Post by light on May 21, 2010 12:28:47 GMT -8
I was a nice, funny, intelligent, kind little girl and I was the wise eldest daughter of four children.
I lived in a big beautiful, famous city and I attended the best catholic school in town.
My father had a very good job, we were well off.
My parents were a beautiful couple. They were in love. And they were happy.
We had a beautiful house, the right friends, the right cars, the right clothes, the right accent.
Unfortunately something in this “perfect” life was not actually perfect.
Our neighbor was a pedophile and it happened my parents trusted this man and often left me and my brothers to his care.Since I was 5 years old till I was 10 I remember the morbidities of this so called man towards me. Memories about this experience are still painful.
When I sensed something was wrong with him I was 11 and I started avoiding him completely and, of course, having silent and hidden resentments towards him. Unfortunately I also felt guilty.
This horrible experience remained a secret for many years.
I had the courage to talk about it only with my husband, for the first time, when I was 23.
And then , later to therapists. Another feature of this little girl was that she was “in love” with her father. He was so beautiful and so cool with his “ray ban” and his sports car (he was even a racer) and he was a boss, he had power over so many people, he was always right, all he did was good and great and perfect.
We children all adored him but we feared him also. He rarely beat us but he was extremely severe, he wanted us to stay silent when we had lunch together, he wanted us to behave impeccably.
Anyway I felt loved by my parents, especially my mother was sweet and caring, I had and still have a beautiful relationship with her.
I had a turbulent adolescence. At 12 I had my first depression. Then I alternate periods of euphoria and periods of depression. (Now I know this is called bipolar disorder).
When I was 15 I had hash and I often got drunk. I had many love stories. I crushed at the beginning and then, when I got my targets, I lost any interest and just found a way to left the guy.
The first time I really fell in love I was 18 and my boy friend was 18 too. I walked on the clouds, he was everything to me. It was the first time in my life I felt such sensations. It was high and limerence all the time. When he left me I had a nervous breakdown. I lost the sense of reality and was recovered in a hospital for about 20 days.
My parents and all the family moved from the big town to make me live in a more quiet place in the countryside. I left the hospital and continued my therapy in the country house.
Slowly I came back into myself but a very deep depression started. I missed and regret so much my first love. I felt so bad.
One night I attempted suicide. I cut my wrists. I was just 19.
My father found me and saved my life. That was one of the worst days in my life.
When I was 23 I met my husband, beautiful, intelligent, good man. I felt I had found life for the first time. It was the first time after my 18 y.o. boyfriend my heart beat that way again. I was in love! And this man was in love with me!
A fairy tale. We got married after 8 months and after another year my wonderful daughter was born.
Everything was perfect. But inside of me something was still broken and a happy family life was not enough to fix it.
Sometimes I was depressed for months and I didn’t know the reason.
Sometimes I was euphoric and I didn’t know the reason.
After the episode of my 18s I didn’t have made any therapy, I didn’t even know I needed one.
I didn’t finish college. My father wanted me to work in his firm.
I started working with so much enthusiasm, I wanted my daddy to be proud of his little girl. I hoped so much he would finally loved me, after years of absence of mind and unavailability.
All this made my husband jealous and a sort of rivalry begun between my father and my husband.
I worked for ten years with my father, at the end I was 33 and I really didn’t know anymore who I was, I felt exhausted, I felt a loser who didn’t have the courage to live his life but was living in the shadow of his father. I was tired. I wanted something else.
With my husband and my daughter I moved in another town, I left my father’s work. I had to find a new job. I found a course of English for interpreter and translator. I was selected. This course included a stage in a country of English language.
Guess what? During that stage I met my PoA. He was different. He was sweet. He made me feel the most beautiful women just looking at me.
Well, if we can say this , maybe he was the third greatest love of my life (but this is a very dramatic definition).
Ok, he had everything to hook me. He reminded me of my father (he was cool). He was sweet. He was kind. He was strange. He was picturesque. He had a wonderful voice. He was beautiful. He was interested in me.
So the CRAZY DREAM started…………………….
I started texting, phoning, e mailing my PoA, who was overwhelmed from my behavior and didn’t know what to do.
He chose to not respond.
How many tears this crazy dream cost to me. I started fantasizing and obsessing in such a deep way that many times I was not present in reality but I was lost in my world of dreams.
One day I was so lost in my dreams that I started confusing reality with dreams and thoughts and I had to call my old psychiatrist again.
Finally I started my therapy for bipolar disorder and also took medications for psychosis.
I went back to reality.
The Pope John Paul II was dying at that time. I started to pray. And I noticed that after praying the obsession decreased. I started to pray every day .I found the strength to stop e mailing my PoA.
