Post by Butterflygirl on Jun 27, 2010 14:01:23 GMT -8
Somewhere in the Bible it says, O' death, where is thy sting?" What this means to me is that when something terrible happens like a death, God sends little miracles to ease the pain.
Today's miracle involved a person that I sponsored in AA. He called to give me his condolences. He said just a week before her death he ran in to Kathy at the Giants baseball game. He recognized her from pictures I kept on my wall. He introduced himself and proceeded to tell my daughter how I had saved his life. Now we all know God saves lives and we are but trusted servants, but according to him when he said this Kathy seemed to light up.
Because of my love addiction I neglected my children. There were so many amends to be made to Kathy that I couldn't do them all. So I tried to help others in her name. Kathy never knew about this work I had done in her name and I never told her. It means the world to me that she got to know this before she died.
I had a really good cry after I hung up the phone.
Post by Butterflygirl on Jun 27, 2010 14:04:23 GMT -8
I have been crying all day. What is the little miracle God has sent me today to ease my pain? A client called and told me how much my books meant to her especially the story of my daughter losing little Jasymne. I don't always hear how my work affects people so this was very sweet.
This client asked if she could inquire about the case study in my first book Addiction to Love. "Who is Kathy?" she asked. "Kathy," I said, "was me." I went on to explain that I used my daughter's name because I just love the name. (In the first draft I used the name Jennifer. Then I wrote a first-person version, and ended up going with the name Kathy.)
"The Hungry Heart" also tells my story. I donated it to Love Addicts Anonymous.
Post by Butterflygirl on Jun 27, 2010 14:05:05 GMT -8
Going deeper . . .
Often, people ask you when someone has died, "Were you close?" (Don't ever ask someone this. It is very, very painful when the answer is "no.")
Kathy was a busy person. If you distributed a list of volunteers, her name was on the list three times. She was the church secretary and then worked every evening at another job to pay the bills. She was a church deaconess from time to time and a room mother for ten years. On weekends she was the church representative when people used the building for weddings and funerals. At every potluck she set out the food and washed the dishes.Everyone kept saying at the funeral, "What will we do without Kathy?" One person voiced the opinion that we may have worked her to death. I don't know, but certainly her love and generosity were abundant.
This morning I felt this overwhelming pain that I had not worked hard enough to bridge the gulf between my daughter and me because she was so busy and because of unhealed wounds from her childhood. I have admitted time and time again that I neglected my children as a love addict. They both told me they forgave me but . . .
Crying . . . I called my son-in-law Monty to find out if Kathy even loved me. He said, "yes," but I wanted to know if she ever said it out loud. He mentioned how proud of me she was when I made her wedding dress. Then his voice broke and he said he had to get off the phone.
I did not get what I wanted from Monty so I did what I had to do. I talked to my inner child and tried to comfort her. I tried to shake this feeling of inadequacy. This deep-seated shame is going to take a lot of time to heal. I think I need some psychotherapy around it.
When someone you love is not very demonstrative it is really hard. I encourage all of you to tell everyone you love that you love them. Say it out loud. Say it often.
Post by Butterflygirl on Jun 27, 2010 14:09:05 GMT -8
This eulogy to my daughter has turned into a blog. I hope I am not being selfish but I need this. It is keeping be going. I am like the old Mediteranean woman screeching when a loved one dies.
So many women in war torn areas lose their children to bombs. Kathy died peacefully in her sleep. She deserved to die that way. She was an angel.
Can't get out of bed today . . . except for the basics like checking my email. My son-in-law emailed me that he needs his space and can't take care of me right now. So it's me, my friends, and the Lord. I know things will get better if I hang in there.
Post by Butterflygirl on Jun 27, 2010 14:11:14 GMT -8
You never sit down and write a book. You write everyday and collect all the pieces of the puzzle. Then you weave it all together. There was a author who, as a child, tried to write an essay about birds. She was overwhelmed until her father put his arm on her shoulder and said, "Anne, just do it bird by bird." He was a writer and she grew up to be a writer. Writing is getting me through the worst crisis in my life. Every day for at least an hour I can keep the pain at bay.
Here is my daughter Kathy (note the curly hair) writing about life . . .
Post by Butterflygirl on Jul 1, 2010 12:33:02 GMT -8
Matthew 26:36-46: Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” 37 He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. 38 Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” 39
Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” 40
Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. “Could you men not keep watch with me for one hour?” he asked Peter. 41 “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”
Post by Butterflygirl on Jul 1, 2010 14:51:38 GMT -8
I have been a faithful member of Alcoholics Anonymous for 28 years. I stopped going a year ago because I violated a cardinal rule: "Don't let personalities get it the way of the program." Put another way, don't leave AA because of a personality conflict. You can change meetings but not abandon the program.
Anyway, I went back today and got a lot of hugs and condolences. It was wonderful. I felt as if I had come home.
I have talked a lot about 12-Step programs over the years. I even started one. But I have never admitted the most important thing. God used AA to give me my life back starting with introducing him/her self to me in the middle of an AA meeting. (See my book for this story.)
So . . . my spirits have lifted up like the wheels of an airplane about to take off. Let's see if we can get this baby off the ground.