 26 years from now, when you're 70 years old?
Change is difficult. Maybe you're not ready to change. It's been my experience that once I decided to make the change, to understand WHY I acted and thought as I did, life became simpler, manageable. I won't b.s. you. It took years, reading, therapy, connecting with others in my situation and letting go of my entrenched way of thinking to set myself free.
I wish you the best because I know somewhat of what you are feeling.
Wow... I thank you for the reply because you make a very valid point. I'm too focused on the here-and-now and I have never once thought about the person I want to be at 70. Part of that is because I easily convince myself that I will be happy once I find that "one" - even while knowing very well that nobody will ever meet my ever-changing standards. I always find an excuse to begin another chase, even when that excuse is completely baseless.
If I am being completely honest, I really do want to change. But I am terrified of this because I have a feeling that the first step will be to cut off contact with all females, and I am not sure if I can really do this.
It's been my experience to think of time in blocks. Yes we always have the "here and now", me typing at the keyboard, you reading my response, etc. That's called thinking in "infant time". As children we are always focused on "This will always be just like this". We can't comprehend that there is a future. Leaving grammar school. Leaving high school. Leaving college. Leaving jobs. Leaving relationships. Having people we love die. When we are children we don't comprehend these changes coming up.
Now that you're an adult, you know that you can HELP your future. You can attempt to CHANGE how you are acting. You can learn to understand your "triggers" with women. You will learn, with effort and failures and then successes about one very important person: yourself. Learning about yourself and why you are acting as you do takes HARD WORK. It takes looking at your PAST behaviors with women and examining WHY you act as you do right now.
Terror is common. Read some posts on this board, in other areas. Google "love addiction" or "addicted to multiple relationships". You will find lots of stories and posts about folks like you, like me. I am wagering that is how you got to this board.
I can't imagine, again, only from my experience, that you will have to NC every single woman. You are involved with a woman now and going through a divorce. My advice would be to finalize the divorce from you xW (of 23 years? That's a long time, about a year less than me) and then let it all go with that now xW.
Sit down and speak to the your GF. Be honest and intimate. By "intimate" I mean telling her your truth and her receiving that truth without judgement. Tell her what you are going through and that you have some work to do on yourself. This is a hard, impossible-sounding conversation - one of the most difficult you will have. However, you will never know unless you speak to her. I believe that if she loves you and wants the best for you, she'll support you. If she says, "Sorry Lilwinky/Cody, but this isn't what I signed up for" then you need to let her go - and this is the WORST CASE I can think of, short of somebody ending up dead.
Okay Lilwinky/Cody - I don't have all the answers because I am certainly not a therapist. I'm merely sharing my experience with others who are questioning and willing to say, "I need to make a change." Let me quote Heaven 17 (OMG - showing my AGE here) "The future is mine if I can find a way through these strange days of my life."
Post by loveanimals on Apr 27, 2019 17:09:27 GMT -8
Welcome lilwinky. I'm in my 40s as well and do sometimes think about what sexlessw says; do I want to be going with younger men when I'm 70? Or even 60 lol. Thus I started searching for more men my age, vs. disregarding them.