Post by Turtle Lover on Sept 6, 2008 7:46:16 GMT -8
I snapped yesterday after over 2 months of no contact and wrote my PoA (a woman who was kind of like a surrogate mom to me -- a very close friend, at least I *thought* she was, who dumped me several months ago unexpectedly) a suicide note via email last night and made plans to end my life. I called another friend right after I sent the email, realizing that I had gone too far and that I needed help, and didn't truly want to die. In the meantime my PoA somehow had my husband's cell phone number, and called him, and he came and got me, and I ended up spending the night pink slipped in the psych ward all night. Not a pleasant experience. Please pray for me. I am not doing well at all :-[ I just want my "surrogate mom" back. That's it. Something has to change, and soon. I can't take this. I feel sooooooooooooo empty. How could she treat me like a daughter and then just toss me out like trash like it was nothing? And why can't I get past this?
Last Edit: Sept 8, 2008 12:41:58 GMT -8 by Susan P.
Post by starkeeper on Sept 6, 2008 10:14:05 GMT -8
Dear turtle, I had a similar experience 2 years ago. My Mother had died and I met a woman who even looked like her a bit. She at first seemed like the most warmest supportive person on earth. I became very attached. But in time she became cold and distant and could care less if I lived or died, No matter what I said Or did she didn't want me around. I felt like i couldn't go on. The depression, emptiness, fear and pain seemed unbearable. But 2 years later I am still here. Hopefully you have or will find a good therapist. and keep posting here.. GEt some of the books mentioned here. Be patient and good to yourself now, This wil take time. You are not alone. God bless
Post by Turtle Lover on Sept 6, 2008 10:34:49 GMT -8
I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your surrogate mom. I want you to know that you really encouraged me with your message. See..... the pain you've been through was not in vain. It is helping you help someone else -- me. As women, we have the ability to nurture and show love for one another even if it isn't in a mom/daughter type of relationship.
One thing that helps me is to realize that I'm grieving over the FANTASY of my surrogate mom.....not the actual person. The actual person betrayed me, neglected me, and abandoned me.
Nonetheless, I'm ashamed to say that today I listened to my surrogate mom's voice on my husband's cell phone where she was calling to tell him about my suicide note about a dozen times, because I honestly fear that I'll never hear her voice again. I google her name at least twice daily. How messed up is THAT? Why can't I just let go?
I'd appreciate hearing more about your experiences with both finding and losing a surrogate mother so we can compare notes if you are up for that sometime. It really helps to know I'm not the only person going through this.
Post by Metamorphosis on Sept 6, 2008 11:56:24 GMT -8
I can relate to your pain. I wrote a suicide note to my sister and she sent the police. A few weeks ago I go in an argument with my neighbor and when talking to the police I mentioned my thoughts of suicide. So off I went to the psych ward on a 51/50. Despite the trouble we get into for announcing our feelings I think it is best to be honest so people can talk us out of it.
I had a friend of 20 years who moved to Spokane. I spent $200 on a plane ticket to go see her. Everyday she emailed me about all the fun things we were going to do. One day I emailed her about my political frustrations and she emailed me that my politiical zeal upset her and she did not want me to come up. I could see that she was sabatoging the trip with this nonsense about politics but I was still hurt. I was angry for a couple of days and then I missed her so I emailed her about salvaging our friendship. When I did not hear from her I got a huge anxiety attack which I get when I feel rejected. So I took my power back and ended the relationship. Being the one to end things is much better than being rejected. In the past this would have been a full blown addiction with me going nuts because she was like a surrogate mother to me. But my recovery kicked in and I let go quickly. Now after 4 days I am feeling fine. The further along you are in recovery the less painful withdrawal is and the less time it lasts. Good luck with your situation Turtlelover.
Post by starkeeper on Sept 6, 2008 13:17:17 GMT -8
Turtle, as Susan P. suggested getting the How to break your addiction to a person book is a good start. IMO, if you start to focus on recovery it would move your attention away from googling her or replaying that cell message. These days I am trying to not replay my experiences from that time. I have my moments/ but As people tell me to drive forward, don't look in the rear view mirror. Give your attention to recovery now. There is much wisdom on this board.
This thread reminds me of what I heard someone say, speaking about Step 9. She said she felt her amends boiled down to 2 categories "I am sorry for mistaking you for my father" or "I am sorry for mistaking you for my mother".