Post by earthgrrl64 on Apr 17, 2011 20:27:49 GMT -8
Susan wrote in an article "First the Seductive Withholder needs to stop going out with the "wrong" type of person. What is the wrong type? Then she says " go out with someone who is independent and work to stay with that person."
O.k. and I would add, go out with someone who wants to get to know you and go slow. I mean, is my desire to go slow because I am avoidant? Or is it a healthy desire? Is the problem that I pick men who are unavailable in that they want to go fast and that is not what I want? So it keeps me constantly frustrated with relationship and avoiding true intimacy which I know I am fearful of?
Post by reinventmyself on Apr 18, 2011 11:38:24 GMT -8
I am glad you wrote these questions, earthgrrl.
I often wonder the same thing and how to strike that balance.
I am a love addict yet I don't want to go fast as I am mistrusting of someone getting too close too soon.
Men I typically get involved with are aviodant but want to attach quickly, knowing all along that the mans sense of urgency very little to do with me. I fooled myself that everything would be ok if I could control the pace of the relationship. Silly thought seeing all I managed to do was to get someone who still wants to attach quickly to do the same exact thing just a couple weeks longer in the process. I think for an avoidant I seemed that much more attractive. Still the same outcome = unhealthy.
What I have learned is that if I was available an avoidant would not find me attractive.
If I meet a man wants to take it slowly it creates incredible anxiety in me because I in turn will want to attach quickly so I can feel secure. I play both sides.