And only with prayer and willpower I could control my addiction.
I went on like this for 2 years. I controlled my addiction. But my life seemed gray to me. I didn’t know I have had love addiction and I didn’t know my life seemed gray to me because I missed the high.
One day I felt completely free from my “passion” (still didn’t know it was called addiction). I found my PoA’s profile on myspace and sent him a message, “just to say hallo, don’t worry, I’m just an old friend”.
I don’t know why I sent that message, probably because my addiction was not healed yet.
Anyway, my PoA, for the first time, responded, and he wanted to SEE me.
Of course I wanted to meet him, I met him, and I did what I thought I would never been able to do: being unfaithful to my husband…
But the strength of addiction is so great………
After our meeting he said I was special and beautiful and great and so on, but this situation was really impossible and we had no future.
The addicted me went on for 2 years writing desperate e mails to my PoA, but NO answer……….
How much frustration, how much feeling of guilt, how much pain, how much heartache……
A pain that never ends. I didn’t know a pain that never ends exists. It exists, it’s called love addiction.
Again, for the second time I was dragged from my feelings to a place of a total weakness.
I didn’t find a solution to my pain, to my desperation, the more I called my PoA, the more he stayed silent.
One day I prayed so much, I asked God to make me find the solution inside of me, I wrote down this prayer and that day I found the LAA site.
When I found this board I felt an outcast who found an island. After six years of pain my insanity had a name: Love Addiction.
And there were others like me, others who had my same issues and others who were healed from this disease.
This was the answer to my prayers.
When I joined the board and started posting and sharing with my friends love addicts, I felt completely understood for the first time in my life.
After so much pain, I felt a great joy.
I was not alone anymore.
The first thing I thought was that now that I had finally found a solution I wanted to help others, I felt a great love for all the people suffering of love addiction.
So I became a "newcomers greeter". After two days I was already working for the site that was saving my life.
The power of the group is essential to help us overcoming any kind of addiction.
I went no contact, stopping e mailing my PoA (who never responded) and I posted on the board everytime I felt the urge of contact.
No contact gave me back my dignity in about two months, it gave me back my clarity of mind.
I considered myself no more "the stalker", I was me again.
Humiliations, frustrations, confusion didn't hurt me anymore.
I started working the steps.
I woke up at 4 in the morning and read the big book on line. It was june 2009.
Every word I read was a balm, it was a new hope I could fight my addiction.
I was sustained by my strong Faith in God, I felt Him close to me.
Working the steps I was completely honest to myself, maybe for the first time in my life. I faced my past, my childhood, my abuse, my weakness, my fears.
It was a healing journey inside of me.
I had some slips during the healing process and they made me feel really bad, because now I knew that behavior was insanity, it was wrong and not good for me.
I had slips even in late recovery and they reminded me of the power of this addiction.
About two months ago I read a very beautiful book: "Smile across your heart" by Laurie Martin, it is about self love.
This book tranformed my heart, I became able to feel the good energy of the Divine and I found a personal way to meditate.
Maditation is like eating spiritual food, it nurtures our soul, it makes us feel whole, complete, happy.
My tools of Recovery:
1. Talking to other members, asking and giving advices.
2. Working the steps with honesty and perseverance.
3. Reading all the precious informations and the experiences of others on the board
4. Reading many, many books, about love addiction, it's important to know our addiction, so we know ourselves and what makes us feel bad, this way we find the tools to work on ourselves and fight our disease. Reading books about spirituality was also important for me.
5. Prayer, Contact with the Divine, dialogue with God. Find a way to pray and meditate, it will give you strenght and peace.
6. Individual therapy.
7. Understanding we are powerless over this addiction, so we can only surrender to our Higer Power if we want to heal. Anyway we have to work, read, study, take action, change.
8. We CAN change, change is possible (Read "The Art of changing" by Susan Peabody). We have the power of changing, which is the power of healing.
9. When we start feeling free from our addiction we can start to know and celebrate ourselves. This is our prize.
Since that day, on may 2009 I have slowly retraced all my past.
I have finally understood what happened to me in the 70s, in that beautiful, famous city, when my parents were far, in one of their trips.
And I’ve understood I’m not crazy but I just have a bipolar disorder, due to the stress I had to suffer when I was a child.
And that I had love addiction because I thought that a beautiful mysterious stranger, who reminded me of my father could save me once and for all from all the pain I had to suffer in my life.
Today, thanks to this board, Susan Peabody’s books, my friends LA, I feel I’m healing but I think I had to live all this. I had to be molested as a child, I had to find a PoA, I had to suffer so much to find, finally, a way home.
I will always be grateful to Susan and to this board for saving my life.