This is definitely me! I can rave to my Loved Ones for hours about somebody I only have relatively minimal contact with, and even then usually only in a professional context. Past examples include: numerous colleagues, my martial arts instructor, my banker, an employment recruiter and recently/currently the builder/ renovator I have hired on my new house (until it came to my attention that I was doing it!)
In all these instances, there has been no romantic or sexual attraction and the gender of the person/s has been quite irrelevant.
As I said, the interaction may be based on a professional allegiance, but when more personal moments are shared (e.g. we get a coffee or end up having a deeper discussion that goes beyond business stuff) I come away from it feeling buoyant and thinking heaps about that person... Then I feel flat and rejected if they don't return my call promptly or disappear for a while. Sometimes I think to myself this just isn't rational!
Good question Requin. But I think the telltale sign of being addicted to a close friendship is (as opposed to just really wanting a close friendship), is that you cannot sustain or enjoy your life WITHOUT this person. You know what I mean?
I "really" truly deeply want to remain in the relationships I am currently in. I love the people in my life. But if any of them wanted to go and not be my friend anymore I would be hurt, sad, maybe angry, maybe I would feel rejected or lonely afterwards. But eventually, after the initial pain of having lost them subsided, I know I could go on with my life and I'd be OK, and I might even find a better friend.
The trouble with loneliness is that it's a bit of a trick. The word "lonely" implies being alone, the absence of another person in our lives. It implies that only another person can "fill the void" of our loneliness, so, we naturally think that to get un-lonley, we need to have a companion. And while other people in our lives are crucial to happiness and well-being, you do not need others to overcome loneliness. The truth is, being lonely has very little to do with actually being "alone."
Unfortunately, if we continue to think that having a companion in our lives will resolve the issue of loneliness, we sometimes become desperate and clingy. When we make other people--even ones we don't know--the answer to solving our problems, we set ourselves up for failure and disappointment. Because I hate to say it, people do NOT want to be around other people who "need" them to solve their problems. People do not want others to have such high expectations of them that they have to perform certain tasks and be help accountable for another's happiness. People, essentially, just want to enjoy other people. Not feel obligated to other people. That's the job of a parent, not a friend.
So, I suggest re-thinking what loneliness means and what your intentions are when you say you might just want a companion. What do you "expect" of that companion? Will you be OK if that companion doesn't want to spend every day with you? Are you trying to stave off loneliness through that companion? All questions to ask yourself.
Hope this helps. It's a great topic!
Last Edit: Apr 5, 2012 2:43:41 GMT -8 by LovelyJune
Post by lostgirl73 on Jan 26, 2014 20:21:22 GMT -8
I am glad that I have come to understand that people have their own lives, they will let me down. When they reply to my text msgs pretty frequently and they seem fairly eager to see me fairly often I feel surprised. I then feel the pressure to reply to their text msgs right away to keep them replying right away and this can actually cause me a little bit of pressure. Same with spending time with them but I have gotten better at saying no when I have other plans. I need to see my friend, closest friend every other day. Pretty regular contact or I get scared that I don't matter that much. I have lots and lots of friends who feel they are close friends to me, friends who want or even beg to have more time with me. Some feel very needy but it scares me as I think they get this idea I am perfect and will make some difference in their lives if I am closer to them. Even to the point of wanting me and my daughter to live with them and have asked more then once. It is weird, strange. I think I am soooo good at people pleasing that people feel very comfortable with me and often want me to meet their needs ongoing. One even asked if I would come stay after her baby is born and I barely know her but when I made time for her last week, she is very pregnant she started teaching me her routines with her son and bossing me around. It was ok, I was happy to help but after I was pretty scared that she would convince me to help when the baby comes and that I will be sucked in, used and drained as I have let myself be by many, many people being a people pleaser and wanting to be loved. I like to be enjoyable for people and I had disappointing them or saying no. So, for my own safety, with myself as I cannot trust myself, best to be at a distance from others or I can easily lose myself in the relationship with them and in meeting their needs, even friends.