I personally found that the best thing i did was to have hypnotheraphy and liston to the CD everyday first thing in the morning...other than that staying away from them was absolutely necesary but very very difficult !!! esp if you know where they are lots of the time you are so driven by the obsession to see them ......and in the end its just time !!!! it took me a year but thank god its gone now and i realise what a fool i was !!!
Good luck to anyone who is suffering !!! dont worry you will get there in the end just dont give up !!! and realise they where not for you anyway and they have done you a favour !!!
I also found that along with my addiction was the fact you cant have what you want !!!! or you think you want because it was driven by my addicted obsession !!!! the main thing is to try and its very very hard is to except its over and you cant have what you want !!!
I have gotten over my addiction to my POA and have moved on to first and foremost a healthy relationship with myself and have also started a new relationship that is five months old now:)
What worked best for me was sticking to my program, having no contact with the ex. When I did occassionally run into him, I ignored him and went home to call a friend so I didn't act out. Really focusing on why I chose him, what it is about my own woundedness that caused me to seek out addictive relationships, going to therapy and creating a fulfilling spiritual practice. There were many rough days in the first couple months especially, but the battle was well worth it.
As far as the new relationship goes, I'm finding that dating most definitely has a way of stirring things up for me, but I'm lucky that I have met someone who is patient and understanding( I suppose its not really luck, i knew what I needed and looked for it:) Issues come up and I deal with them as I go either with him, a friend or my therapist (or all 3)
Be well, Julie
"To be alone is a great opportunity because in your aloneness you are bound to stumble upon yourself and for the first time remember who you are." Osho
I don't have a PoA anymore. It was a long, nagging battle though that just kind of faded away the more I got involved in other things. I guess what worked best for me was distance. I would go 3 months, then slip. I would go 4 months, then slip....But the more distance I put between us and the MORE I FOUND A LIFE FOR MYSELF, the less I needed to emotionally hang on to him. I see him now from time to time. I'll even go visit him at his place of work. But there are no obsessive emotions behind the visit. I am just visiting G, my old boy friend.
As far as other maneuvers, I think the guy I dated after G was just an attempt to hold on to G. Again, it was a process for me that took a good year and half.
As far as blocking phone calls etc. goes, I didn't have to really. He never called when we were not together. And if he did, I didn't block anything. I talked to him and either slipped or didn't. But i looked at the whole thing as a process. I wasn't too hard on myself and eventually, I knew in my heart that i deserved BETTER. This was the defining thought I thunk! I DESERVE BETTER. And whether he'd say he loved me or not (and he did), it didn't matter. I still deserved better.
Post by sobrietythirst on Jun 7, 2009 21:53:15 GMT -8
My POA was my cousin's best friend and also very close to my family. So naturally it was incrediubly awkward when things didn't work out. Our last conversation was over voicemail in which he threatened me for silence and said he never wanted to speak to me again. The next time he saw me he completely ignored me. So, my first POA made it quite simple for no contact. However, I did delete his number. I knew I would have the temptation to clarify, fix, or solve the "issue." I ran into my POA exactly a year later at a holiday gathering. We had not seen or talked since then. We said absolutely nothing to each other. It was unbearable, however he's extremely stubborn and I didn't want to be the first one to say anything, especially seeing that he willingly would embarass me by looking away. It is bearable however. There simply came a point when I couldn't worry or stress anymore. I'm telling you..it's the drama that hooks you in. Personally, I think that's why many love addicts never completely commit to no contact. I think we are excited about the possibility of a run in or contact. I did ignore him. Yet, I may see him more often because I am spending more time with my cousin. I do not know that this is the best environment for me, considering the past. I no longer dread seeing him because I am a completely different person. So the vendetta that he has to me, is with someone who existed two years ago.
"Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings." Elizabeth Gilbert
I agree that it's the drama that I want to have with the hook. I know I have to have no contact, but I secretly wish for a run in or an email. Though I have blocked the emails and changed my cell phone number, I still look. Habit and desire. Maybe he'll come to my house and beg to come in for the night. Ohhh, the drama! It's all between my ears. But I know, it's not healthy and I know it's a fix. I'd rather get through the pain and move on. He is not my knight in shining armor, he's sinking into an abyss and he wants to take me there with him. I want better.
