I’ve got an appointment with a therapist on June 6, and I just hope I can hold on that long.
I’m really in a bad place. Moving back in with my bf didn’t help the anxiety (in fact, it’s making it worse because I’m anxious about the relationship) and finding a job didn’t help the anxiety. I’m beginning to wonder if I’m ever going to feel good again.
I took an Ativan, and if I don’t feel better in an hour, I’m going to take another.
It turned out I felt better, so I stopped at one Ativan.
I think a big source of my anxiety is that my bf, L., has changed over the years. We met when I was 38 and he was almost 43. Now I’m 55 and he’s 60. The years have not been good to his health and stamina. He started changing (seeming more tired, less happy) when he was around 54.
I’m wondering how much is normal aging, how much is the effects of his health problems (back problems, sinus problems, and depression) - and how much of it might be that he doesn’t love me anymore.
I know I hurt him, when I moved out several years ago and things were really bad between us. He kept coming after me, and I kept backing away from him. Now in the past month that I’ve been moved back in, sometimes it feels like he’s backing away from me. He knows I love him and I want things to work out for us, because I’ve told him so.
If this relationship doesn’t work out, I’ll have to face the rest of my life without love (romantic, partner love.) At 55, it’s possible no one will ever be attracted to me again. And even if someone was - I don’t think I can ever fall in love with anybody else again. L and I have had 17 years together; and been very close and very intimate. I can’t imagine ever being that way with anybody else.
And if things don’t work out between us, then I have to get through the rest of my life alone and feeling terrible. If I live to be 80, that’s 25 more years. I don’t know how I’ll do it.
When I let myself think about this, I start to get anxious; and if that goes on long enough, I start to feel crazy. So I try not to go there in my mind. I’m SO tired of anxiety and feeling crazy. I’ll do almost anything to avoid the anxiety and the crazy feelings. Work is turning out to be helpful with that. I also read, watch TV, go online. I go to a knitting group Thursday nights and a CoDA meeting Saturday mornings. I have a book group meeting next Wednesday.
These are the things (besides recovery stuff) that I do to try to fill up time when he’s in his own little world and not paying much attention to me. I know I can’t change his behavior - if I could, I would wave a magic wand and make him the loving, attentive man he used to be. But he’s not that man anymore; he has changed, and I know that it’s impossible to make another person change his behavior.
Right before we moved back in together, I asked him if he would go to counseling with me, and he said no. In truth, we needed to get help six years ago. At that time, I asked him to either get help for himself or go to counseling with me. He wouldn’t do it back then, either - and that was when he still cared a lot about our relationship and my happiness. Now he doesn’t care as much about those things as he used to.
This will be the last romantic relationship of my life, so I’m prepared to hang in there if it’s less than perfect. I wish he was warmer and more loving, like he used to be. But if he won’t change back the way he used to be, I’ll have to learn to accept him the way he is, and adjust my expectations for the relationship.
Last Edit: May 10, 2019 16:11:02 GMT -8 by lostkate
Great that you only had one Atavan. I'm envious that you are able to knit! Hopefully the shows you are watching on television/online are edifying (ho ho ho). Not like silly things I binge watch.
From experience, people do change as they age. Life lived leaves its own experiences. It's not unusual that L would have changed owing to the things you described he has gone through.
You can't tell somebody to go to counseling. My mother told me to go to counseling for YEARS and I strongly resisted. It wasn't until the trap door fell out from rock bottom that I sought counseling ON MY OWN when I was ready. When (and if) L is ready for counseling, he will go. He may never be ready. Why? Fear. It's difficult to ASK for help and ACKNOWLEDGE you need that help. And he's in his 60s now.
My (unsolicited) advice? Keep doing what you're doing FOR YOURSELF. This is your journey. L will do what L wants to do - that's his journey.
Don't fret about 25 years from now. Plan your financial retirement, of course, but with L, keep it in the moment.
I understand your sadness about today. It's when holidays roll around that we miss the folks, like mothers - especially mothers - the most, IMO. Life chugs along after they pass, but you never, ever EVER forget them, and when a specific day rolls around, it's then, "Oh boy. Mom's not here anymore - I remember so much - how I miss her."
Healing from death - I call it Getting Through - takes so much time. How kind of L to be there for you. See? He has your back! I am glad to read you had a CoDA meeting too.
Now, I have Howard Halpern's book RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME and I PROMISE you (and other readers/posters) that I AM GOING TO WRITE OUT his relationship chart suggestions on another Topic Thread.