Post by not2bforgot10x on Jul 29, 2011 6:47:09 GMT -8
See, to me, there's a "baseline" behavior, which includes 5 things: 1. Honesty, 2. Respect, 3. Communication, 4. Accountability, and 5. Commitment. I did not know this (these standards) before being in this relationship, and likely the other past relationships I've been in. It was through these relationships lacking this stuff that I realized I deserve it. To say the least, because I didn't know about these 5 things and that I deserved that, I tolerated a lot of unhealthy, inappropriate behavior.
Now, here's the trap... I am still involved with the person who has displayed the opposite of these behaviors, ie: unavailable, double-standards, push/pull, lack of empathy, selfish, etc., in that I am in a really dependent situation. I went from living my own life, healthy in Burlington, Vermont, to living (having) no life in Philadelphia with her and her dysfunctional family. So we are not "together" (in a relationship) anymore, but I am physically living with her and her abusive father.
The solution seems simple: “Just leave!” It’s easier said than done. I am having a terrible time getting myself out of this dependent, isolated, abusive, and toxic situation and getting myself back to a healthy environment. I don't need any solutions, because I know that what I need to do is quite simple, and that's get a job and LEAVE, but it's easier said than done, because I am wanting to hang onto the relationship somehow, and I am afraid that if I go back to Burlington I am going to be super depressed and will have regrets (internalized shame) about things not working out with the partner.
Burlington is a really healthy place and probably the best place for me, but I don’t want to have to walk away from here again, from this person/environment, etc. and try and “start over” for the first time and deal with living life and grieving at the same time.
I graduated college 2 years ago, and since, have worked part-time dead-end jobs and nothing steady because I’ve been so carried away and preoccupied with this dysfunctional relationship. I’ve basically been so focused on avoiding the shame that this Passive-aggressive/BPD/Avoidant/Narcissistic/Push/Pull woman has brought about that I’ve been unable to focus on living my own life. She has lied, emotionally cheated, walled off, porn addiction, etc. more times than I can count, and I still seem unable to get it through my thick head (denial?) that she cannot provide a healthy relationship, or moreover, get up the courage (legs) to walk away.
Post by Iamawomanallbymyself on May 26, 2019 4:22:57 GMT -8
I have been there. I have left the situations when it got unbearable for me. Also my partners rejected me so much that I found the courage to break away and live my life without them. Now it's 5 months I broke away from my last obsession. Last week I contacted him for making amends and tell him that I stopped drinking and having sex, and that I will have sex only in a committed relationship. I actually found the courage to ask him if he was able to give me back the money I borrowed him but he didn't reply at all. I didn't try to call him but much probably he would not take the call. Well I will see. I don't want to fight with this person and if he is not willing I am powerless over it.