Post by brooklynberry on Jun 16, 2009 13:46:59 GMT -8
in the beginning -no contact (I learned this the hard way, each new contact got worse and worse) -focusing on myself even when it was mind blowingly painful -let the tears flow, scream, have anxiety attacks, sleep all day, etc. -accept it was over and ditch everything from relationship. Sentimentality is nice but I am dealing with a life-threatening situation -changed my phone number -deleted all pics etc. and not only him but EVERYONE he is friends/family with on facebook -see a good therapist and psychiatrist and get medical care -go to as many SLAA and AA meetings as possible, have a sponsor, work the steps -went to a one week codependency workshop -I DID NOT GET INVOLVED WITH ANYONE ELSE -slip and accept my slips and start over -DID NOT INTERNET STALK -Prayed to a power greater than myself -took meditation classes to feel the awful pain and sit through it without impulsively doing anything -learned to be gentle with myself -got out of the house to go to "safe" places/events EVEN WHEN I DIDN'T WANT TO
my POA is a semi public figure so I have to be careful with websites and publications, etc. I know where to look. As far as running into him, he's away a lot and I avoid anywhere he may be.
as things got better: -went back to grad school -exercised -made personal goals (ie did a charity walk and raised $1500) -saw all the friends I had been neglecting bc of the addiction, see them all the time -visited friends in other states, made little fun trips -went to the movies, out to dinner, had fun -painted my room, cleaned up my apartment -threw a 30th b day party for myself -babysat for friends with kids -am able to be fully present when doing things, none of these outside thoughts about where he is or what I should be doing, etc. How liberating. -I have so many new friends! -went to all the museums, plays, movies, etc. that I would normally miss out on bc I was with him. - got to know my hometown so much better!
eventually your life just gets better and the obsession wanes. After 10 months I am still dealing with emotions but I feel a hell of a lot better and am more honest than I have ever been in my life. I am also helping others to recover and that is enormously helpful.
I still have to deal with the money situation with my ex and that drives me CRAZY but I have to just do the footwork with as much detatchment as possible and the rest is up to the stars.
I have not begun to date yet. As love addicts not dating sounds like cutting off oxygen but frankly it's not that hard. I love my life!
Drama is a big hook and I can seek it out ANYWHERE. Learning to not have drama is a big lesson too!
Last Edit: Jun 16, 2009 13:52:56 GMT -8 by brooklynberry
You both give me inspriation that I too can get through this and hopefully get over my POA one day. I know with two + months of NC, I'm already getting better and feeling better. It's hard work every day to stay focused on recovery and not slip back into old thought patterns, but I hope that I can follow in your healthy footsteps!!
Thank you all and eveyone else for sharing your stories!!!
Post by dawnbelieves on Jun 17, 2009 15:47:37 GMT -8
I do the NC thing. I haven't contacted or heard from my exPOA in 7 months. I haven't ran into him either which is suprising because we live in the same small town. I am sure at some point I will run into him but when it happens I am just going to walk in the other direction. If he gets to me before I have a chance to get away I am just going to say, "I don't want to talk to you" and turn around and walk off. THat will be hard to do but I know I can do it. I sure at some point I will have to. Be Blessed, ~Dawn~
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Thanks to all of you who have so much good recovery for sharing your inspirational stories.
I have 38 days of NC now and I find myself crying much of the time. Re-reading Facing Love Addiction triggers many of the tears but I seem to be in a period of deep grief and I feel incredibly lonely. I knew that the POA's brief presence in my life kept loneliness at bay but I didn't expect to feel so isolated at this point.
I think that I'm creating drama with these thoughts because when I'm not crying I am pretty busy taking care of myself. It's only during moments when I'm not busy that I feel this deep sadness and hopelessness. I feel the need to stay busy all the time and I know that is just to avoid the pain.
I think that I was on a pink cloud for the first few weeks of NC and have now fallen off. It helped so much to read what you all did to treat this terrible condition. It gives me so much hope. I know that NC is the right thing to do for myself. There would be nowhere to go if I tried to contact him. It would only prolong the agony. The outcome will always be the same because our relationship was nothing but addiction ... in all its glory.
NC was the first step - this meant changing jobs for me.
I actually need to write a post on the miracles that happened to help me. I was in the throes of addiction and in so much pain because this person worked in the same office and was in a position of authority. I would pray for help and pray "please get me out of here". And out of the blue came a job transfer with a promotion and raise. Really saved me.
After that, I didn't have to worry about daily interaction but the obsession was still there. I did a lot of reading and realized this was my problem and that it was a sickness.
I really threw myself into many constructive activities for mind body and career and accomplished a lot of good achievements and received an excellent performance review at work.
