When I came here, January 2010, I was close to insanity. I was unable to distinguish reality from fantasy. I was having episodes of panic attacks, rapid heart beat, arm numbness, chest pains, etc. I also had crushing depression and suicidal thoughts. I lay in bed all day, unable to function more than to eat, sleep, and bathe. I obsessed 24/7 about my POA. I had suddenly been shocked out of my lovely little fantasy world by his cruel behavior. I shattered into a million pieces. I was blessed that I was not alone in going through those dark times. I had a husband, mom, two beautiful children, and the best friends in the world. I also had this site. I got a therapist fast, too. Even though $$ was very tight, my HP made it work. This is what I have done so far(work in progress):
1. I went NC on January 12, 2010. It felt like addiction withdrawal so I knew I was an addict and couldn't deny it anymore.(step 1) 2. I started reading and posting here and involved myself FULLY in my real life again.(before I was half present, half in my fantasies about him.) 3. Got therapy going and set clear boundaries as I learned about them. 4. Started digging into my childhood to identify behaviors and patterns learned then that don't work now and how to create new tools to function. 5. Reconsidered spiritual beliefs and began praying and meditating. (step 2- in progress) 6. Began to experience detachment and relief from the most crushing of addictive symptoms. Had hope.
I am only a month into recovery, but I can feel hopeful now. That came only with time and prayer and NC. Having hope again (not of relationship with POA, but happiness hope) is the best part.
Last Edit: Sept 22, 2010 17:42:09 GMT -8 by Susan P.
Post by perfectday on Feb 11, 2010 12:12:27 GMT -8
You've got this far so quickly Miztex. I know how you felt when you came in for the first time. It never ceases to amaze me how people get so much more coherent and you can see in their writing that it's coming together and they're gathering their fragmented parts back.
I know what you've been through. You're very courageous. We've done a month! Yeah! *hugs*
MizTex, You have done quite a job! It takes so much effort to turn around & go in another direction...it's like making a U-ey with a cargo ship when it comes to addiction! It's been so cool to see the breakthroughs you make daily. Very inspiring.
Thanks. But I still have a long way to go. Today I was talking to my best non-addicted friend who has known me forever. He commented that I was still "talking about him". I said "But it is different now. I am just bringing you up to date with my recovery thoughts and insights as they related(past tense) to him. "After that, I talked for half an hour about my music and my kids. LOL!
Post by perfectday on Feb 11, 2010 23:24:16 GMT -8
Oh yeah, it's not over yet. But the journey will be much easier now I think, now we've understood that our PoAs are sick too. We don't have to take it so personally.
I've only recently realised that just because my emotions are more steady around this PoA, it doesn't mean I'm cured of LA. That's where we've got to put our energies now. Into staying in recovery even if another man comes along who triggers us.
Miztex, you're doing GREAT! Well done, hope you really feel good and proud of yourself for all the work you're doing. It's so fantastic to hear that you're talking about your husband and kids too. All of your life will come back into focus. As your POA shrinks, your real life grows. We get right-sized by withdrawal and I love that. Very best to you. Primrose.
Only the ego can struggle, the soul lives in ease and joy.
Hi miztex, i just wrote a long response and then got timed out! argh!
I wanted to say hi as i am at a similar stage of recovery to you. I started my recovery in LA on Jan 5th. I'm about to finish step 3 with my sponsor and have my ceremony in 2 days time which will be a big celebration for me.
I've just booked myself a day at a health spa to celebrate which i'm so looking forward to.
I was having obsessive thoughts about my qualifeir earlier and about needing a man to hold me and then i remembered Susan's picture of Jesus holding a young girl and i imagined God holding me at age 12 and it felt lovely, truly lovely.
Here's to this programme of recovery making us so much stronger than before.
I have two angels Fred and George and they give me hugs, big ones whenever I need it. I guess the idea of this visualisation started with susan's same picture. For me an angel is easier cos it represents my HP without all that scarey negative stuff that I am still working through with a HP being judgemental and punishing. Angels aren't like that in my mind so it is a way for me to achieve the same thing.
It doesn't matter how you do it as long as you do. It really is a lovely feeling isn't it? I just need to remind myself when i am getting scared, obsessing or worrying to do it and my thoughts and feelings stop racing and I start to make the most amazing progress. If I do this when I have to respond to something I get a MUCH better result.
"Love doesn't have to hurt - If someone loves you, it should feel like they love you!"
I'd really like to develop my own angels and i did a while back when i was working step 3 in Coda but it didn't stick for some reason. I wanted to believe in my own angels as like you i didnn't think i could be loved by the almighty God. That has shifted now and i do feel very loved by God which i am eternally grateful for.
Perhaps this weekend i will think more about what my angels could look like and ask them to be there for me.
It was really funny, mine came to me when I was in the depths of despair and they made themselves very clear to me. I went walking and I find that walking helps me to relax and let go of tension. As I walked they formed more in shape and then they told me about themselves. They are identicall twins but one is left handed and one is right handed. They probably represent the left and right hemispheres of my brain with one being more analytical and straight forward that the other one being more emotionally based and reasuring.
I tried many times in the past but this time they stuck and even when I am off on a tangent they are there. They fade away when I get in my disease but they tell me that htey are still there even when I can't see them.
I guess I depend on them a lot. With them around I am never lonely - unless I want to be and WANT to be miserable! LOL
I also have a different angel who is my 'courier' I have this photo of a guy in a white lap lap and he has big angel wings on. He is really ripped! It is a cute photo my aunt sent me (she is 70!!!) Anyway, when I write letters to people I want to send spiritually, he takes them and delivers them. I have a ceremony that I do. I take a candle and place it in a jar with some incense sticks. I put his photo on the wall or on a tree. I take the letter and I read it to him and then I set fire to the letter and then a feeling of peace comes over me because my courier angel has delivered the letter to the angel of whoever I am having problems with and then I KNOW the problem is in the angels hands NOT mine.
It helps a lot. I reallly should do it a lot more. I guess we tend to forget these things.
Am reading about prosperity, maybe my courier angel can deliver a letter to the angel of money and help me clear up some of my blockages LOL
Follow up to my original post: I am as NC as I can get at the moment from my POA(I don't initiate contact and I delete calls), but he still pursues. I don't care. I feel good. I feel strong. I feel humble and grateful. Someone said that they feel bad when they read newcomers painful addictive feelings. I have the opposite reaction. I can't WAIT to tell them that they are in the right place and to get them talking about themselves. Is this normal?