Post by walkingonwater on Jan 3, 2010 9:15:39 GMT -8
REALLY glad this board has come up as it'd be good to chat to other ambivalents. I'm definitely a torchbearer (though not as bad in recent years due to God and therapy) and a saboteur... and am an OLA on the few occasions I've got into a relationship (when that happens they've always been a narcissist). Usually I have 2 or 3 weeks of dating and then they disappear.
Thing is that I generally can do NC OK - although I fantasise and obsess about them a lot. But most of my life I've been in an avoidant mode where I just switch off and shut off the neediness - or I'm searching strangers etc or torchbearing.
So NC is easy for me it's what I do all the time. Instead I need to learn to love myself etc as other LAs do I think, but also be more open to others and not run off. Yet when I get involved with someone I tend to behave like a OLA. So my plan of recovery is not too clear, other than I'm going to try and care for myself more and work on my feelings.
Anyone else feel similar?
Last Edit: Jan 9, 2010 11:42:35 GMT -8 by Susan P.
Acting out for me is rare too. My history is to be avoidant with people and then have a mental addiction of obsessing/fantasizing about someone. Only with the last POA did it become extremely "real". NC is easy for me, except with my last POA, I struggled with it a bit.
Are you avoidant in all your relationships? I have found that connecting to friends and my husband has really help ground me and avoid my obsessive behavior.
Post by walkingonwater on Jan 4, 2010 15:23:03 GMT -8
Hmm well I have a few good friends but do tend to keep a bit of a distance... although I do have friends I can open up to a bit. Totally different in romantic relationships though. Is the husband post-recovery?
Coming to this thread about three months too late.
YES, I DO feel similarly, especially since I've taken the time to really THINK about prior relationships I've had. I'm like you - NC is NO big deal for me to do. I'm not a big talker on the phone, most of the R's I've had were before the dawn of the Internet and cellphones. The POA I am currently "involved" with does NOT (allegedly) have a cell or a computer, so NOT contacting him is easy.
I do and did think about my POAs (stbxPOAs?) quite a bit - the convos, the "what if" scenarios - you name it, they rang around my head.
Post by walkingonwater on Apr 7, 2010 11:40:59 GMT -8
I've tried all sorts... have found that fantasising and obsessing has got less troublesome... Susan Forward's book 'Obsessive love' was quite helpful... most of all just rationalising that really the POA is bad news and not good is helpful for me. Prayer too!
I've read Susan Forward's book "When Your Love Is a Liar" but not the "Obsesive Love" book. I'm at the point now where I KNOW the POA is bad news, heartbreaking, hurtful and I need a newer way to get thru this pain.
NC = No New Hurts. Still Reeling and Healing from the Old ones.
If I had to pick just ONE tip from this entire forum as the most quality, as what has most supported & resignated with me throughout this whole big LA mess ... to share with other LAs, that would be it (luckily it's used throughout the forum too, not just in this thread):
I didn't make that one up on my own. I got it from TOW in 2004 when I signed up there. I'd always know intuitively about NC, practiced it my entire adult life. However, when I actually read the phrase: NO CONTACT it resonated.
Then one of the wise ladies on TOW posted what it's all about:
Sexless, I was at my parents and looking thru old pics to post on my highschool site. Came across a pic of me sitting next to the girl I think my POA has moved onto. A pic that is 40 yrs old almost. Caused me some new pain today. But hopefully it will help me to unearth some old memories as I'm looking ayt my childhood issues. Recovery is so tiring that we really can't afford to introduce any new pain by having any contacyt at all with our POAs. Just want to move on now. Thanks for sharing your wisdom
G, think you're going to work through a lot of that old pain. Really, it's impossible to know what a POA is up to, any half smart SA is an accomplished liar and compartmentalises his\her life beautifully. Usually, the things that torture us the most are a projection of our own childhood issues. Well, certainly that was the case for me. Did I feel jealousy when I met my POAs older very beautiful mistress? No. Older women don't trigger me into jealousy. Did I feel jealous of his wife? No. Did I feel jealous when he showed interest in my 10 years younger apprentice who is like a sister to me? Yes I absolutely did. I was full of jealousy. All my issues about my sister (10 years younger, beautiful, took my place in the family) got triggered massively. Jealousy is only an issue for me when my childhood feelings of posessive fury get triggered. P.
Only the ego can struggle, the soul lives in ease and joy.
yes I'm jealous of my skinny sister who is 16 mths older but everyone has always said looks younger.
Skinnier, weaker, got all the attention from my parents and everybody else, bubbly personality, popular with the boys while I was a bookworm and tomboy until very late on in life.
She could afford all the beauty products as she was an apprentice hairdresser. She had more manageable hair than me too. My hair used to drive me mad cos I had so much of it and it was unruly.
When we got confirmaed her sponsor was very wel off and had no kids. I remeber she got a Sindy doll once and I got a cheap imitation from my parents. AAAAAAAAHHHHH....my mum used to always dress us the same as if we were twins...and I didn't like it at all. She never wanted to share anything with me. Her perfume was hers and mot to be touched. stuff like that.
We always shared a bedroom and she was very bossy about my my side of the room. So much coming back now. every night we'd go to bed and she'd tell me about her day. HER day. Then it was my turn and she was always so tired she would turn off the light and not listen to me.
we chatted frantically today about dancing, FB, schooldays blahblahblah. Our escape...her h had to have a sudden kidney transplant 5 years or so ago. Mine had his brain tumour 3 yrs ago. we rarely talk about that stuff but just give each ther knowing looks. we've both got h's with anger management issues. Sorry just stream of consciousness for me but had to get it down.
edited: I had to excel at school. my sis wasn't academic at all - she was just to energetic to sit down and do homework... and maybe that's why I knew I could outdo her in that area. her two boys are really intelligent( my girls are too) and she and her h really oush them all the time to do well at school. I get triggered when we talk about that mainly because i pushed my elder daughter so hard she almost dropped out of highschool. That was shortly before my h got sick too. I felt I was just a failure at everything I had been attempting to achieve