I prayed and the more I said "I am powerless, I can't do this, you help me" the easier it got.
Also the more I took responsibility the easier things became. It started with "he hurt me" until I learned and realized "I let him into my life". "I was a volunteer, not a victim".
Forgiveness was key as well.
The bottom line is to stop dwelling on what a jerk the other person is and all the hurtful things they did and to focus on improving ourselves.
Great thread and great information. Exercise and this board were the two main things that has helped me get past my POA and of course lots of praying.
I went back to the beginning of when I started posting and saw the changes, slips, and the growth. It really was two steps forward, one step and sometimes three steps back. It was not over night but it did happen. It also helped that my poa did not feed into my slips. She was kind yet not about to get reinvolved. I am very grateful for this fact.
I am now working on inner child things which is painful but until I get past this, I can not get to where I need to be. I'm working with my therapist and a book named The Inner Child Workbook - What to do with our past when it just won't go away by Cathryn Taylor.
As for me: I deleted his phone number. I crossed it out in my daytimer. I stopped listening to music that reminded me of him for a while. I got a sponsor and worked the steps. When I saw him, I felt the chill go down my spine, and called my sponsor. Eventually, I took any gift he gave me and threw it out. I stopped going to the meetings where I used to see him until I could be strong enough to go again...he has stopped going to meetings. I joined Taekwondo. I got more involved in my classes at school and finished my degree. I asked God to remove the obessession...and am currently working steps 6&7
Post by sillypoppet on Aug 6, 2009 10:27:05 GMT -8
The very first thing I did was acknowledge I had a problem. I went online, googled local psychologists, and started therapy.
I started reading suggested material, such as Facing Love Addiction and Co-Dependency No More.
I had a few PoA's that I needed to initiate NC with. The first was with my best friend (because there was a codependent relationship), with my most recent ex, and then with 3 other men I had been involved with at various times.
I came here and posted whenever I was having a slip-up or needed encouragement.
I did pilates and yoga.
I let myself grieve- I stopped telling myself that I'm naive for feeling sad and let myself cry about it.
I forgave the people who had hurt me.
I stopped listening to depressing music
I began doing things that make me happy- taking a ceramics class, going back to school, contacting old friends, spending time with new friends
I stayed away from dating.
After 6 months of recovery, I met a really nice guy out of the blue. Like Jasperfly was saying, I was very careful in deciding to date him. We would only talk briefly on the phone (maybe twice a week) and see each other once in awhile. We did fun things that my inner child enjoys, like going to the zoo, playing games at the arcade, and going to the art galleries. I have struggled a lot with this new relationship, being able to balance myself, but I think that it has taught me a lot as well. I have learned to be able to participate in an equal relationship that reciprocates. When I'm upset, I don't bottle it up inside or dismiss my emotions as naive. I think about it, write about, pray about it, and then talk to him about it. Most importantly, I am learning to accept this relationship as a positive addition in life, but not a necessary element.
I read, "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken". Hilarious! I really needed the levity. But, it also walks you through a 60-day "He-tox" (NC). The roadmap gives you a plan but works in a sense of humor and dogged determination that you will need to detox (He-tox or She-tox) from a POA.
I was pleased to see the one about forgiveness. I still have rushes of anger towards my XPOA and want to abuse him for the pain I feel.
It is good to see also the comments about no dating. I have decided not to date for three months and then review it at the end of three months for a possible six months stint.
I am wondering if anyone else has had multiple POA's and whether this is unusual. Most people talk about one or two but I had many and each was painful. I am treating them all the same though. Is this unusual?
I am working the steps though on a daily basis, maybe in the future i will get clarity but if anyone has any ideas i would appreciate hearing them.
"Love doesn't have to hurt - If someone loves you, it should feel like they love you!"
Good question Angel I too wondered if we can have many poa's. I think that my last poa was my only poa. He was the only one I had trouble letting go. It was very painful. as you know. Or it could be that because the disease is progressive the pain was greater. I dont have a problem letting go someone that is not good for me usually, I think because my oa reminded me of my dad, is the reason why it was so hard. It has been 7 months for me now with nc. Now I dont obsess about him any more. I did go on a few dates with another man, and it was easy to let go, he was not good for me. I also chat with peole on line, and when I see red flag, I can let go. usually there is a bit of sadness , but I think those feelings are normal. I wonder if I should go without any contact with men for a while and see how I do alone. I have been alone for 10 years, before i met my last poa, and I a fine alone.