kelleyboy I think this is good for you. Sometimes the best realisations are painful. There is indeed a real difference between a'nice man' and an emotionally healthy man. I think the usage of the term nive man is mis-leading. I will write about this further in relationships in recovery.
Winnie, I think you are right. Realizations like this in a place where we are supposed to heal, feels right. I am pretty far from emotionally healthy, but taking some steps in the right direction, mostly, i "keep coming back", which is a saying that holds new meaning for me lately. I was a bit angry last night, and think I may have been looking for a fight. Not tonight though.
It is so difficult to reply to comments on this board. I can't remember a quarter of what I am responding to
I was feeling vulnerable last night. I have to admit, I reacted, and feel a little foolish. But truthfully, this is a very difficult subject, and yes, I need to maybe take this in smaller bites. I think part of the issue, is that I am definitely a minority here. But I am here. A few of my friends used to tell me that I thought and felt like a woman. Sometimes I think they are right, especially if you buy into what society says about the rolls of men and women. Men aren't supposed be caught up in all the emotions. I am though. Love addiction in a man has the appearance of a man who thinks like a woman. Not sure if I am being clear. Or explaining it right. Her in Phoenix, half the SLAA meetings are women only, and there are only 6 meetings here. I feel caught in the middle. This is a wonderful resource though, and truly hope I haven't set anyone off.
Thanks, I have told my father though, just didn't call it emotional incest. But I have told him loud and clear how he treated me and how it affected me. So I agree with you it's good to tell. And Kelleyboy, thanks for the reaction. Moonlight
Hi moonlight, wow good for you for telling him, very brave of you. Were you scared when you did? I was absolutely terrified! And we didn't speak for 5 years after that. Now we have a pretty relaxed relationship, not what it was at all, but I have better boundaries these days and don't do anything with him that would be a problem for me. Detachment helps me a lot. I did a whole "telling the family secrets" thing a decade ago and everyone got the full force of my rage. I pretty much laid waste to every family relationship I had. Well... I am quite extreme. Was extreme (I hope that's true but seriously, am very impressed that you told your father, I know how petrified I was of doing it. Primrose.
Only the ego can struggle, the soul lives in ease and joy.
Emotional incest? I mulled this over for a couple of hours. Nope. Not me. My father was a mute for most of my life until his suicide when I was 18. Not only did he not interact with me, but I can only remember one or two things he ever said to me in all those years. Both were compliments and shocked the sh#t out of me. My mom told me the other day that he used to be very proud of me and bragged about me to all of his customers. His customers said the same for years after his death. He never said a word to me or even spoke much at home. His depression manifested itself as selective mutism. I always assumed I was a nothing in his mind. I didn't exist. Emotional abandonment is a better term for me. My mom didn't emotionally incest either. She was emotionally non-present(still is to a large degree, but she appears to be trying now that she is bedridden and feeling lonely.) The nice guys were what I wanted, but NO ONE could be validating enough for me. I was a black hole of neediness. I am also very controlling. But most of all, I am overly sensitive in my emotional responses and I get VERY upset with other people because to me, they are "holding back" their real intensity of feelings. Faking control. I have been told since childhood by family that I "feel too much" and "take things too hard". Or that I "try too hard". Sh#t! How do you "feel less" or "try less" ? I know that I push people away because of my intensity. So I just stay away from people. I warned my POA during our first re-connect after 20 yrs. that I was like this and that I did not want to trust him again because he pushed me away 20 yrs. ago and hurt me. He said "I love you, and you are stuck with me" Unfortunately, after I jumped in with both feet, I found that he was emotionally unavailable but couldn't let me go "unhooked" because I fed his damaged ego.(Somebody loves me, even if it is just her....another misfit!) Yes, he actually called us both 2 misfits on an island. I am NC for 20 days, but it is tough because I know he would take me back in a heartbeat, but we are both married and I won't settle for crumbs anymore.
My dad never said anything to me either. My mum was an alcholic and I think he was depressed. He apparently bragged about me to anyone who would stand still enough to listen but said nothing to me. So I duplicated this in my romances. I would meet a guy and he would hold back, my sponsor told me that I attract guys who feel my intensity. It is a type of emotional vampyrism where they can feel by proxy and escape when it gets out of control.
This may explain why they carry a torch for me and seem to always come back once the intensity of the emotions have died down. So saying that they are emotionally damaged like me and can't really give or receive love in a healthy way so it would end up me getting the crumbs again as you say.
"Love doesn't have to hurt - If someone loves you, it should feel like they love you!"
Hi angel, have you read pia mellody on the love addict\avoidant dance? I really like that way she has of explaining how the love addict provides all the intensity and feeling in the relationship and the avoidant can feel alive for a bit, then gets overwhelmed and leaves, but misses the excitement so comes back for it.
As an avoidant I know what it's like to feel emotionally dead and to crave excitement from others. I have been like that in my friendships with women. I have been the quiet sensible ear with the crazy needy friend in tow.
I got to be the love addict with my POA, I switched and BOOM I was the fire in that relationship and the needy one. I did know a lot about these patterns when I was with my POA, I was aware I was in active addiction and with an avoidant, and it was odd for me to see someone behaving the way I have behaved. I knew what it was like for him absorbing my essence and then feeling totally overwhelmed. It's strange having seen both sides. Somehow I don't take it as personally now, and also I felt so much compassion for my mother being a love addict. I finally got it, poor woman, her suffering, because I finally suffered like that.
I find it really helpful knowing it's a dance because then it's not truly about me or the other person, it's our mutual damage, our wounds trying to get healed but going about it in a pretty rubbish way! Best. Primrose.
Only the ego can struggle, the soul lives in ease and joy.