Hello...I'm really relieved to have found this forum and I'm hopeful that this might be my chance to finally get well from this prison of thinking and behaving..I had written such a long message yesterday, which I took down as it was just too longwinded and I was worried no-one would read it.
All I really want to say is that after a 23 year long marriage, and 6 years since the separation and divorce, I'm still thinking about him every day, obsessing, checking, and when I don't check and obsess, that is if I practice what you call here No Contact, I find myself missing him instead. It's as if the checking and obsessing is my way of staying close to him...I just don't understand it. I want to practice what's suggested here, but / and as we have grown up children (sons aged 27 and 25; they were 18 and 20 when we split up) who live in the same house as him, which creates confusion in me in that
I haven't stopped being their mother, just stopped being their father's wife/partner, it means seeing him too, so how do I practice No Contact, and what should be my bottom lines? How to work out a way of being ex partners and yet current co-parents creates such a confusion. It's here that I hope to find a way to heal my Love Addiction while being able to continue what is a wonderful relationship with my sons. We have SLAA in the UK, but I really like how LAA defines the types...However, I wonder whether this makes no real difference and whether the process to deal with the addiction the same? My story is long, but the above is my situation in a nutsell....Thank you for reading.
I have to ask, why do you need to see your xH when you see your adult children? I realize they live with the xH. Can't you meet them somewhere neutral -a restaurant, park, mall (if you have any of those left in your area). Or are they physically incapacitated?
It's more than your children keeping you attached to them. You are keeping yourself attached. Your xH has moved on, judging from what you wrote.
How do YOU move on? Let go. I know it sounds like I'm telling you to cut off your hands when I write "Let Go". When you hold on to something that isn't in existence anymore, you keep yourself attached and static.
How does anything make a difference to what you're doing RIGHT NOW? Work. There is no fairy dust, no magical spell, no pill that you can take. It takes work and determination to change where you are and what you are thinking.
It starts on getting to the WHY of your thoughts and actions. The WHY is within yourself, your past, your family structure growing up. The problem isn't outside -it's inside. The solution, therefore, is found on the inside.
First step? Low Contact. Then No Contact. Next step? Find a therapist if you are able. Step after that? Get out and circulate - exercise, group activities (join a book club if you like to read), take a small trip, binge watch a television show - something to change your scenery.